Thursday, October 1, 2009

ong


Great Sequoia, Yosemite 2006


The other night, I went to see my yoga teacher. We had a private session, and it wasn't for yoga. She is also a counselor, a deeply spiritual yogi, a Sikh. I sat in a dimly lit room at the studio in the Wellness Center in the evening, and we began the session by reciting the chant that begins all kundalini yoga classes.

ong 
namo
guru dev
namo


Ong is "Infinite Creative energy in manifestation and activity". ("Om" or Aum is God absolute and unmanifested), Namo is "reverent greetings' implying humility, Guru means "teacher or wisdom", Dev means "Divine or of God" and Namo reaffirms humility and reverence. In all it means, "I call upon Divine Wisdom".


I have not been to a counselor or therapist in many years because I find that it becomes another obligation, somewhere to be, someone to pay. And while I've had crisis counseling before that was very helpful, I'm of the mind that my situation is largely what it is. It is what it is.  But I have felt undone of late, as evidenced by a lot of my posts. I'm depleted, burnt out, finding it more and more difficult to spring back in my old resilient way. There are reasons for this, some obvious, the ones that I've chosen to write about on this blog, and then there are others that are private. In any case, I made my way to this session and left, two hours later, clearer and lighter, my head turned a bit closer to the positive. I can't go into everything that we discussed, but it was a spiritual experience in many ways. At times during the session, my teacher's voice would grow very soft and almost become like a man's rumbly growl. Her eyes were, at times, like small slits in her face and while this wasn't frightening at all, it was mesmerizing. Lest you think I was subject to some sort of hypnotism and/or cultish experience, I also laughed and cried at different points. In other words, I was firmly in my body but my mind was peaceful. The suggestions she gave me were framed by words like "mother" and "life or death" and "falling apart" and "family." She admonished me at points that I was strong and needed to be practical about "fixing" things. She said that I did not have the luxury of being negative. We prayed together (and I can't help but point out that this was more than the priest from my church ever did with me!).


I asked, But what to do when your intention is toward the positive and you glance, right over your shoulder, to the right, and see the negative?


I don't remember her exact words but it involved will and a quick denial of that demon.


This sounds a bit like some sort of new agey self-help book, but it absolutely wasn't. I left there feeling younger, even beautiful with a renewed sense of purpose. I realize that the feeling might be temporary, but I have a plan. A plan of gratitude toward my husband, of simple words. I will try my hardest to get to a yoga class at least twice a week. When Sophie is out of school for the month of October (don't remind me!), I will put her in the car and drive to the beach where we will walk and breathe in the good, salty air together. When Sophie has seizures, I will place my hands on her head and look into her eyes. I will pray and I will chant. I will think of Yogi Bhajan's words that thinking negatively is a luxury that I cannot afford. And that will be enough.


Oh, and I need to stop eating sugar. 


Thank you, Tej.


Sat Nam.







15 comments:

  1. I'm so glad for you, Elizabeth. What wonderful wisdom, nurturing and strength. Your teacher sounds gifted.

    Your plan of simple doable steps will give you strength and power.

    You and Sophie are in my thoughts.

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  2. You are always making me cry. You are always making me think.

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  3. Three and a half years I decided to kill myself one night. As Katie lay sleeping in the next room, as my middle daughter watched TV downstairs, oblivious to my pain, I wracked my brain, trying to figure out the best way to kill myself.

    In the end I did not but the experience made me wake up. I realized how depressed I was and decided to change my life. I embraced cognitive behavior therapy, change how you think=change how you feel. It's helped me the most. I still have awful thoughts but I notice them and stop myself. For the past nine years I have practiced gratitude each night as I lay down in bed, I go through my day and I remind myself of what I'm grateful for. Some nights I'm only grateful for my bed, but it's something.

    Your yoga teacher is right, negative is hard on people, it can kill people.

    Take care of yourself sweetie.

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  4. i am glad that you have found some relief- please know that i am thinking about you!!

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  5. Peace dear Elizabeth. You are such a gift in this world.

    My mother always use to say 'You cannot afford the luxury of a negative thought.'

    Love Renee xoxo

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  6. I'm thanking God for these places of refuge, that appear when we need them! It's wonderful that you have this teacher, this place of unconditional loving care and rest. May many blessings surround you and your family, each day. XO

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  7. I'm glad you're feeling better. I agree with you that while some crisis counseling and some early counseling have been helpful in dealing with the situation with Robert & disability, it's no longer an answer for me, either.

    Because, indeed, the situation is what it is. Focusing, for example, as crisis counseling does, on what can be DONE (rather than on your emotions about it) is good basic training for dealing with a severe crisis. But exploring the emotions related to all this, ad infinitem--there's a limit to what that can do. How do I feel about it? Who really knows? I have all kinds of thoughts, all over the emotional spectrum. And what I really want is inner peace. Those emotions will always be there--there is NO CHANGING them. They are what they are, and what they are is conflicted and complex.

    Bless you.

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  8. We sound like we're in similar places. I spent 2 hours with a spiritual intuitive this week, tremendously helpful/validating and yet daunting. She gave me so many books to read, things to try, my head hasn't stopped spinning.

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  10. Oh, this is so inspirational. I am glad you felt better. You are inspiring ME to do something. I have actually never tried yoga—I have such a busy mind. That's part of the problem, I guess. I have a mind filled with worries about Max (is the EEG going to show he is having absence seizures)? I have a mind filled with worries about work (are the layoffs going to affect me?). I have a mind filled with worries about, well, you name it. I am a Woman Worrier, from a long line of Woman Worriers. Therapy hasn't worked, either. Blogging for me is cathartic, but I really do need to figure out another outlet. Meanwhile, I am putting up a post-it note on my computer at the office, "Thinking negatively is a luxury I cannot afford."

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  11. The resilience of women makes me cry. You are wonderful.

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  12. I saw the husband yesterday...
    I love you both so much.

    I am glad you found a place of peace.
    For me, it is the church...the music especially. One note on the piano and I start to cry...

    love you

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  13. Beautiful and inspiring. Your post has made me feel a bit lighter today too. Thank you for that.

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  14. such hard work, to turn toward the positive with all that you have on your plate. i need this practice as well -- yesterday my husband said "it's really hard being the only positive force in this house".

    thinking about you and sending lots of love, peace, and strength.

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  15. It is what it is. You're so right.

    I'm glad you had such a healing experience. It sounds so wonderful.

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