Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Stream of the Unconscious
In lieu of a real blog post where I discuss one thing or another, I think I'll give you a glimpse of the way the mind, in this case my, mind works. I went to bed last night early for me because I had a splitting headache, so I woke up at 5 am and just lay in the dark, thinking. I have never had insomnia and by some miracle any trouble at all sleeping, so lying in the dark in the early hours of the morning could go either way -- to being happy that I'm the only one awake and the house is deliciously quiet and peaceful -- to being batshit crazy, as Ms. Moon would say, that I'm the only one awake in the house and therefore in the unique position of holding all the house's and all the inhabitants' thoughts. And so that's what I did -- went a little batshit crazy and here's where I'll just let my mind meander from thought to thought and I might not even use punctuation because I don't think a mind that is batshit crazy punctuates itself at all the ease with which it goes from damn I think I'm getting a cold to but maybe not maybe I'm just tired because of all the crap that's been happening the last few days and I'm so glad that The Husband is sleeping in Sophie's room right now because of my cold and I don't want her to get it and I hope that it's not swine flu because that would be such a drag I really can't be sick because who would take care of things and I remember the last time I got sick and felt so depressed during it that I came up with the theory that there has to be a central nervous system component to the flu because whenever I have it I just don't give a damn about anything, even my kids and I wish I hadn't made that comment on Facebook when someone said that people who don't vaccinate their kids with swine flu should be homeschooled because entering that conflict ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS gives me stomach pain and I have a stalwart stomach and I hate the vaccination debate even though I feel pretty certain that the jury is still out on the safety of vaccines and I know, I know that terrible diseases have been eradicated and we have the luxury here in the U.S. of A. to even debate the efficacy of vaccines because our children are literally not dying in the streets but then I have a daughter who was perhaps damaged by a vaccine and she matters, too, certainly I can't defend the idea of her being collateral damage in the interest of public health and then there's the fact that my boys aren't vaccinated which makes me incredibly irresponsible to some, those who say that are placing their own kids in harm's way and then I think is dying better than having a lifetime of seizures and wearing diapers and not being able to talk or run or crouch so that your muscles get stiff and damn, this is a cold because my throat is tickling and I'll have to go and get some more yin chao from Dr. Jin who I haven't seen in too long it's probably the reason why I'm a little depressed but if I remember to breathe deep in and deep out, breathing in I calm myself, breathing out I smile and not to think of the vaccination debate and why hasn't the neurologist's office called back about the endocrinologist referral it's been about a month and I hate this life, calling all these doctors and chasing referrals and never feeling taken care of and I'm glad that I have to take Sophie to the osteopath this afternoon because she has seemed so uncomfortable in her body for a few weeks and maybe that will help her but then again maybe nothing I am doing is going to help her and then there's Oliver and his reading difficulties and Henry and what happened at school yesterday and god, I need to bring Valentine to the vet this morning for her shots and I just can't possibly cancel the appointment for the third time in a row because I faked being sick last week and now I actually am and I still have to send the SIGG water bottles back to SIGG because of the leaching plastic but I don't want to spend the money on the shipping but it's cluttering up the dining room table and I have so many magazines that I haven't read and catalogs and nothing to wear and I need to exercise and I wonder how my friend who is going to do the modified Atkins diet for her child with seizures is going to have the energy and I should probably try it too with Sophie even though the ketogenic diet still remains one of the darkest moments that was months in the history of Sophie and me it was barbaric, really and I still get chills thinking about it and I need to breathe again, breathing in I calm myself and breathing out I smile and Henry told a dirty joke to his friends yesterday and got in trouble and had to go to the principal's office for the first time in his life and maybe that's why I feel queasy because I hated getting in trouble when I was a kid and that's the main reason why I was good not because I really am good but because I didn't want to get caught and sort of knew that I would be caught so I never did any drugs not because I thought they were bad or immoral but because I just knew that I'd be the one who got caught or died after the first try and maybe I should just get up and at least put away all those papers on the desk in here and hang up the clothes from yesterday because I'm never going to go back to sleep.
So that's what I did. I got up, turned on the light,organized my desk, read some emails and blogs and hung up the clothes. And then I went back to bed for thirty or so minutes until the flashing light of the alarm clock woke me up. It was day.