Friday, January 20, 2012

Too Much Information

Virgo the Virgin


I'm generally not a blogger that reveals anything about sex (I'm a virgin), marriage (I've had two) or incontinence. Yesterday, though, in a torrent of words, if not creativity, I revealed that I had wet my pants -- a tiny bit -- two times in one day in the parking lot of the Grove, our large Disneyfied outdoor mall. I want to assure my more decorous readers that I've not jumped a line and will now start writing about my private parts with any regularity. But I wanted to clarify several things.


  • I've had three cesarean sections (immaculate conception, since I'm a virgin, see above), so I can't blame my incontinence on that (in fact, given my virginity, things are -- well -- as tight as a drum)
  • I have a tendency to idiotically not go to the bathroom when I need to go. There's that moment when you absolutely have to go, but if you can steel yourself and hold on (and you're still a virgin), that moment passes. The trouble with this technique is that it doesn't account for one hour of wandering around a large parking lot. The moment passed yesterday, and then it came again -- in other words.
  • Given the above (the three cesareans, the fact that I'm a virgin and things are intact, and that sometimes I idiotically think myself a camel), I'd say that I don't really need the Poise pads. What I might consider, though, is wearing some Maximum Absorbency Garments (MAGS), a la astronaut style.


Consider that the only too much information post you'll get for quite some time. Now I'm back to my regular programming.

15 comments:

  1. I don't know. I think that sometimes too much is just enough.
    I love the fact that you're a virgin. That's interesting because- I am too! And I've had four kids.
    Anyhoo...wait 'til your hormones start to fail you. Then it won't matter what your physical apparatus is like. Peeing in your pants will just be a part of life.
    Or maybe that's just me.
    I love you, Elizabeth.

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  2. Turned on .. grossed out ... intrigued ... I'm so confused.

    Don't think I'm a virgin, not sure. We need to get together and discuss ...

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  3. Thanks for sharing; made my day...now I'm going back to reading my bible...

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  4. I second Ms. Moon. Just wait! I too am a virgin with three kiddies. If I knew how to link, I would take this opportunity to link my "like a Virgin" post from a few years back. But sadly, I haven't figured that out.

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  5. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

    I liked your "irregular" programming.

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  6. Wow, who would have believed it? You being a virging, of course. :-) By chance there was an article in the paper here in the UK that said David Cameron always made a point of giving a speech with a full bladder. Apparently it works on your nerves better. Whether he's a virgin or not, I've no idea. I guess you'll have to e-mail No 10. :-)

    Greetings from London.

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  7. Thanks for clarifying. I was up all night wondering.

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  8. I won't speak to the virgin thing, but I do want to say that you're absolutely right about waiting through the having to go, and finding that you hit a plateau where you can hold it for a long, long time. I've amazed a number of friends with this skill.

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  9. Writing well means writing about life, warts and all! And you do it so well, with such humor and candor.

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  10. have lived with that since I was a giggly girl ... much worse now after 3 kids though ... advice: don't do jumping jacks in an exercise class full of 20 something much younger moms

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  11. Looking forward to the post about bowel movements.

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  12. OMG the reference to the astronaut (who I have mercifully forgotten about until now) made me pee my pants. Well...you know I talk about it all the time anyway... It's true. I suppose it's because I'm not a virgin because in my day no one had a c-section so your innards were just blasted all over the delivery room including the baby and a sphincter or two as was in my case... What up! Wee wee wee a the way home.

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