Sunday, November 4, 2012

Laugh out loud, redux, with Ecclesiastes

I stumbled upon this post last night that I wrote nearly two years ago. I laughed out loud -- I'll admit to it being pretty damn funny -- but also because it lends weight to a couple of phrases from my favorite book of the Bible, Ecclesiastes:
Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
That which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun.

I'm still kvetching about seizures and stress, and I'm still bemoaning my weight and age. That one is more important than the other is beside the point.

All things are wearisome; Man is not able to tell it. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing.

I got my hair cut yesterday, and when I asked Henry to take my picture, he told me that I had to promise to actually post it. Here I am, vain as hell, looking for someone to photo-shop one inch off the sides of my face and restore the cheekbones that lie underneath. An upper lip would help, too, but leave the eyebrows.

In lieu of your kind comments and protestations of my "beauty" -- I know ya'll -- I'm going to ask you to regale me with stories of your own vanity. Let's have fun.

And I set my mind to know wisdom and folly; I realized that this, also, is striving after wind.Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.


  1. First off, I think you need to try really hard to get to your next class reunion. I know with great certainty that you (we) look so much better than many of our former classmates that that should buoy you for a while. As for my vanity, I feel that in the past five years my pores and chin hairs are basically a full time job. I spring for monthly facials and keep a tweezer with me at all times.

  2. Well, my girls laugh at me about this one I am going to share. Jess pretty much thinks I have body dysmorphic disorder or something because I have SO many issues with myself, but here it is:

    The fat in my eyelids are gone. Vanished.The orbital of my eyes sunken and hallowed in. And there is this thing I found called 'doll eye deformity'. I swear it is a real name that they have given it and my girls think I am a freak. I on the other hand want fat injections or something.Anything.

    And like Lisa, the chin/facial hairs, ridiculous. So much so I have instructed the girls that even if I have grown so senile that I don't recognize their faces,they are to pluck those suckers for sure. Please.

  3. This has not so much to do with my looks or vanity but perhaps, yes, yes it does.
    Last night at the concert there was this woman who was very, very thin and very striking and dramatic looking. She wore incredible eye-make-up and a gown that was made of black-lace over ecru which hinted at nudity. High heels. Very blonde hair, put up with messy glory. And she would NOT stop talking to my husband. I swear. I wanted to SMACK HER. She made me feel old and ugly and fat and maternal while her physical presence shouted SEX! SEX! SEX!
    No, she was not young but in some way, she was ageless.
    I said something about her to one of my daughters who was there and she said, "I wanted to slap the shit out of that woman and tell her, 'That's my daddy! And that's my mama sitting right there next to him!'"
    So it wasn't just me.
    That's my little story.
    P.S. You ARE beautiful, so there.

    1. I can TOTALLY see that woman in my maternal mind's eye.

  4. Frankly, I don't know where to begin. The weight gain, the thyroid issues, the hobbling around on a broken foot that refuses to heal, the wrinkles, the failing eye sight. But one thing I am proud of is that I quit dyeing my hair. And I was quite pleased with how my natural hair looked until this happened:

    A young girl at the school for the deaf where I work came and sat next to me in the cafeteria. She was chatting (signing) away when all of a sudden she paused and leaning towards me pointed to a wisp of white hair at my temple. She signed, "White?" Yes, I signed ,nodding my head, that is white hair. Then she slowly put her hand on my arm and tilting her face towards me in a consoling manner signed, "You will die soon."

  5. My daughter asked me if it was possible for people over 40 to have sex.

    1. Did you tell her that there's a narrow window to have sex and that it BEGINS at forty?

  6. Long time reader -- first time responding -- and really what does it say that it takes a post about vanity: so what is the deal with the loosey goosey skin under my chin? I seem to have woken up at age 47 with a wattle. It is appalling and I keep thinking about jutting out my chin or grimacing up my face so that no one will notice it. Since my daughter is very clear that I have 'beaver teeth' I am surprised that she has not pointed it out. And I have always thought my thighs were too big (chafing) and the hair is so grey that I do not recognize myself in pictures.

    I love your blog (came here from baxter sez)

    1. Welcome, and I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to respond to your hilarious comment!

  7. LOL at all the comments here. Really hilarious.

    I don't have too many vanity issues, I don't think. I am very careful about caring for my teeth, because I have such prominent teeth -- "beaver teeth," as someone said above -- and I want them to look good as long as possible.

  8. In the video made of my wedding day, my dad looks into the camera and says, of me and my groom, "They're a nice couple. They both have big teeth."

    Just don't ask me if I'm a "natural" redhead.

    I am.


  9. Vanity takes the form of relentless self-criticism in me (so I am told by the one closest to me). I have never been happy with my figure for more than a short time (body dysmorphia here, as well, Heather). It's SUCH a waste of energy; it avails no one and nothing. I wish that, knowing better, I would do better, but so far, it's actually getting worse (with menopause).

    I thought that after Katie died I would never be this petty and small-minded again, but alas, human nature continues to surprise. On the list of ACTUAL difficulties, this is minimal; on the list of bad character traits, maybe not so minimal. At least I am honest!

  10. I must have been in some existential crisis bc I bought for the first time some highly overpriced facial creams etc from my dermatologist... wondering why the hell i've paid so much money for things that probably don't do a damn thing but somehow I feel better pretending that I still actually care.

  11. Despite the fact that wearing them hurts my aging knees and hips and sets my lower back to screaming, I love the way heels make my butt look like it's actually still there, so I wear them three or four times a week. Despite the fact that I work from home and generally only leave the house to walk the dog (in heels) and go to the grocery store and drive the kids to school, I wear heels with my jeans, my slacks, and would desperately love to find a way to wear them with yoga pants if only so I could pretend to the world that I still have an ass.

  12. I have a zit on the left side of my face. I told Harry that I'd drive us to Zachary's banquet because I didn't want him to start asking me why I had picked at the zit on my face. Because I know that man and he'll act all like it pains him to see it and then will keep asking me shit about it. Which will piss me off. And make me self conscious. So I drove.

    Pretty vain, huh?



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