Sunday, February 24, 2013

Santa Anas, Cannabis and Dreams


We had Santa Ana winds last night, but the roses and lemons remain intact. Maybe they brought in dreams, though, because I had some intense ones. Houses with rooms, men I once loved, Sophie and bodies of water blew through my night, and when I woke at 3:45 or so this morning, the moon was shining through the slats of the blinds, insistent. I went back to sleep and woke to Sophie having another seizure -- she's having a bunch of seizures these days, again -- but I dissociated myself from despair and remembered I have a small vial of cannabis that I haven't dropped onto her tongue yet so maybe I will, maybe the Santa Anas that drive some mad will drive me to that.

Here's a poem. Don't fall into the abyss of conjecture that it speaks to me today because I read it last night.

Tomorrow I will start to be happy.
The morning will light up like a celebratory cigar.
Sunbeams sprawling on the lawn will set
dew sparkling like a cut-glass tumbler of champagne.
Today will end the worst phase of my life.

I will put my shapeless days behind me,
fencing off the past, as a golden rind
of sand parts slipshod sea from solid land.
It is tomorrow I want to look back on, not today.
Tomorrow I start to be happy; today is almost yesterday.

Dennis O'Driscoll

11 comments:

  1. I wouldn't hesitate to give the medical marijuana. And coming from me, that says a lot.
    Hugs to you both.

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  2. What a heartbreaking poem!
    Sigh.

    Did you hear that Dennis O'Driscoll passed away in December?

    And I love the notion of the wind contributing to dreams. We've had a dearth of wind in Seattle this winter, but when it comes, at night often, it sings its own lullaby.

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  3. So quietly haunting. That poem. Your inner stream of thought in the windswept night. Sophie on the verge of possible magic. I hope. I pray. Love to you.

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  4. That is a powerful, beautiful, phrase "I dissociated myself from despair...". I think you won't mind if I take that for a mantra to focus on for those 2 am hours awake and despairing.

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  5. Wasn't it Joan Didion who wrote about the Santa Ana winds making people do crazy things? I think that's in "Slouching Towards Bethlehem."

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    Replies
    1. (Not that I am accusing you of plagiarism or anything -- craziness and dreams are two different things!)

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  6. Thank you for this poem (and the Wallace Stevens.) And may your darling girl have relief, soon.

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  7. What a beautiful poem. Thank you Elizabeth.

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  8. I wonder if the full moon has anything to do with increased seizure activity....

    And I love that poem (and not just because I share the author's last name - now I have to go find more of his work).

    I can smell the rose and lemon scents carried on those hot winds. That will be my meditation today.

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  9. I wish I'd read this a couple days ago. Beautiful, as always. Today will end and tomorrow I shall have champagne.

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