Wednesday, November 18, 2015

My Syrian Relatives, Part 4

Splendor in the Grass


Well, we had quite a brouhaha when I posted earlier about my Syrian relatives. One of my cousins was extremely upset and let loose a personal attack in response to what she and other relatives thought was a shameful depiction of my Syrian grandfather as an angry man. My cousin apologized later, but I made the mistake of not accepting it as graciously as I might have, and my cousin took offense again. I decided that going back and forth on my blog was too upsetting for everyone, so I closed the comments. Thank you to those of you who had such thoughtful, interesting responses to both that post and to the spat as it unfolded. I did not paint a full portrait of my grandfather -- he was, obviously, a complex man and having strong opinions was only one of his characteristics (that I've apparently inherited and that I grapple with almost daily!). I thought this would be understood, but I offended not only my cousins but my dear Uncle Charles, my grandfather's only son. He wrote me a loving message on my Facebook page that I am going to post here. I think you'll get a far richer picture of my grandfather than mine, and also see where I might even get my wicked sense of humor.

Elizabeth ,I hope this does not start a family feud ( Hatfield and Mc Coys ) but i felt i had to respond .My Dad was not an angry Man and was not against Jews or Moslem he worked for many years for a Jewish boss and they were like family he was always invited to all his children's weddings and if you could picture it wore a yomica( spelling is bad ). I went deep sea fishing many times with his Syrian Jewish and Moslem friends out of Sheepshead Bay to the Jersey coast. He had strong feelings ( like you on many subjects ) on what is going on in the Middle East. Remember he lived in the period after World War 1 ,when Britain and France chopped up the area creating new countries out of other peoples land (ex Trans Jordan ) i know its before your time and your interest in the Middle East History while you studied Chinese and cooking might not have existed .loved my Dad and was so proud of how people looked up to him ,coming over for his advise and reading letters from Syria that they received and could not read. I have many good memories of my dad and so does Amy . He loved all his Grandchildren equally and it hurt her and yes your uncle Charles . He showed so much love to my beloved Vivian as well as to all his son in-laws. I remember when we were young my Dad would take us onSunday rides and we would all sing as we rode and i could see the happiness in his eyes. He would try to sing but he only knew a part of a song ( cherrie cherrie be ) an old song it was a happy time. i know Mom went thru times like all married people go thru ( im sure you can relate ) but i remember after all of us left the nest and they lived in a apartment in New Jersey when we would visit them they seemed so happy. He worked with Mom on a assembly line together in a factory and later he worked for a Jewish Lady who owned a candy newspaper store in Danville N.J. and a wonderful relation with her he was so honored that she let him open and close. II am sorry that all you remember is a terrible legacy . I write this with love, and a am blesses to have so many nieices and nephews who i love dearly and they all treat me with so much respect.

Thanks for that, Uncle Charles, and I apologize for hurting you. (As for the potential family feud, I know for a fact that my cousins are far better armed and better shots than I'd ever be, so I'm keeping my distance from here on out!)

21 comments:

  1. what a kind reaction, obviously from a kind man

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  2. This is *not* a suggestion that your grandfather did anything wrong, but I have a friend whose grandfather abused them. When they finally, as an adult, told their cousins about it, one cousin couldn't believe it, because her experience of her grandfather was that of a kind, generous man who took her on shopping trips.

    I'm sure that was the case, but just because she couldn't imagine the same man being an abuser doesn't mean he wasn't, or that my friend's experience was any less awful than it was.

    Sorry to use such an extreme comparison but I do so only to highlight the point that we can all know very different versions of the same person.

    And also, your post was not insulting, and in context I thought it was sympathetic rather than critical, exploring as it did the challenges your grandfather faced.

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    1. Thank you, Jo. I really appreciate that you understood my post -- and me.

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  3. What a nice comment from your uncle, and how great that he could help round out your image of your grandfather with his own words and experiences. We all experience our relatives in different ways, and older people DO sometimes seem grumpy and scary to young children, even when they don't mean to be. Anyway, I think your comments about your grandfather simply reflect your memories, and there's nothing wrong with that. Now you've had some additional feedback to help provide a fuller, and not necessarily contradictory, picture.

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  4. We are, all of us, complicated and changing. I love that your uncle has that lens through which to see your grandfather and chose to share it with you. And I applaud your courage for posting it as a follow up.

    I am struck by the remembrance of the different cultural and ethnic backgrounds of folks around your uncle and his memories of engaging in activities with them. I wonder if, in today's climate, it would have been seen as "offensive" or "cultural appropriation" for your grandfather to wear a yarmulke to a Jewish wedding like he did all those years ago. At the risk of sounding melancholy or simplistic, those days when America embraced its status as a home for all people of all backgrounds and truly took on the melting pot had their advantages. Not that people weren't persecuted for their backgrounds on occasion, sometimes brutally, but the fact that folks could live side by side like that and work together and raise children speaks of a community understanding that we are all human and we all coexist. Thanks for sharing this.

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    1. Your responses are always so beautiful, Kari, and they inspire me to be a better person.

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  5. It's the holiday season of thanks and goodwill so who could possibly stay mad! Well said Dad. Thank you for your wonderful memories of grandpa! And thank you Elizabeth for posting them. Just a side note to my family.. When everyone is sitting down next Thursday and giving thanks for all their blessings, take a moment to remember my Melinda. Thanksgiving 11/26/2009 / Amy

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  6. I, too, have an uncle Charles. No doubt many writers have landed in the soup with their family for what they have published. We all have our own memories. Your uncle's response was indeed kind.

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    1. Thanks, Tara! Being a writer and being true to one's memories is a tricky dance.

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  7. I am sorry I missed this as it was unfolding, but am quite touched by your uncle's response, which has a very loving tone. But you know, our memories are our memories, and there is no one truth about a person but a multitude of truths. This is instructive for me in my own family...

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  8. You know what I love best about all of this?

    "He had strong feelings ( like you on many subjects )"

    How awesome is that? You are like him and that is a good thing. No doubt he would be proud of you.

    My own father is a complicated man. An alcoholic. Moody. Prone to fits of anger and sometimes violence. But. But he always always stands up for what is right. He has strong beliefs on taking care of the poor, the elderly, the vulnerable. He was a Union rep and would not back down from a fight that crossed the boundaries of morals and ethics. Even though he was not able to be a father to me (he left when I was 6) he is a good man in many ways.

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  9. Human beings are so complicated. We are full of contradictions. One can be a good and loving person who is of service to many, regardless of creed or color and still have prejudices (as we all do!) One can be hysterically funny and have a mean streak. We often love and hate on the same day.

    You are very much like your Syrian grandfather, both soft and tough and open hearted and angry - both perfectly lovely people. And it sounds like you are very much like your kind uncle too and heck, you are even a bit like your cousin. Family is family and the genes don't fall very far from the tree. You have shown your love for them over and over again here and you are brave to speak out when you disagree and see things from a different perspective. You are also a very opinionated woman, Elizabeth, I love that about you. But the very best part is when you stand for yourself and the way you see the world and can then turn in a flash and admit when you are wrong.

    Your family seems full of very strong people (I remember the story about your aunt who recently passed away), I wish I had a family like yours.

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  10. and PS - that opinionated thing that I love so much - I don't always agree with it, because I'm a good friend.. ha! xo

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  11. Well, you know I know about how family can perceive things.

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    1. I do, Mary, and I thought about you as this unfolded, and how weird it is to have people tell you that your memories and experiences are somehow "wrong" or something to be ashamed of. I guess much lies in the telling, though, the way in which we tell our stories and at a certain point, we have to make decisions as writers on how to do it without hurting people. That might be impossible, but it's certainly something that I grapple with whenever I write about family.

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  12. Elizabeth, we lost a much beloved Uncle Charles in our family about a year ago, who was one of the kindest and gentlest men ever. To say a word to hurt him or his legacy would cause our family to go up in arms which something that can limit a lot that one can write personally. Because ANY negatively about ANYONE who was friend or family or within personal belief zone is considered sacred. You do wonderfully with those constraints that are on many writers who are not cut loose from community, friends and family.

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  13. I'm glad you shared your memories, I wondered where the comments went. And I'm glad your uncle shared his and I hope you and your cousins will one day be past the words now exchanged. My sister is a writer and I remember one particular time when she wrote about my grandmother and my uncle was angered and hurt by it. They both were able to get past that eventually.

    What I wanted to say when I read that other post and saw the family photo was how much they reminded me of my grandmother Pearl Reed Cleage's family. They were not Syrian, not even Middle Eastern but mixed black folks from Kentucky. A cousin recently published a photo of one of her brothers and he looks so much like your grandfather.

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