Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Pirouexiting IEPs

I want to tell ya'll about the day I had up on a bluff at Point Dume in Malibu, but first I want to tell you about the funniest question I was asked by one of Sophie's teachers yesterday. It was Monday morning, about 8:30, and I was doing the usual morning thing with Sophie at home which calls for a combination of the physical strength of an elephant, the body dexterity of a circus performer and the patience of a -- let's see -- praying mantis. I'm not going to give you anymore of a description than that, so let your imagination take flight, especially those of you who've been reading the exact same shit for the nearly nine years I've been writing the old blog.


The teacher* called me to ask why I wasn't at Sophie's "Exit IEP," and I said, What Exit IEP? and he said, Didn't you sign the paper letting you know the date of the Exit IEP was April the 3rd at 8:00 am? and I said, Um, no, I never received a notice about an Exit IEP and actually thought this would be the first year in two decades that I actually wouldn't have to perform my high-wire act at the IEP! (actually I didn't say that last part but I thought it with my tiny little mother mind™because you know -- really? an EXIT IEP?**) -- and he said, The form should have been in her backpack a couple of weeks ago, and I said, Well, I never received a form, and thought to myself with my tiny little mother mind™that it was weird they hadn't called me if they never received the signed form but remember I was busy with my own circus act at home which involved the elephants, the trapeze artist and the praying mantis, so I just said hmmm and nooo, and contemplated a pirouette (muscle memory every time I hear the acronym IEP), and then he said what is probably the greatest thing that I have ever heard uttered in the nineteen year history of the Sophie Girl IEP (and oh, lord, there have been some doozies), and perhaps the greatest thing ever uttered to my Caregiver Self and that was this:

Maybe one of your household staff removed it from her backpack?

Reader, need I say more?

I think not and will tell you about Point Dume and the whales and the flowers and the turquoise water and the television series being shot on the beach below which included airplane crash wreckage and actor/survivors and then later the Topanga Ranch Motel pictured above (which subs in for my "estate") at a later date.

*For the record, I love and admire Sophie's teacher, and he will be sorely missed when we are hurled off the cliff in May or shot out of the circus cannon and over the Pacific.

** For the record, I told him FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NINETEEN YEARS to just do what he had to do for the Exit IEP and send me the paper to sign. I have always wanted to check that box on the IEP notice that my household staff neglected to give me that says, "I am unable to be at the Individualized Education Meeting but hold the meeting without me anyway," because -- well -- really, what difference would it have made if I hadn't brought in those doughnuts every year, wore that pale rose-colored leotard and chalked my hands before doing the most perfect pirouettes on the wire above the earnest heads of the Powers That Be?


  1. What a miracle you are, Elizabeth, you and your wonderful mother mind, and still able to write about it, tongue in cheek. And all the rest. I hope something good happens after May, because heaven knows it's your turn for break.

  2. I am eagerly awaiting your memoir. And in the meantime, sending you oceans full of love. xxk

  3. My mind's eye has captured this perfectly. Even you sipping a chilled beverage (brought to you by one of your household staff) while sitting by the pool and writing the blog post.


  4. So. Did you line up the household staff from butler down to parlor maid and sternly ask them to 'fess up to exactly WHO REMOVED THE IEP FORM FROM SOPHIE'S BACKPACK WITHOUT INFORMING YOU, THE MOTHER?
    Good Lord. You just can't get good help any more.

  5. Thank you so much for the laughs this am! I love your sense of humor. I have followed your blog for a few years, I have a son who is total care. Your humor really helps me deal with this hefty caregiving gig!! I think this was your funniest yet! I love the idea of household staff!! If only....

  6. Hahahahahahaha! That is awesome. Those pesky household staff members.

    By the way, I love that motel picture. I'd photograph that place. Is it real, or a manufactured set piece for the TV show? It sure looks authentic...

    1. Steve Reed -- That IS real and is located on the PCH between Malibu and Santa Monica, right next to a famous fish shack. It's a wonderful place, and I've always wondered why someone hasn't bought it and turned it into a funky motel. I guess it WAS a funky motel at some point.

  7. You slay me. "Bam, dead" as my little Ryland likes to say.

  8. Time for the sparkle suit and the jet pack. Your household staff needs to get busy polishing those sparkles and fueling that sucker up.

  9. Perfect pirouettes aside, in a sane world, society actually would provide you with some household staff, to help with the care you are required to give.

  10. You have household staff? I'm incredulous, Elizabeth. This has never once been mentioned. Do you live in a McMansion as well?

  11. Do you get daily massages? Maybe the staff could clean the right side of your boys bedroom. 😂

  12. You're just going to have to speak to that damn pilfering parlor maid....again!

    I hope you stopped at the fish shack.

  13. Brilliant. I, too, am waiting for your book. Your high wire act is grace personified.

  14. STAFF!!! OMG, if ONLY, right!?! I guess they always assume we have Staff and this is why I know for damned sure they are so out of touch with our Realities. But you make it all sound so Amusing and you always make me laugh... it reminded me of what my Seriously Mentally Ill 16 year Old Grandson said to me the other day about my having to give up my beloved Diet Sodas and Carbs due to near comatose Diabetic Readings that mostly come from Caregiving Stress, but hey, we gotta try to lower them somehow that we actually CAN! He said, Gramma, anything that doesn't kill you only makes you develop coping skills that aren't healthy and a sick sense of humor! True that, the Kid cracks me up with his wit about the hand we've been dealt. May I say Congrats on no more IEP's, I despise them, but I've got a minimum of 7 more years 'til the younger one MIGHT Graduate... God be willing and the Creek don't rise... hey, if you're gonna Dream, Dream Big I always say! Blessings and a Hug from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

  15. It Was the Butler with the Candlestick in the Library!



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