Monday, December 26, 2016

The Pursuit and Practice of Equanimity




Your daughter, no stranger to bouts of weirdness that she ultimately recovers from, is acting very weird. She is not having any more seizures, per se, than usual, but she is very weak and doesn't want to walk and you held her in your arms exactly like you would an infant today and fed her a sippee cup of juice, sip by sip. She has no fever. She has no cold. You have run through the possible things wrong, and these include viruses, brain tumors, autoimmune diseases, broken necks or backs, severe pain, and, of course, Just Plain Old Fucked Up Epilepsy Shit. You said a few prayers before remembering that you actually don't believe in prayer, other than as a form of meditation and you do believe in meditation because it has, quite literally, saved you from insanity during the other bouts of weirdness your daughter has had over the last two decades, unlike prayer which has always had a desperate quality to it when you do it and a treacly, insincere, I don't know what else to do for you except pray sort of quality when others do it for you (with some notable exceptions from some truly holy people you know). Since the last time your daughter had a significant bout of weirdness (October is the cruelest month, contrary to the poet's dictum), and you landed up taking her to the hospital where, basically, nothing happened or was learned by the Powers That Be* over the six days you were in the hospital with your daughter and then you were sent an Explanation of Benefits by the Supreme Powers That Be** that amounted to $140,000 To Find Out Absolutely Nothing But That Your Daughter Has A Hospital-Acquired Urinary Tract Infection And Is Indeed Suffering the Toxic Effects of Vimpat Confirming The Mother's Tiny Little Mother Mind,™ you make the decision when you're not praying/meditating that you will not bring your daughter back to the hospital. You want everyone reading this who is not a doctor to not look on this as medical advice, but everyone reading this who is not a doctor should know that your lack of sense of urgency co-exists with a supreme panic and is the result of more than twenty years of doing this shit and meditating. Hence, equanimity.



Even the title of this post is a nod to equanimity as you just can't, no matter how hard you try, pursue it.











* The Neurology Community
** The Health Insurance Industry and Medical Industrial Complex That Has Now, Apparently, Taken Full Control Of the Disunited States or Drumpfland.

19 comments:

  1. Oh, Elizabeth. This is not what I want to hear.
    May she recoup her strength. May you be okay.
    Sending love.

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  2. Elizabeth- thinking of you and Sophie. We are all with you as you encircle her with your arms of love.

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  3. That horrible, helpless feeling that you should be doing something while at the same time understanding that nothing will make a difference. It makes me want to cry Elizabeth. I'm sorry and I hope Sophie recovers.

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  4. Feeling bad about your situation Elizabeth. I Havent given up on the medical community especially given our most recent Mayo experience--- but I do understand where you you're coming from. I hope the current weird situation smooths out soon. Love to you.

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  5. my husband is a former doctor and he avoids doctors and hospitals like the plague. (ha) He knows how things can go south with intervention. He's seen it all, as a pediatrician.

    Nothing to do but what you are doing. That'll be 140 thousand dollars, thank you very much. I hope she feels better soon, darling girl.

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  6. Witnessing.

    And noticing, like I always do when you post pics of Sophie's room, how beautiful it is. And what an amazing mother you are. That Sophie can't tell you what is wrong is utmost bullshit. And I am so sorry she can't, and that you both are going through this. Again.

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  7. Get well quick Sophie - Elizabeth you are the best medicine !

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  8. I imagine this is somewhat terrifying, beneath the equanimity. And yet what else can you do? I pray Sophie feels better soon, that the weirdness passes. It is a gritty, knotted prayer, not the treacly kind. Love.

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  9. A Virtual Hug since I have no words that would be adequate... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  10. I'm so grateful you can hold her. More so than prayer, touch is the most reassuring and comforting. Wishing I could hold you both. Love you two

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  11. From the relative reality perspective, the pursuit and practice of equanimity is a cultivation of quality. I have no doubt you know that one of the meaning of equanimity (upekkha) is letting go. It's the letting go that brings the mental calmness.

    From the absolute reality perspective, equanimity is our natural unmoving self-nature. Nothing to pursue.

    I hope Sophie will get better soon.

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  12. I am so sorry to hear this news. Sophie was doing so well for so long and this should not have been the next step. I hope that whatever this is passes quickly and that Sophie and you may be well and peaceful.

    You and Sophie and the boys are always loved.

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  13. Elizabeth, I've been following your blog for quite a while, but I've never commented because, quite frankly I've never known what to say. But after this, I want to do something I never before thought of doing. I want to let loose a primal scream, the likes of which has never been heard before. Not just for you and your family, although that's what's triggered it, but I feel like screaming for the whole wide world. I don't think I'm going mad, just that everything is out of control. Is there no reason or compassion left?

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  14. Always sending love and what passes for prayer around here. I have been the recipient of prayers from those holy people, sometimes in quantity, often enough to trust in their power, in the outcome, certainly in the loving intention. xo

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  15. Ditto Full Soul Ahead. I was going to say that I see you and hear you, but "witnessing" is better. Namaste. The light in me, greets the light in you. Love.

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  16. Sending loving thoughts your way. I think that might actually be prayer.

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  17. I know this place you describe soldier sister and send you strength. I am with you in spirit. Always.

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  18. I have never had the words to express my thoughts on prayer. You said it for me.

    May the light of the sun and the moon dance together upon your face as a reminder of what lies beyond here, now. May you both know you are loved. I am sending more too.

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  19. Elizabeth, I'm playing catch up and only read this now. I'm so sorry you and Sophie are going through such a rough period. I know what it feels like when you're in the thick of it; not a speck of light at the end of the tunnel. But I hope like so many past lows it passes soon and you both return to the "normal" you knew - wait, that's not much of a wish. May you enjoy a much rosier reality than you've known these past 20 years!

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