I'm not going to expound upon my morning which, much like many mornings, was an aggravating and upsetting one, filled with miscommunication, seizures, cancelled plans, and lots and lots of crying. After a cleansing call from my friend Heather, and more tears and jagged sobs, I headed out with Sophie for a walk, and while my eyes felt hot and my head pounded, I was cheered, once again, by our glorious weather here in Los Angeles. The skies were outrageously blue; I had a tee-shirt and sweater on that I had to remove and tie around my waist; the breeze was blowing and I thought to myself that if it weren't for the weather, I might be dead.
I had to take a picture of this very strange front "lawn" which was actually a cemented over yard in front of a 1920s apartment building. The owners had cut out circles and squares in which pathetic plants grew. Weird, weird, weird.
The thing about Los Angeles is the incongruity of the urban grit and riotous color, all thrown together no matter where you look. This crazy beautiful rose crept up a window in an otherwise dirty and decrepit yard.
The fall colors are fantastic -- and while they don't scream as loudly as they might in New England, the sweet-gum trees give us a bit of glory.
So, I'm not dead and have made it through another day. Here's to the morrow, as they say.
I always remember this time of year in Los Angeles smelling like wild sage and manure everyone puts on their lawns. It isn't a yucky smell but very specific to Thanksgiving for me.
ReplyDeleteOh, Elizabeth. Sometimes I just worry about you. Tears sting my eyes and my heart aches.
ReplyDeleteThere is only so many anti-depressants and positive thinking one can do before the soul erupts and says ENOUGH!
Last week I was speaking to my grief counsellor about all the heart break and sadness in the world. I told her I don't understand it. I told her that I don't understand why some people have such a heavy yoke to carry. I know when my own daughter was diagnosed with N.F. I hated people who told me that "God chose me because he knew my daughter needed me." I still hate those words. Seriously. Like I am an extra strong person that can deal with shit that others can't so God tossed her in my lap? Bullshit, I say.
I don't know why I am saying any of this. I am sad that if weren't for the weather you would be dead. You sound so, so tired, dear one. You were burnt out about 15 years ago and yet you keep going.
And yes, tomorrow is another day. I will make a wish for you tonight. I wish tomorrow to be a little lighter and a little brighter and that tomorrow brings you more to live for than just the weather.
It sounds so hard for you, Elizabeth, as it would be for anyone in your circumstances. Thank goodness the weather offers you some reprieve, as does your writing.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say, as I so often remind myself when times get tough, this too shall pass. And something good will hopefully happen around the corner.
In the meantime, I offer you as much support as my words can muster. One step at a time and onwards.
The sweet & unbearable agony of being alive.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if, on our deathbeds, we'll pine for a day as alive as yours seems to have been today.
(I wish we lived in the same city.)
(Or state, at least.)
xo
I have never been at all interested in L.A. until reading your blog and getting your perspective on the city. I'm glad you love so much about it. You've opened my eyes. (Though I agree, that cemented over yard has an odd Tim Burton-ish vibe going on).
ReplyDeleteI hope your tomorrow is better. Much better.
Love you.
ReplyDeleteCould you imagine if we lived where it was rainy and cold and dreary? Wow, would we be in trouble. Yes, maybe even dead.
You know, one day, days like today will be in reverse.So glad to we have each other.
Glad you're not dead!!! Looking at my own blue sky here on the opposite side of the world, sending you a thought through the magic of the internet. Somewhere, the sky is always blue...
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes the beauty of the world around me keeps me here as well, perhaps that's why there are trees and flowers.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs.
This reminds me of a post I wrote a long time ago called, I think, Looking Up.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't that things were looking up, I was sunk in despair, but I kept my eyes up to the trees, the sky. It helped.
So THAT'S why you and Heather hold it together. Because it is cloudy and rainy/snowy at least 1/3 of the year here.
ReplyDeleteAre you a native Californian?
Wishing there was something I could do, and hoping for a better (much better) day for you tomorrow. XOXO
ReplyDeleteThank you for continuing to show us what you see through your lens. There is immense beauty and mystery in your photos.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for getting out with Sophie for a walk -- as one of the other commenters said, 'one step at a time.'
You are dearly loved. xo
i am glad for the good weather elizabeth, and whatever else helps. i am glad you are alive. i wish so hard i could put my arms around you and just hold you. i hope you can feel the love. i love you so much dear elizabeth. i wish it were enough to ease your heart on days like this. i don't truly know your walk, but please know i am here.
ReplyDeletei do the same thing. and think the same thing, doing it.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is the morrow already, as I read this. I hope today's grayness is giving you some kind of fabulousness.
ReplyDeleteGrace where you can find it and beauty where you see it. Your perspective matters and inspires. I with you a better day tomorrow.
ReplyDelete