As you know, I adore my sons. They are truly knights, warriors and sweethearts in nearly every way. With each other? Not so much. Their squabbling and fighting drives me nuts, drives me to nearly cursing (but I don't), makes me want to run for the hills with poetry, think about military school (for them), and wonder why, why, why are boys so aggressive and simple-minded? I just sat them down in their bedroom (they share) and hollered at them for:
- letting horseplay on the trampoline degenerate into spitting (both of them), screaming (both of them), crying (the younger one), laughing hysterically (the older one)
- banging on the front door with a broomstick in a frenzy (younger one)
- dissolving in a puddle of condescending laughter (the older one)
- saying he started it one too many times
Would I prefer the clever, diabolical and mean machinations of the female mind that my friends with daughters talk about? Sometimes. I'm crafty and witchy/bitchy enough to go head to head, I think, with any girl. I grew up with sisters and know what fighting with one is all about (thanks, Melissa, for schooling me in sibling strife). I think it's the primitive nature of the boys' fighting that gets to me. It's so physical and annoying -- and usually stupid.
What comes to mind is the great children's book No Fighting, No Biting by Else Holmelund Minarik and illustrated by the great Maurice Sendak. Here the siblings are brother and sister, but I identify with the older sibling and her growing irritation.
Reader, how do you handle sibling bickering?
I grew up in a family of 3 boys and 4 girls and I have to say my brothers taught me a lot about how to "fight". I agree that boys do "rival" w/ each other in a different manner than girls, much more aggressive, but over a bit quicker and ready to move on .. in my opinion...girls... well i'm sure you know, it lingers...
ReplyDeleteYour boys sound amazing and I feel your appreciation of them.
What about finding another household with a similar situation and trading children? If switching results in two less factioned households wouldn't it be ideal? Maybe immediate family should be viewed more at a community level as opposed to households or just one set or single parent.
ReplyDeleteJust going off of what you've shared here, I think the logical steps to progressively take would begin with cursing.
If that doesn't chill the little fuckers then the second step is military school
My husband is one of 4 boys and 2 girls and our boys' squabbling doesn't get on his nerves like mine. We have to nip it at the dinner table though. They have heard from us though that we expect them to fight at home but "on the street" they need to have each other's back. With three the oldest and youngest are fond of each other so poor middle has to take it and then he gives it.
ReplyDeleteMichele R.
I feel you. I grew up with brothers so when I had two girls who started bickering and playing mind-games with each other, I must admit I wished they would just throw each other down the stairs and be done with it.
ReplyDeleteThat said, the most profound thing Bubba and I ever did when we had had enough one day was to stage our own catfight over something utterly trivial. The girls were horrified and both started crying and begging us to stop treating each other so horribly. It wasn't my proudest moment, but it certainly illustrated to them what it does to a person to watch two people they love treat each other like crap.
Unfortunately, since they are human, they continue to fight.
I grew up with an older sister, and then had two girls of my own. My girls' fighting just feels familiar. Maybe it doesn't faze me so much because I fought with my sister, especially in high school, yet we are very close now. When the girls were younger I often had to reassure my husband because the way the girls would fight used to really frighten him!
ReplyDeleteHow do I handle sibling bickering? I wish I did! Since I have girls, I spend most of my strategy with being aware of subtleties and sneakiness. There is so much that goes under the radar with girls. I would rather have broomsticks I think - rather broomsticks than notes and door slamming.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who "had it" one day with her boys (they are good, well raised souls too ...but boys). She just calmly walked in to the living room where they were fighting with the first aid kit and informed them to take care of their wounds after they continued to beat each other up. She wasn't interested anymore. They were so shocked. I don't think I could handle boys coming from 4 girls but I love that story.
ReplyDeleteI used the techniques in a book called "Mom, Jason's breathing on me!". It changed my life. It reduced the bickering 90 percent. It's by Anthony Wolf.
ReplyDeleteThe bickering is driving me bonkers too. In our case it is almost always Ruby that instigates - picking on Oscar and (trying to) boss him around. And then sometimes Abe picks on Ruby. Oscar picks on no one but he has the loudest meltdowns. I'm gonna get that book!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: I generally hate parenting books, but I just downloaded this one on my Kindle and am going to curl up in bed and read it. Quickly. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteElizabeth. I had a feeling that the books title would appeal. It is a very counter intuitive way of dealing with these issues. Wolf is one of the most realistic parenting guys out there. Once I read one of his books I knew he was the go to guy for me. His approach involves realizing that you just don't need to get involved in a lot of this stuff. I have girls so it's a little different but I really credit him with helping me bring a good level of harmony here. They are now 15 and 16 so it's had time to be put to the test. I know from reading regularly what great kids your boys are. I think a guy like Wolf is especially helpful when your kids are already basically so good in general. I do also like his teen book. "Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall". Sorry about the anonomys siggie. Hard to sign in to my google account on my I pad. Annie.
ReplyDeleteMary. I also read your blog and also know how lovely your kids are. I don't know how you will feel about Wolfs techniques when you are dealing with a kid who has as much to deal with as Oscar does. Wolf only touches on issues involving a kid who has extra challenges very very briefly.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that my first two barely ever bickered at all. My second two never ceased.
ReplyDeleteI lived through it. So did they. I have no idea how.
Now they are the best of friends in the world. Go figure.
First of all, I ADORE "No Fighting, No Biting"! It's one of my favorite childhood books, and nobody seems to read it any more. Anyway...this stuff is what I keep telling Jude every time he starts fretting about wanting a brother!
ReplyDeleteMy girls fight all the time. They name-call and hit and wrestle each other to the ground. They also play together and sometimes, wrestle for fun (the laughing kind). The squabbling drives me nuts. The fighting over toys makes me want to rip my hair out. I'm checking out the Jason's Breathing book, too.
ReplyDeletehow do i handle it? usually i scream at them to stop. it doesn't ever work. even worse is the manic horseplay when i worry that one of them is going to slam into a wall. it has happened! i scream at them to stop then too and they run off giggling. no wisdom here. sorry.
ReplyDeletea parenting book that kept it real and got me through some crazy times:
ReplyDeleteGet Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager
also by anthony wolf it turns out!
here's a parenting/teaching site which I adore and turn to, often: www.loveandlogic.com
ReplyDeleteOh, man, this sounds just like me and my brother. I think my mom just ignored it for the most part, and separated us when things got too heated. (That's harder to do when you share a bedroom, though!) Fortunately the storms pass quickly -- at least they did in our case, and we were always getting along again within a relatively short time. The key thing to remember is that a lot of the fighting doesn't really mean anything -- as you say, it's just stupid. It passes.
ReplyDeletethe sibling bickering I get is the older brothers bickering with their younger sister -- don't they get the age difference thing?!
ReplyDelete