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| a not so flattering portrait for a not so flattering post |
I have a friend who laughs and mimics me every time I say, You should know this about me. I hate (blank). When he was two years old, my son Oliver used to say I hate everybody just to get a rise out of all of us. Another husband of mine used to tell me the story of his paternal grandmother who admonished him to hate no one but the Devil. I'm hesitant around hyperbole, but I hate placidity. And with all this gratitude stuff going around, I'm going to be contrary -- shake things up a bit. I'd love to hear what you hate, and if it's me, feel free to say so.
So here goes, a list of things I hate:
- BMW drivers (at least in Los Angeles): they are, as a rule, arrogant, particularly adept at weaving in and out of traffic aggressively and obnoxiously, honk early when lights turn green and roar past normal drivers like myself. Reader, if you drive one, you might be the exception to the rule that even my sons, avid lovers of cars, have grudgingly admitted is absolutely correct.
- when my sons take their pants and underpants off together and throw them, attached, in the laundry basket, inside-out
- milkshakes, except coffee
- seeing the words its and it's mixed up, or there and their
- hard-core moralistic evangelicals of any religion
- when Sophie has a seizure in the bathtub, and it takes two people to protect and lift her naked, jerking body out of the tub
- seizures, in general and in particular
- the expression anyhoo
- gross-out movies, like Bridesmaids and There's Something About Mary
- the financial success of movies like the above
- that I keep entering Pioneer Woman's giveaways (recently, a lime-colored Kitchen-Aid mixer) and never winning. I don't mind that I don't win (there are about a million people who don't after all!), but I hate that I keep entering them with hope that I might. It seems pathetic.
- patriotic expressions like "the ultimate sacrifice" and other immoderate comments about warfare and soldiers
- health insurance companies
- slick, renovated kitchens for people who don't cook
- slick, renovated kitchens in general
- the tyranny of exercise
- designer handbags and any clothes with logos, particularly those for children
- the whole frenetic what private school is my kid going to get into? time of year of the luxury classes
- giant cars and the people that think in America, they can drive whatever the hell they want
- the phrase take back America
- Pediatric doctors and nurses who refer to the mother as mom, as in Mom says Little Joey isn't feeling too well today.
I hate:
ReplyDelete1. Being called a "guy" as in "are you guys ready to order?" when, obviously, I AM NOT A GUY!
2. I hate "anywho" and "anyways".
3. Don't mix up your and you're.
4. I don't like motorcycle or bicycle riders who do not obey every rule of the road.
5. I hate people who park in handicap spaces even if only "for a minute".
6. I hate doctors who call me by my first name after saying "I'm Doctor So and So".
7. I have zero tolerance for people who are habitually late.
8. I hate it when people say "you don't mind if ask you a personal question, do you?" YES, I MIND!
9. I hate it when people answer their cell phones while I'm having lunch with them. Actually, if I'm doing anything with them.
10. People behind me who chat and eat during movies, symphony, etc.
To be continued.
1. I hate aggressive speedy drivers. Don't we ticket speeders in L.A. anymore? I haven't seen anyone pulled over in ages.
ReplyDelete2. I hate drivers who wave at me while I'm in a crosswalk--but don't stop.
3. I hate burned-out lights above freeway and street signs.
4. I hate burned out lights along the freeway, and especially on the on-ramps and exit ramps.
5. I hate that it costs 11.00 bucks to park at UCLA.
6. I hate smog.
7. I really hate the corruption in our city government
8. I hate litter.
9. I hate the incursion of private cell phone conversations into public spaces.
10. I hate flying coach--how expensive it is, how crowded it is, how there are no amenities, and cranky service.
There!
Fabulous list! So many great things I hadn't thought of to hate. I had no idea you entered Pioneer Woman giveaways, that is almost as good as admitting you read romance novels. OK, things I hate:
ReplyDelete1. Vendettas of certain ex-husbands
2. Cluster headaches (the gift of perimenopause)
3. Waking up at 2 a.m. unable to fall back to sleep (the gift of perimenopause AND an ex with a vendetta)
4. Dust-bunnies
5. Copious school forms
6. My inability to figure out to do with the piles of paper growing around my computer
7. Not being able to soothe my kids' emotional pain
8. Financial worries
9. The fact that my relatives live 3000 miles away
10. Greed and corruption
1. I hate people who text at movie theaters.
ReplyDelete2. I hate Fox News and their so-called journalists.
3. I hate rich people who have no clue that the rest of the planet doesn't live and spend as they do.
4. I hate being hit-up for 'spare change' every time I go to the grocery store.
5. I hate people who don't pick up their dog's poop.
6. I hate people who speak loudly anywhere -- we don't all need to know your every word.
7. I hate it when my blood sugars are all over the map for no apparent reason.
8. I hate when my body crashes and burns and reminds me I'm mortal.
9. I hate it when politicians pretend they are medical doctors and think they know what's best for women's health.
10. I hate it when the t.v. cable goes on the fritz - which seems to happen a lot.
See? You're not alone in hating. Though my grandmother would tell us to say, "loathe" or "despise."
I hate fleas!
ReplyDeleteThat's all I can think of right now. I really hate them, though.
Elizabeth that was great...I got a laugh and nodded by head in agreement with a few of yours. I laughed at a few too and sad at some of yours...
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to sit in quiet to start a list...oh boy.
I hate crazy ex-hubs.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. Where to begin?
ReplyDelete1. I hate BMWs, Mercedes and Porsches. My ex as one of each.
2. People who don't pick up their dog's shit.
3. People who don't understand that there is a difference between your and you're.
4. Children and young adults who feel they are entitled.
5. People who park in handicapped spaces and who don't have the placard, or a handicapped person with them.
6. Businesses or anyplace that doesn't have handicapped bathrooms.
7. Drivers that ride my ass, pass me and then I meet them at the next light.
8. Slackers at work. People who hide when there is work to be done.
9. Gossip, sniping and backstabbing, at work and in general.
10. Hypocrites.
11. Oblivious people.
12. Manipulative people.
13. Lousy restaurant food.
14. Hot flashes.
15. The stupid, unreadable blogger words that are supposed prevent robots. Really? Then call me a robot because half the time I guess wrong what the fucking letters are!
Apparently I have some pent up anger today:)
Oh god, where do I start.
ReplyDelete1. I get pissed with to/too/two, their/there, it is/its, you're/your. All of them but I also notice I make those mistakes a lot (alot, that is another one) and I do know the difference. (I actually used a "to" when I should have used "too" in a comment I made to you on a recent post.)
2. I have Hummers.
3. I hate when people have their music so loud in their cars that it shakes my windows.
4. I hate our current provincial and federal political parties.
5. I hate black licorice.
6. I hate when my cat kills birds.
7. I hate the man that raped my mom when she was 15. He caused her a lifetime of grief, sorrow, fear and anxiety. I always say, even though I never laid eyes on the man, he lived in our house. If I could turn back time I would kill him before he got to my mom.
8. I also hate bras.
ReplyDeleteRight now the list of things I don't hate is far shorter than the list of things I do.
ReplyDeleteYikes. I am master of the tangent so am guilty of the 'Anyway' (small print: and light hearted variations thereof). Please don't hate me.
ReplyDelete- I hate ticks. The serve no redeemable purpose in nature and are gross. I'd forgotten I hate summer because of them until a recent Unfortunate Incident.
- I hate "bloggy writing", such as capitalizing phrases like Unfortunate Incident.
- I hate that I do it Anyway.
- I loathe Motorcycles (too).
- I hate jellybeans and I hate that I can never eat just a few.
- I hate my metabolism.
- I hate my commute. More and more each day.
- I hate that MO cops actually enforce the speed limit and don't have better things to do.
-
I hate street lights.
ReplyDeleteI hate "nice"
I hate gossip
I hate this nothing bit of town we're stuck in
I hate poverty
I hate smirky people
I hate "fitting in"
I hate usual
I hate "Jesus loves you" (when the person saying it has their chin up and their nose in the air)
I hate people who tolerate me (fight me, argue with me, accept me, or flip me off -- but don't tolerate me)
I hate street lights (that needed a second mention).
I hate that the world has gotten so modern. We don't need half what we have and what we need, there is no way to regain -- peace, quiet, time to think, and dark nights without.... streetlights.
I hate
ReplyDelete1. Competitive eating. Gluttony and waste as entertainment are a sign of the apocalypse
2. Unkindness, especially if it's by or aimed at my kids
3. Senseless waste, especially of food, such as watching the airport bakery employee dumping the whole case full of food in the trash before closing up for the night
4. Injustice, pretty much anywhere
I hate:
ReplyDeletecadillac escalades
NRA stickers on cars
people who drive 35 on a freeway onramp
eggplant
arthritis
the mall
guilt over waiting too long between oil changes
epilepsy
books with graphic sex scenes
movies with graphic sex scenes
church on easter and christmas
... I could go on forever I think
LOL -- I think if I start this exercise I might never stop! I'm with you on No. 5, though, as I coincidentally wrote about today. I also really, really dislike it when people in groups walk abreast on the sidewalk and I can't walk/run past them without stepping into traffic. And I dislike people who ride bikes on crowded sidewalks. (Oh boy, see, you've got me going...)
ReplyDeleteI hate
ReplyDelete1. Politicians.
2. Extremists. Particularly religious, but any extremism is unnecessary and ugly.
3. Motorbikers who think they can break the speed limit, especially on country roads.
4. Parents who expect teachers to bring their children up.
5. People who use their mobile phones when they are in the middle of an interaction with someone face to face.
6. People who use mobile phones while driving.
7. Cleaning bathrooms.
Well Elizabeth, I'm with you on 2, when it applies to daughters, 5, 12, 14, 16 and 21. Many of your other hates are Americo-centric.
ReplyDeleteMy pet hate is the way we here in Australia treat asylum seekers as though they are criminals, terrorists or people to be excluded, and not human beings in need of compassion and true asylum.
I also hate hypocrisy, even as I am guilty of it sometimes. I loathe high mindedness, bigotry and most of the -isms that float around in this world, especially when taken to the extreme.
I hate lice that appear on people's heads, especially children's.
I hate the quick reaching for medication in the face of emotional distress, anxiety and grief, and as an alternative to listening and trying to understand.
I could go on.
I hate that we as a society, myself included, toss the word hate around so cavalierly. We need more peace and love and more states with Medical Marijuana so there is less hate and more relaxing. :)
ReplyDelete1. I am with you on the status cars
ReplyDelete2. Pants with words across the butt - especially words like Pink and Juicy. Really??
3. Forms that ask questions about my son that are supoposed to make me think that the therapy provider really cares about him as an individual but will probably never be read and he will end up with whatever set of generic programs all the kids are doing anyway. . .
4. not knowing for sure if my son is having seizures
I could go on but I am going to stop there.
I wish I could LIKE blogzilly's comment -- because I do -- I do like it -- I kept thinking hate was too strong a word for the things on my list -- except for streetlights -- I do hate streelights. Blogzilly's comment made me smile. ty, blogzilly .
ReplyDeleteGranny Kate and Blogzilly: Well, I think part of the exercise was the absurdity of hating such ridiculous things (for most people). Frankly, I was surprised that Blogzilly didn't jump on board with his usual sense of humor and go with the flow.
ReplyDeleteI hate the fact that my son has a crappy girlfriend and there's nothing I can do to interfere.
ReplyDeleteAnd people who don't tip.
And my landlord.
And my boss THE MINOTAUR.
This post was great fun and very cathartic.
I thought working in the peace, love and ganja WAS having a sense of humor...but I guess that was just me.
ReplyDeleteSome of your list made me laugh out loud ( I hate "lol," by the way) and some of it made me sad, (seizures. What's not to hate?) I hate real things (adhesions, chronic illness, insurance companies, doctors who treat patients as a number, etc.) and weird things, too (the sound of popcorn crunching in a quiet theatre just before the movie starts.) I hate made-up words like "redonculous," and "new" phrases like "nom-nom." They make me cringe. I hate paying bills. And dusting. Both of which I am putting off at the moment, by commenting on this post! ;)
ReplyDeleteBlogzilly: I know, I know. I was just hoping that you would have come up with a list, as I'm sure it would have been hilarious! :)
ReplyDeleteI hate the news AND my addiction to it.
ReplyDeleteI think you just inspired a Spin Cycle topic.
ReplyDeleteThank you for giving us all permission to do this ;-).
ReplyDelete1. I hate feeling stupid. Especially when I am certain that it is as the result of a miscommunication, but the person on the phone isn't 'getting it.'
2. I hate inequity that is seemingly random.
3. I hate grammar errors of any kind, especially when they are posted on signs in public.
4. I hate the notion of health insurance.
5. I hate people who are so absolutely convinced of their own beliefs that they cannot entertain the notion of anyone else's.
6. I hate sexual predators.
7. I hate watching my kids suffer.
#1 is absolutely true. My sister drives a BMW and trust me, it's true. Also, so there with you on #2 and #9.
ReplyDeleteYep.
ReplyDeleteExcept here's one thing I very much DO like: you. That you're out there.
But yes, BMW drivers are THE WORST. Anyone who drives a car that cost more than my first house should be slapped upside the head. And then made to pay for my kitchen remodel.
I am in total agreement with #16, 20, 21, 4, and 5 and of course, I hate seizures of all types and in all situations, especially water.
ReplyDeleteI also hate:
1. People with adamant political views who speak with total conviction but are completely ill informed or flat our ignorant.
2. People who are checking out at a store while gabbing on the phone or people who feel like they have to walk through the grocery store loudly discussing every flippin' thing they are buying as if to clear it with their significant other on the other end of the phone.
3. Walking around a store, street etc talking all loud on your bluetooth making people like me think you're talking to them.
4. People who feel like they need to answer their text right then and there when they are standing there talking to you.
5. Extreme couponers who clear out the shelf because they need 1,000 tubes of toothpaste for their family of 3.
6. Over dramatic people.
7. My old dissertation advisor and my soon-to-be-ex-sister-in-law.
8. The way people CARE about the Kardasians and Jersey Shore crew and all that other nonsense... if we don't respond and watch and support it, people like them won't be rewarded with fame and fortune and an absurd amount of media time! :)
9. Autism.
There's probably more but I'm exhausted with all this "hate" :) LOL!
!. hair in my toothbrush
ReplyDelete2. the tenuous state of our food systems
3. suicide
4. the word 'saliva'
5. sex offenders (i wish only 'sex offenses', but it's not true. :/ )
6. 'God hates fags' propaganda
7. recyclables in garbage cans
8. cancer
9. the disparity of dog and human life spans
10. i'll agree with and one-up the too/to/two & they're/their/there submissions and admit i even go so far as to hate further vs farther and breath vs. breathe who vs. whom misuse
... so this didn't go as lighthearted as i'd hoped, but in the same spirit, i have to submit i HATE seizures also and i have to applaud your advocating so courageously for your daughter. In doing so, you are speaking for so many, many others who may be reluctant to advocate courageously for themselves.
I agree with nearly all of yours...except for the milkshake thing. I hate coffee. ;)
ReplyDeleteAwesome hate list.
ReplyDeleteI hate;
Hearing people say 'anyways'.
Drivers who refuse to use directionals.
Parking space stalkers: I always sit and dick around until they go away.
Broccoli.
Spray tans.
Nineteen year olds complaining that they're 'Tired'. Give me an effing break.
And many many more...
I love my sister's last one up above. Although I did think I was tired when I was 19. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI hate: when words like artisan and vintage and inspired appear on mass-produced crap, very large suvs, when people get moral about food or money, guns, fox news and the info-tainment industry, brain disorders, ignorance, insurance companies, mean spirited comments, spray tans and too-white teeth. And I'm sure a lot of other things.
Very fun, Elizabeth. You rock.
Addendum:
ReplyDeletethe word 'ictal' and just about all seizure-related terminology
rogue underwires that poke you in tender places covered by your strappy, elastic bosom sling.
our cultural distortion of ideal human body image
i'm from Idaho, so it's rampant, but i still can't handle, "where's it AT?"
on that note, unless for dramatic effect, anything redundant
b.s. patriarchal paradigms that serve to subjugate and objectify women
people blaming Obama for high gas prices
navigating our failing healthcare system
Poverty, hunger, kids with empty tummies
forgetting that i'm cooking
price tack stickers that leave that gluey goop smear behind
losing things
people not using their blinkers
Hate to submit any more negativity into the universe, but i've had a terrible past two weeks. i really appreciate the opportunity to share in some cathartic release. I needed that. Thanks.
Don't mean to hijack this thread with an exceedingly long comment, but April was in some regards, devastating. I was inspired (perhaps out of necessity) to compile a list of Things That Don't Suck:
ReplyDeletepillows
manatees
rainbow suspenders
serendipity
lavender
harmonicas
remission
chaco tans
cold beer @the end of a long hot day
sipping quiet cups of coffee as the sun rises
catching lightning shows from the dry, cozy safety of your sofa
poetry
bicycles
nice cops
good samaritans
whirly-gigs and wind socks
legos
the enthusiasm of six year olds
gardens & orchards
gnomes & faeries
the 80's (okay some of it sucked, but nothing day-glo, spandex and Strawberry Shortcake couldn't make up for)
tie-dye
soldiers coming home
moms
licking the beaters, baking and stand mixers
whipped cream
chickens
stay at home dads
caregivers for the elderly or those with special needs
911 dispatchers and nurses
Cookie Monster
Giant Palouse Earthworms
crushing golf balls at the driving range
boats
garage sales and thrift stores
tetherball and 4 square
live music and Pandora
hope and silver linings
artists, innovators and scientists
garden fresh and home-canned goodness
fruit rollups
smores and campfires
sleeping under the stars
wilderness
food banks
river trips
bunny slippers
water slides
drivers stopping at crosswalks
the first courageous person who decided to give artichokes a try
sloppy joes
sisters
galoshes and rain slickers
old dilapidated barns
meadows
housekeepers
sanctuaries
teachers
oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine & seratonin
trail clearing
wood splitting
deep breaths
teddy bears
mind-blowing bass lines and guitar riffs
anyone learning how to read
polka dots and sparkles
bongo drums and tambourines
not having hair in your toothbrush
sushi
sunshine in the spring
unexpected twists in stories
dancing
popcorn
*real hugs*
trampolines
tidepools and estuaries
symbiosis and synergies
other people's babies
anything bomb-diggedy
caramel apples
didgeridoos
flash mobs
finding the matching tupperware lid
teletubby costumes and sumo suits
sling shots
tiaras
clothes right out of the dryer, clean sheets, stain lifter, and eau de laundromat
farmer's markets
flying kites
sand in your toes
strike anywhere matches
frogs, doggies, turtles, birds, fuzzy caterpillars, etc.
a bunch more cliche and or random, awesome stuff and things...