Wednesday, June 6, 2012

A Morning Anthem


I got an email from Anthem Blue Cross this morning that looked like this:

Your Healthy Solutions Newsletter Has Arrived!


It was the exclamation point at the end, all the cheerfulness inherent in the teardrop and pinprick that got to me, and on a day where I'm hard up to find inspiration for writing (the weather, again? Sophie's seizures, again?, the Transit of Venus, again? the arguments between my sons on whether or not they'd seen the transit because aren't you blinded, Mom, if you look at the sun?), well, caustic words toward Anthem might be just the thing.

I think it would be downright refreshing if Anthem Blue Cross would change their marketing and advertising communication techniques and just be honest. At the very least, I would get a laugh and at the most feel a grudging respect for honesty were that subject line in my email to look like this:

We're Busy, Working Hard to Ensure That We Screw You With Increased Rates!


Or maybe something like this:

Our Intent is Not To Give You As Much Stress As Your Daughter's Seizures, But To Make As Much Money As We Possibly Can!


Or maybe something like this:

If the Supreme Court and Republicans Overturn the Affordable Care Act, We're Ready to Really Fuck You Over, So Be Prepared and Get Healthy!


Or maybe even this:

We Look Forward to Continuing Our Long-Standing Relationship of Coming Between You and Your Doctor On All Matters Related To Your Health!


Reader, if you'd like to join me in this campaign for honesty in advertising and marketing, please feel free to leave a comment. Curse words are welcome. Heck, you can even curse me! And don't forget the exclamation point!








19 comments:

  1. OK, a little off topic but I have to mention this.

    Republicans are mainly Christians, right? Correct me if I am wrong as I am from Canada. And as Christians are they not supposed to care for the sick? So why are they so opposed to funding and Affordable Healthcare Act? Maybe I need to be enlightened as I am missing something. It just seems Republicans would be all over caring for the sick, feeding the hungry, housing the homeless and caring for the most vulnerable in society.

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  2. We Don't Give A Shit About You And This Letter Will Prove It!

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  3. I think you said it all. Honestly and with wide-open eyes. It's amazing how many lies we have to live with, isn't it?

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  4. Can we just vote on our personal favorite?

    "If the Supreme Court and Republicans Overturn the Affordable Care Act, We're Ready to Really Fuck You Over, So Be Prepared and Get Healthy !" gets my vote.

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  5. I have Anthem too, and they are fuckers. Sometimes I even write obscenities on my premium payment checks.

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  6. The Toad: Who are you? I love you.

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  7. I can't come up with anything as good as what you've already written. I might add a few lines on doctors in general, however, after two days trying unsuccessfully to get myself an appointment for a chronic cough ("we have nothing for two months"), to get my 83 yr old mother an appointment earlier than 2 months, after they lost her scheduled appt for next week, and to console my poor friend with MS and high blood pressure, who spent all day trying to get the doctor to refill her blood pressure meds which she called in last week, and which she desperately needs so she doesn't stroke out. ("The nurse was rather busy this morning and didn't have time to address something as insignificant as a stroke-worthy BP.") Heaven help you in Florida if you need to see a doctor when you're sick. Apparently they only take healthy people...

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  8. Let us kick you in the ass just when you're most able to handle it. FUCK ANTHEM! FUCK IT ALL!

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  9. I can't improve on any of those. All I can do is cheer you on.

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  10. I can't improve on any of these - but I seriously think they should change their name. Maybe instead of Anthem they should call themselves Dirge.

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  11. We won't tell you how much anything is going to cost until we are damn well good and ready! By then it will be too late for you to do anything about it or make an informed decision! Just another way we screw you! Oh, and have a nice day.

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  12. Kimmie: That's an outstanding idea!

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  13. Now that was an awesome post. Dang. Tongue in cheek, but real talk. Must it all be so obstructive? So oppressive? I mean, damn.

    That damn exclamation point.

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  14. Ha. I can't improve on any of yours, either. I haven't had health insurance since I was on my parents', so I think Anthem would say to me something along the lines of, "We look forward to the day on which you begin paying us the totality of your pay raise and then some so that we may provide absolutely no service to you at all! Thank you and good night."

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  15. #%£={>*•_|}(&$@.

    That's what I have to say.

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  16. Of course your subject line with stress and seizures in it rings truest for me, but I love them all! (Your subject lines, that is.) xo

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  17. No services...just service fees

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  18. I believe my insurance's corporate policy is "The beatings will continue until your health improves."

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  19. We Care So Much More About Our Extravagant Bonus Structure Than We Care About Your Overall Health!

    (In fact, our mission is to squeeze all of the benefits out of Capitalism as we can)

    Hate, hate, hate the insurance industry and I hope this fall's election makes a difference.

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