We had Santa Ana winds last night, but the roses and lemons remain intact. Maybe they brought in dreams, though, because I had some intense ones. Houses with rooms, men I once loved, Sophie and bodies of water blew through my night, and when I woke at 3:45 or so this morning, the moon was shining through the slats of the blinds, insistent. I went back to sleep and woke to Sophie having another seizure -- she's having a bunch of seizures these days, again -- but I dissociated myself from despair and remembered I have a small vial of cannabis that I haven't dropped onto her tongue yet so maybe I will, maybe the Santa Anas that drive some mad will drive me to that.
Here's a poem. Don't fall into the abyss of conjecture that it speaks to me today because I read it last night.
Tomorrow I will start to be happy.
The morning will light up like a celebratory cigar.
Sunbeams sprawling on the lawn will set
dew sparkling like a cut-glass tumbler of champagne.
Today will end the worst phase of my life.
I will put my shapeless days behind me,
fencing off the past, as a golden rind
of sand parts slipshod sea from solid land.
It is tomorrow I want to look back on, not today.
Tomorrow I start to be happy; today is almost yesterday.
Dennis O'Driscoll
I wouldn't hesitate to give the medical marijuana. And coming from me, that says a lot.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you both.
What a heartbreaking poem!
ReplyDeleteSigh.
Did you hear that Dennis O'Driscoll passed away in December?
And I love the notion of the wind contributing to dreams. We've had a dearth of wind in Seattle this winter, but when it comes, at night often, it sings its own lullaby.
So quietly haunting. That poem. Your inner stream of thought in the windswept night. Sophie on the verge of possible magic. I hope. I pray. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteThat is a powerful, beautiful, phrase "I dissociated myself from despair...". I think you won't mind if I take that for a mantra to focus on for those 2 am hours awake and despairing.
ReplyDeleteWasn't it Joan Didion who wrote about the Santa Ana winds making people do crazy things? I think that's in "Slouching Towards Bethlehem."
ReplyDelete(Not that I am accusing you of plagiarism or anything -- craziness and dreams are two different things!)
DeleteThank you for this poem (and the Wallace Stevens.) And may your darling girl have relief, soon.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful poem. Thank you Elizabeth.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if the full moon has anything to do with increased seizure activity....
ReplyDeleteAnd I love that poem (and not just because I share the author's last name - now I have to go find more of his work).
I can smell the rose and lemon scents carried on those hot winds. That will be my meditation today.
I wish I'd read this a couple days ago. Beautiful, as always. Today will end and tomorrow I shall have champagne.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that poem.
ReplyDelete