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| Coney Island, 1995 |
This is me, about a month away from giving birth to Sophie, nearly eighteen years ago. It was late February, and The Husband and I lived in a tiny apartment on the upper west side of Manhattan. I suddenly and quite emphatically wanted to go to the beach, so we packed a lunch and caught a train out to Coney Island. I felt ridiculously happy. When I look at this photo, I don't see the future other than how important the beach would become in Sophie's life. She, not yet Sophie, and I appear to be casting a long shadow. Is there a metaphor in that? I can look at these photos of me, peer at them intensely and know nothing. All is inscrutable. I think I sort of mourn that young woman standing in the cold sand with a plastic bag, lace-up oxfords and black stirrup pants.
I can understand the sense of mourning you feel as you look into your expectant face. Who knows what the future brings?
ReplyDeleteOld pictures can just break your damn heart. They do mine, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI am glad we don't have true second sight. We couldn't imagine that we will indeed have strength for the journey or moments of unexpected grace.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful. I feel this way all the time. And I wonder what I ever worried about, back then. P.S. I like your hat.
ReplyDeleteThough I haven't faced the challenges you face, I also know this feeling. I feel it especially when I look at pictures of Noah and I on our wedding day. We were so very young and I mourn that girl, as well. I am glad you wrote this, you write so perfectly and it helps me to remember we're not in this alone.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, I also accidentally wore stirrup pants in 1995.
I have a similar photo...it makes me happy to see. My oh my how I had no idea what was to come! I hope you get a photo of you and Sophie casting another long shadow tomorrow at the beach. Happy memories for you on her birthday.
ReplyDeleteAs I look at your photo I think of the lovely Heaney quote you have in the upper right corner.
ReplyDeleteI think you can mourn her .... But I think she would hold you close and say it's all going to be alright
ReplyDeleteOf course you mourn her. Of course you do.
ReplyDeleteGod, these are good comments.
ReplyDeleteP.S. What's in the bag?
I feel absolutely certain that she was already Sophie, you just hadn't met her yet. This is a beautiful and poignant picture. And while you may mourn that innocent young woman, please do not mourn the stirrup pants.
ReplyDeleteI have not forgotten what a Wiseman once said
ReplyDeleteof glorious achievements that still lie ahead.
And here you have it, whether we believe it or not,
a momentous occasion for Sophie et al, a day of birth to choose our lot.
The happiest of days that divines our fates,
when you dine with Angels, you always finish your plate!
Elizabeth et al, many more returns, much light and congratualtions.
I can understand.
ReplyDeleteHope you post today (the 8th), so we can wish Sophie happy birthday.
I can completely understand how you'd feel that way, having been through so many unexpected twists and turns in all the years since. I wonder the same thing when I see photos of my younger self -- what on Earth was there to worry about back then? And yet I remember so much worry! Crazy.
ReplyDeleteSo interesting that you were drawn to the beach. Perhaps the (then) you was giving the (now) you a message?
ReplyDeleteaaaawwwww. I get those feelings too when I look at photos of myself right before Ben was born. I think your pull to the beach is very interesting and profound. It reminds me of when I was pregnant with Ben and I always signed him on cards as "the little man" not knowing he would be born with a form of dwarfism. Perhaps we can know things at an unconscious level that we only realized later on. xo
ReplyDeleteWe can never get that moment back, the moments before we meet our baby and they are all ours with the future completely ours to imagine. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are radiant and expectant and a little uncertain-looking in this photo...an apt description of pregnancy, yes? I love the fact that you were "called" to the beach at that time...Sweet Sophie, making her tastes known!
ReplyDeleteI am instantly struck by how you have the beach all to yourself. Where are the other people on that sunny day?
ReplyDeleteIt is so amazing how little we can prepare for what it will mean to be a mother over time, and how it will change who we think we already are. You are amazing. Happy birth day!