I do a whole lot of talking and a whole lot of writing (just sent another article off to be edited and perhaps published in a literary journal), and an even greater lot of care giving. I have a super sharp, almost painful ability to see both sides of every coin, even when it comes to my own thoughts, I think. But lately I've just wanted to throw it all in, lie down on the bed and surrender. Give in to darkness or even let light swallow me whole. I know what I'm supposed to do and most of the time I do it, but it's really, really hard right now.
Last night, one of my oldest friends sent me this video. And what I wish is this:
I wish that I could be reborn as a surfer.
I wish that I were either completely zen-like or just plain stupid. Maybe they're the same thing. Holy fool?
I wish that I smoked a lot of pot and was relaxed.
I wish that I could wake in the morning and have nothing to do or think about but riding this wave.
Thank you, D.
Elizabeth I'm armed with the same wishes and the same ways as you. Connection is what saves me every time. Music, nature, movies, art, my children, my husband, friends, bloggers, literature. I hear you.
ReplyDeleteBut then the world would be a poorer place without your writing.
ReplyDeletei am thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteCool video. I love the sea, but see very little of it, landlocked here in the midwest.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean! My friend from California visited over the summer and brought these surf movies. I wanted to go inside them too.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I love the sea with all my heart and must live close to it, I am afraid of huge waves. Always have been. But I understand what you are saying and what I think is that you DO ride the wave every day of your life and it's a huge wave, a tsunami of a daily wave. YOU are looking for a smaller wave, a gentler wave, a wave you can ride without fear.
ReplyDeleteI wish that for you, too.
Actually, I would prefer to be reborn as the wave, not the surfers, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, the carefree days of smoking pot and imagining the future (how off-base were we?) Let's try again ...
Thank D for me too, great video.
once again ms moon has just about taken the words out of my mouth; we must be the 100th and 101st monkeys, if you follow me.
ReplyDeletei used to smoke a lot of marijuana. a lot. and i'm still happy happy happy to listen to some good dub. i am seldom more at peace than when i am close to the ocean. but those waves? the big ones? scare the life out of me.
however there is something about the Surrender; the bowing down to something bigger, something more powerful than ourselves that the universe puts before us, demanding our respect and submission.
i think the line between riding that wave and being taken under is as thin as the veil between life and dreams.
peace to you elizabeth. you are in my thoughts.
Thanks for this: I imagine we can all relate!
ReplyDeleteHowever:
I grew up in a beach town in SoCal, and eventually, came to see that there can also be a dark side of the surfer life: aimlessness, depression any time the waves aren't worth riding. Being engaged in the rolling wave of life itself, riding the flow, is the true Zen.
I think many of us share a variation of this dream, which is, exposed at its core, just the desire to have Simplicity of Life be something that is attainable for us, if even for a few moments in a lifetime. Most of us feel we are denied that. At least, most of the parents I now 'hang with' as far as having children with special circumstances.
ReplyDeleteThanks, as usual, for your honesty. I can relate to what you are saying.
ReplyDeleteIt's comforting, at times, to go into those dreamplaces. Why not? We need REST. In daily life, as in spiritual life, we can't stay awake ALL the time - we have to have some rest. Even nature rests (in winter dormancy) - okay, not so much in L.A., but look to the midwest or east or north of you, and you'll see it. Blessings to you as you wish/dream. May you be refreshed by it.
Alright, you can get mad at me but I think this is the time of the year when some of us feel this a bit more acutely than "just" under the skin. The light changes, the trees change, our life and its present environs is the only thing that to our eyes remains static. 17 surgeries and 4 bouts of cancer are enough to make one want to change the script from the beginning, alas my dear...
ReplyDeleteNo surfing for me, I would be a flamenco dancer, all Spanish Manton de Manila flying on the air, filled with duende and red shoes. At my age the best I can do is dream like you for a little vacation from this...whatever it is that my everyday life is framed by.
PS: interesting word verification:
stiofear.
ok - if you haven't been - you must go (to the Wedge). Just take pch all the way down to Balboa Peninsula and Balboa drive all the way to the end (jetty park). Right after a storm.
ReplyDeleteI think you already are a surfer. Husband says that surfing was 90% paddling, 9% waiting and 1% screaming fun.
and a lot surfers do smoke pot ... maybe it helps with the adrenaline overload
It amazes me how much you accomplish in your full, full life. No wonder you feel stretched thin from time to time!
ReplyDeleteyeah, im WITH you on the wishes. though i agree w/ erika about the world suffering at the loss of your writing talents.
ReplyDeleteoh, and because i dont have any way to answer any questions on my blog bc im too cheap to go on wordpress and actually email people back... um, here's the answer to your ? that you probably totally forgot you asked :) -- my daughter CB goes to a school entirely devoted to Autistic Spectrum Kids -- no inclusion, not housed in a regular ed. school. the whole school is self-contained. A few kids get bused out to go somewhere else to be mainstreamed for an hour or 2, but mostly the kids there just arent able to handle it. i LOVE it there though. CB just couldnt make it in inclusion, so this is best for her. :)
wow, i had no idea your sophie was going to be a 9th grader too! isnt it freaky? i know my 14 yr old seems so young... i see a typical 14 yr old and think my dauaghter looks like such a baby next to them :)
I have been having similar feelings. I tried to start drinking more white wine. It works at night, but then end up more depressed. I want to just let go and accept. But it's not my nature. And I suspect not yours. Hang tight if you can't (yet) hang ten.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you're talking about and wish there were something I could do to help. Thinking of you, and good luck with the article!!
ReplyDeleteJust to say, I've thought a lot about your post today. I've been there, and I am not there right now, but I know I will be there again. I was trying to figure out why I go in and out of that place, and I cannot come up with an answer.
ReplyDeleteBut your post made me think a lot about it. Thank you.
wow! i haven't been here in a while, haven't been ANYWHERE in a while, but i've especially missed you!!!!
ReplyDeleteyes. to be a surfer dudette, a goddess of the wave! though in this video, it's look MIGHTY crowded in that water. they look like porpoises.
xx
This morning I read a line in Willa Cather's /O Pioneers!/ that reminded me of this post:
ReplyDelete"Freedom so often means that one isn't needed anywhere."
I've never surfed but feel like a surfer so often as I go through my days - obstacles and hurdles arrive at my doorstep and I visualize them as waves and I am the surfer, just practicing balance, and an openness to landing in the water any moment.
ReplyDelete