This post is about the rapid acceleration of the heart.
This post is about dread and the sickness unto death.
This post is about the butterflies beating their wings against your stomach walls.
This post is about an envelope that comes in the mail from Anthem Blue Cross insurance company.
There was nothing of note in that envelope this time but jibber jabber information about something or other.
My body is an instrument of exquisite sensitivity, meant for better things, I hope.
Something's wrong if a plain white envelope with a logo on it prompts such a visceral reaction, and I don't think the problem is me. I don't know what to do about it other than to practice more yoga, but being mindful of a piece of damn paper with ANTHEM pulsating wildly and mockingly my way is really, really difficult.
Om.
Oh how I hate hate hate the system that has been created to monetize the most vulnerable. We should be doing everything in our power to keep extra fear away from the caretakers who live with a baseline of anxiety we'll never understand. I hope the yoga helps.
ReplyDeleteBecause what the fine print on the envelope should say is, "Inside: all the ways we will f*ck you over. In detail."
ReplyDeleteHow very wrong that this is the way the insurance system works. Wrong, sad, bad, mean.
ReplyDeleteOhhhhh. I know all too well how this feels :(
ReplyDeleteOh yes....the envelopes! For me, thick manila envelopes from the school trigger the same response. AH
ReplyDeleteis the white envelope scarier than that scene from the exorcist where she's in a back bend walking down the stairs *shudder*.... maybe it's a tie?!?!
ReplyDeleteHeartbreaking that anyone or anything can exert that kind of power over you.
ReplyDeleteInsurance is the definition of "a necessary evil".
Breathe.
sucks. i'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am so pleased that there was nothing of consequence inside the envelope. I know we all have triggers like that and as soon as I figure out how to circumvent them, I'll let you know. But don't hold your breath.
ReplyDeleteLast week we got an envelope from Premera Blue Cross informing us that our insurance premium will be increasing 23%. For us and all of Bubba's 32 employees. And we're trying to stimulate small business growth? Huh. I don't get it, especially knowing how many millions of dollars the executives are making, but that is another rant...
I know exactly what you mean here. I do the same with anything coming from a doctor or an official agency.
ReplyDeleteThey should all come, those envelopes, with a small dose of Xanax attached with a piece of tape.
Ms. Moon- Ha! So right about the xanax.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, Oh my holy stars. Your post was like a salt-dipped arrow through a fleshy, nervous target. I know that envelope. Mine proved to be debilitating news. It came certified. Dropped me to my knees in the middle of the post office. I can't begin to imagine what parents go through dealing with that kind of thing. Had it been something pertaining to a loved one of mine, i would've snapped for sure, gone totally flippin postal. Absolutely bonkers.
Foof. My viscera did a swoop out of my body on the rapid wings of my heartbeat reading this. For a minute i was a frozen, empty carapace of fear. Such skillful, stirring delivery. You're a master, Elizabeth.
Bastids!!!!! May they all end up in one of the hospitals of the health industrial complex they have created dependent on their own insurance.
ReplyDeleteLove how you composed this.
ReplyDeleteI have that same fear when I see a bill come through the mail. I'm so sorry that the company that is supposed to aid you (for money!) financially can cause you so much anguish, and fear.
PS so sorry I've been absent here recently, I visited a few times late at night, at times when I couldn't face the aggravation of Captcha word verification - takes me several attempts to get it right!