to J
Listening to an old friend's music, and I'm wearing pale pink and jeans and it's a steady beat and a low, low voice, a growl that makes me shiver, yes, walking on air. The boy is making pasta in the kitchen, yesterday's lassitude is today's dig deep. There is no denying the wild horse in us, said Virginia Woolf. I've been thinking about miracles of late, not the Jesus kind, how small they are and yet, how huge. I've been thinking of paradox and the skill in holding it, the tightrope stretched tight, the give and the balance. It's a miracle! they say, over and over and I want to agree, I nod my head, I say yes. I bristle in the assent. It's been nearly twenty years of work, this miracle. Not a descent from nowhere, somewhere -- bing! or ping! -- it's hard labor, the years of it, what I've done in mind and body. S pointed out that we work our asses off, and I laughed at the spread of mine despite what should be a grotesque muscularity. Paradox, again. Is that a miracle? Thank God! others say, for the miracle! I think, it's a plant! I, and many others, worked our asses off to get it despite it being kept from us by those who keep things down, whose power is such that paradox is impossible, who reel in the tightrope, shield their eyes at the attempt, would never walk on air. I'm drained from the work, from the voices that make miracle suck me dry. Back and forth, back and forth. I'm walking toward the growl that makes me shiver, the air. Hold your breath.
YOU are the miracle. Trust me. I'm shivering too.
ReplyDeletePowerful. You are a real woman.
ReplyDeleteI do hold my breath--every time I read a post of yours. You make me shiver.
ReplyDeletewhat a post...and that movie Man on Wire with that haunting tune by Satie. It clues me in to you interior life. Well done.
ReplyDeletei understand your exhaustion or bristling with the word miracle. there is science behind why the cbd works so there is no 'defies logic' miracle there. so much effort, sacrifice, hunches, creativity, and persistence have made figuring out this treatment possible - largely fueled by the agonized waiting, deepest longings and spoken cries of parents. we are told the grim statistics about the "unlikelihood" of finding something that ever works after a 2 "failed" drugs. but the astounding and astonishing fact is that CBD can bring seizure freedom. and that sophie has relief at long last!
ReplyDeletei use the word miracle for something that inspires profound awe and gratitude. may there be more for her and for you. xo
It is still a miracle when you have worked so hard for it? Does it even matter? Grasp the blessing with hands and heart full. May it last many many decades more.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, after working so hard with it / at it, it's not an "ass", it's an "asset". :)
Stunning piece of writing, Elizabeth. I especially like "yesterday's lassitude is today's dig deep." This minute and this minute and don't look down. I agree with Ms. Moon about the miracle here, you are the faith that holds you up and keeps you moving, you are the determination that keeps that rope taut. Thank you for sharing your life here.
ReplyDeleteMiracles are those things seen by others who didn't have anything to do with the making of them. And while they are no less amazing in their eyes, you have every right to feel the weight of your work and continued faith and tireless efforts. Every right to walk toward the growl and feel it in your bones.
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