Monday, June 26, 2017


Sophie at school
photographer: Page Jackson

Good Lord, I'm feeling blue. And anxious and agitated and lazy and enervated, all at once. It might be because Sophie is truly done with school, and I haven't properly "mourned" that or reckoned with it or processed it* or whatever other 21st century method there might be to deal or not deal with it.


It might be reading about Trump's "victory" at the Supreme Court this morning. The Muslim Ban thing. It might be all the begging we're doing around the Ass Hole Care Act that's wending its way through the Senate. It might be the gross feeling I have, pretty much all the time, when I think of those people who support the Pussy Grabber in Chief, most of them people in my distant past who were as stupid then as immoral now. Some of them are people that I love, and there's the rub.*

It might be the literal caregiving of Sophie who has a bit of a cold and cough, is drooling excessively, not sleeping so well and helping to generate the kind of ambivalence that I hate admitting to -- that I'm not cut out to keep doing this, day in and day out.

It might be that I just finished a novel that I felt compelled to keep reading even as it made me feel like taking a shower every few paragraphs. It's called Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff. I read so much about it, including the tidbit that Obama loved it. I'll say that it's a very good read, but it's leaving an awful taste in my mouth -- much as Gone Girl did and A Little Life. I actually hated both of those, however "well-written."

I need a novel that will cut me to the quick* and not make me feel all slippery, not make me collude with decadence. I'm tired of the overwrought.

I'm only one week out from an amazing vacation, too, and perhaps that's at the root of my blues -- Canadian blue at the end of my fingertips, soon out of reach entirely.

The view from the seaplane we took from Victoria to Seattle

Sundown in Victoria

Wind-blown in Port Angeles

The Bird Photographer doing his thing in a meadow of daisies

What's up in your neck of the woods?*



  1. Pick a reason to feel blue or sad or depressed or anxious. Any reason! There are a million! Or don't pick one because you can't- because it's all just too damn much right now.
    I'm glad you have such a good sweet man by your side, though. Plus- adorable.

  2. So glad you're honoring your gut feelings. The mourning is so awfully real. I wish I could sit with you and cry together.

  3. I'll just say ditto to what Ms. Moon said!!


  4. Sophie is a beautiful young woman. How can the a-holes not look at her snd do what's right. I am open-minded and accepting of many things, but not this. There is so simply a right and a wrong. I won't pretend to imagine how this is for you or what it takes out of you Day to Day. I am happy that you have a vacation to look forward to. I hope it's with your love. He looks so kind. I send you and Sophie all my love

  5. Try "Anything is Possible" by Elizabeth Strout. (Don't be taken in by the title. It is not THINK POSITIVE mishmash. I wouldn't do that to you.)

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. Didn't mama say there'd be days like this? Books, like film, can be well done and still not be appetizing at all. Still, I don't easily give up on either one.

    Coming down from a delightful vacation always leaves me blue. Planning the next one excites me. We're looking at a trip to Morocco of all places. We'll see.

  8. I'm grumpy today. Overtly over small things. Covertly over all the f******* stupidity and meanness in Washington and elsewhere. I hate talking about it.
    Sending love to you.

  9. Hi Elizabeth,

    I know how you feel. The end of school and going into adult services is scary. It's just not the same level of care it seems and that is what makes keeps me awake at night. Will Sophie go to an adult day program? Have you ever heard of Kim Oakley (she had a blog)? She lives in So. Ca. and has been very involved and vocal about adult services. Her adult son Jamie is severely autistic with epilepsy and other medical issues. Hopefully Sophie will be involved in a great program with people who cherish her.

  10. Your trip to the island looked lovely and I'm looking forward to our trip there in August. What's up here? I'm grumpy and forgetful. Have no idea why I'm so grumpy which makes me even grumpier.

    Had Katie home yesterday for a few hours and I realize I can no longer care for her, even if she doesn't beat me up. It requires too much of me. I don't have it anymore. Maybe that's making me sad.

    Or work and working with stupid, lazy, self centred people. Or having people around me dying. Or listening to what shit Trump did today. You pick.


  11. This country, this orange gas, overwhelms the best of us and you are the best of us!

    Sophie's eyes , my gawd! They are so perfect - seem from another time because I do not know what it is to care for the vehicle that drives her eyes around, I have romanticized Sophie.

    We live just a hop across the Salish sea, just below and to the right of Victoria- a day trip, really, but who wants to go for just a day? I understand your thrall with the island, it is beautiful - a slower pace and out of the orange gas that chokes us every f-ing day.

    And the Supreme court??? I hate them now.

  12. "that I'm not cut out to keep doing this, day in and day out"

    Nobody is. And yet it needs doing; part of my own ambivalence (without the influences of vacation – I'm not sure how'd I manage after a week away) is the pull between weariness and gratitude, both imbued with fear.

  13. Ah, Elizabeth, we all sucking on toxic air, it's hard to feel settled. I so understand what you're feeling. And Sophie, now that school is done, you need another kind of help. How to manage it? I hope pray it all cones clear. Glad the bird photographer is in your life though. His eyes are gentle and his photographs are stunning.

  14. The transition of an Adult disabled Child from Services designed for Children to Adult Services is always worrisome and a big leap. May that other kind of Help needed for you and for her be as smooth a transition as possible. I agree it is a lot... too much... and the coming down from the Carefree days of vacation back to full time Caregiving hits full force. Big Virtual Hugs, I'm so Happy you have The Bird Photographer in your Life, it is the Positive side of Love... and Caring for a profoundly Disabled Loved One can be the Painful side. And the Washington shit show, well, it grieves so many of us I don't have sufficient words.

  15. Not fiction but David Sedaris' latest is surprisingly good. I couldn't get through Fates and Furies. Don't remember why other than some vague feeling that they were all too wrapped up in themselves. The world is burning but books about navel gazing go on and on.

  16. Our societies rarely allow us to acknowledge the immense achievements of unique individuals like your Sophie. Most times, we can barely observe, let alone understand who she is. But in your pictures and posts you tell us how stunning and how dedicated she can be and how important she is to you and thus to us and the world.
    I hope you know how important this is.

    If you are stuck for a decent sharp novel that gets to the point and is all about love and life, I can totally recommend Karl Geary's Montpelier Parade (

  17. I read you every day and rarely comment, but I'm here, listening and thinking about you and life and what books to recommend. Have you read A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki? A stunning book. And I agree with Karen (above) about the latest Sedaris. Very engaging. And a few more I've read this year and loved: This Book Will Save Your Life by A.M. Homes. The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker. The Book of Strange New Things by Michael Faber. Let us know what you read next. Sending love. Verna

  18. I really liked "Fates and Furies," but I remember thinking as I was reading, "Good Lord -- I HOPE this isn't how relationships work!!!"

    I can definitely understand how you'd feel enervated (and everything else), being a heroic caregiver in a land of current political dysfunction. Eventually this presidency is going to end. That's what I keep telling myself!

  19. I get feeling all those ways at once. Where are we with YOUR book?



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...