Last night, the wind was whipping around the Los Angeles streets, cold for these parts. We had been at a white elephant party, a silly affair with beloved friends. Sophie has been good. She can't walk too well but she's seizure-free for the last ten days or so and is preternaturally alert. Maybe even more but who's counting? I weaned her a bit more from the benzo, so who knows when the withdrawal seizures will kick in. I have also added CBDA to her regimen of cannabis medicine. Maybe she'll never have another seizure and live happily ever after. The boys helped me to bring her in from the car, and maybe it was a let-down from the party and maybe it was how difficult it is to maneuver her around (I mean really difficult despite her weighing only 72 pounds), but one of them had her and one of them worked on hauling the wheelchair from the back of the car and I fumbled with the white elephants and Sophie's bag and then the alarm and the door, and I heard Oliver say Hey Henry aren't you glad to be back from college? and there was rue in his voice and maybe it was the fuckery of the day, and maybe it was the wind but it gave me a jolt and everything everything that I am and made was wrapped in rue for as long as it took me to disarm the alarm and usher them into the house.
Listen to all, plucking a feather from every passing goose but follow no one absolutely, goes a Chinese proverb.
I imagine that in reality, Henry is glad to be back. I told a friend something yesterday that someone I love had said. Something that hurt me and she said, "Oh, that's just macho talk. Ignore it."
ReplyDeleteI give that to you, as well.
exactly
DeleteOh, that hit me like a jolt. Even if it only lasted for a moment, it would be very difficult to take. You have done a wonderful job, dear Elizabeth, just wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHere's to Sophie's continued seizure free state.
Christmas time i find very hard. I am single and middle aged and this time is so so focussed on family. I find it all a bit cruel to be honest.
ReplyDeleteI would feel the same as you. Harsh bit of Oliver’s reality coming out of his mouth. I bet it is hard on the boys but it’s also something that is so much a part of their lives that I’m willing to bet Henry IS happy to be home and to partake of difficult tasks. I know through your photos that they love Sophie dearly. I can’t help but think that Oliver’s comment showed no respect for your feelings, Sophie’s feelings or what you endure every single day of your life. He’s a teenager and there is that. So many things to consider and while his truth deserves expression, it was a really shitty way to say it. I am sorry that happened. Joanne
ReplyDeleteAnd he will be glad to be back from college when he leaves home. He doesn't know that yet, but he will. And you will be happy to see him. And Sophie will be happy too.
ReplyDeleteYes, they can give out the zingers. Most of mine home for the holidays and we’ve been doing some necessary work here that I know they’d have preferred not to have been on the agenda, but they are willing to help out, glad to be of help, in fact, even as they wish the need not there. I feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteJust because it's true doesn't mean he's not glad to be home. Life is a shit show or one kind or another. Your boys are blessed. They have witnessed your love, your humor and your perseverance all their lives. Your boys are blessed, they just don't know it yet.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas Elizabeth
He just has your gallows sense of humor. We do the same thing around here. (I know you know that.) I also know that the "rue" is real and you expressed it with a shining sort of grace and I thank you for writing the words of my heart, so often.❤️
ReplyDeleteYour writing here, so astonishingly bright, reminds me of that it is possible to hold two opposing truths at once, joy and sorrow, love and rue, happiness to be home and happiness to know that the return to college awaits. That last is true for all college kids, it is the way of life, and in an odd way, I think Oliver was just saying to Henry, hey bro, I am happy to have you home, walking alongside us, this life we share, this love. Even though there is such pain woven through this, it is an achingly beautiful post. Sophie is so beautiful, and so are you boys. Love.
ReplyDelete*and so are you and your boys. I really should proofread. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteLove.
ReplyDeleteRue and Joy often intermingle and sometimes we voice it and that's okay... you have a Beautiful Family and the Love for one another rises above any bitter regrets. Merry Christmas, glad that the Family is able to be together again for the Holidays!
ReplyDeleteOuch re the rue. My children dish up the same from time to time and I try to just let it wash over me, just like you did. It's natural for them to be conflicted. Your boys' immense sensitivity and compassion despite the challenges of having a sister with disabilities, must be reassuring to you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. When did you start giving Sophie CBDA and what effects are you observing? Is it readily available? I'd never heard of it until you mentioned it here.
So, reality is different for everybody and we need to accept that. I lost count of the number of times I felt my family was treating me like shit and how dare they ignore or worse, laugh at me when I am meant to be treated with, well what exactly? Endless respect and always pc and never a word of dismay or even disgust at the way my life interferes with theirs? It doesn't work. We all need to let it rip from time to time.
ReplyDeleteYour boys are heroes no matter what.