I'm not going to fix the "s" thing, so you'll have a little game today, I guess, this lazy Saturday afternoon.
Both boys have gone to the eat coast to spend the week in Hilton Head. I've decided to tay here with ophie and try to feel calmer and more relaxed. Hilton Head is not my happy place, to use a loathsome cliche, but I hall mis my family and the feeling of being together, however fraught with family drama. Perhaps it's a trial run for when Oliver goes to college in late August, and Sophie and I will be fairly alone and defenseless except for the large guard dogs we have and the crowbar I keep beside my bed, ready to swing at the first person who sets off my fancy Nest security system.
Reader, beware.
Today I went to see Dr. Jin, and when she stuck a needle in the flehy part of my arm just below my elbow crease, I felt a surge of -- something -- and then tears or were they water? started leaking out of my eyes and down my face where they pooled, I'm sure, on the white paper I lay on. What i this? I asked Dr. Jin, but she was already down at my feet and remarked, Almost done, it's good to cry. Cry and then relax. he put the tinny Chinese music on, and I cloeed my eyes and drifted, like I always do, to the past and a kind of lucid dreaming where I am at once aware that I'm lying on the table with needles sticking out but drifting through past lives and memories and boys and babies and it's all very zen and soft and humid and sensual without any exertion. Before I left, Dr. Jin reminded me to take the special pills she'd given me last week. I imagine they are some form of Chinese prozac and will help me to regain my former effortless composure and sunniness.
o.
What are you doing this weekend?
Housework. Yard work. Baking. The usual.
ReplyDeleteTrying very hard to feel better and it's working. I haven't had any contact with my son and that helps. It sounds like he may be using crystal meth which upsets me but I'm working on remembering that I have no control over his life. I can't fix him. I can't fix anything. The universe keeps insisting on teaching me over and over again that I have no control. I'm a slow learner.
Have a lovely weekend.
Dr. Jin sounds like a treasure. Cry, my love. Your baby is going off to college. You will mourn. I'm not going to pretend it's anything but grief. The word for what I felt was bereft. I hope it helps you to know that it is normal to feel this way for mothers of such incredible beings as your Oliver. And Henry too, of course, but the baby is the hardest. I'm so proud of your boy, though.
ReplyDeleteAttempting to plan some sort of birthday celebration since two of my girlfriends really want to know what I would like to do. I'm turning sixty and I have no idea but it certainly feels different than fifty...When I left for college, my mother cried and slept in my bed. When the dust cleared, she and stepfather took a trip to Hawaii. Didn't miss me much. Hugs to you and Sophie.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I'll be doing this weekend is thinking of this post and of you and of Sophie. Rosemarie and Dr. Jin are right- go ahead and cry. There is reason to feel grief. But you will feel joy again. That I promise you. And I hope it's soon.
ReplyDeleteI so need a Dr. Jin.
ReplyDeleteA good Cry is indeed cathartic, I'm glad you have your Dr. Jin. I have our Eastern Medical Docs too and it is indeed so Zen compared to Western Medicine isn't it?
ReplyDeleteHiding.
ReplyDeleteLove
Rebecca
I think crying is a necessary part of life. Imagine if we couldn't, there would be so much bottled up inside of us. So I'm glad you released some of it. And your lucid dream sounds pretty wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThe pom pom on the top of Sophie's head is adorable and she looks so sweet sleeping in that chair. But I can't imagine how you got her in there without the thing bouncing back and forth and hitting you in the shins.
I'm sewing pillow covers from a piece of Hiroshige printed fabric that I got at GW. It may make me feel that I have actually accomplished something today.
I love the S thing. That was an interesting little exercise, LOL!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, a cry is often warranted and certainly beneficial. This will be a big change for you. But hopefully lots of positives will develop. Maybe you'll finally finish MGDB? (Or whatever you called it.)