Friday, January 20, 2012

Too Much Information

Virgo the Virgin

I'm generally not a blogger that reveals anything about sex (I'm a virgin), marriage (I've had two) or incontinence. Yesterday, though, in a torrent of words, if not creativity, I revealed that I had wet my pants -- a tiny bit -- two times in one day in the parking lot of the Grove, our large Disneyfied outdoor mall. I want to assure my more decorous readers that I've not jumped a line and will now start writing about my private parts with any regularity. But I wanted to clarify several things.

  • I've had three cesarean sections (immaculate conception, since I'm a virgin, see above), so I can't blame my incontinence on that (in fact, given my virginity, things are -- well -- as tight as a drum)
  • I have a tendency to idiotically not go to the bathroom when I need to go. There's that moment when you absolutely have to go, but if you can steel yourself and hold on (and you're still a virgin), that moment passes. The trouble with this technique is that it doesn't account for one hour of wandering around a large parking lot. The moment passed yesterday, and then it came again -- in other words.
  • Given the above (the three cesareans, the fact that I'm a virgin and things are intact, and that sometimes I idiotically think myself a camel), I'd say that I don't really need the Poise pads. What I might consider, though, is wearing some Maximum Absorbency Garments (MAGS), a la astronaut style.

Consider that the only too much information post you'll get for quite some time. Now I'm back to my regular programming.


  1. I don't know. I think that sometimes too much is just enough.
    I love the fact that you're a virgin. That's interesting because- I am too! And I've had four kids.
    Anyhoo...wait 'til your hormones start to fail you. Then it won't matter what your physical apparatus is like. Peeing in your pants will just be a part of life.
    Or maybe that's just me.
    I love you, Elizabeth.

  2. Turned on .. grossed out ... intrigued ... I'm so confused.

    Don't think I'm a virgin, not sure. We need to get together and discuss ...

  3. Thanks for sharing; made my I'm going back to reading my bible...

  4. I second Ms. Moon. Just wait! I too am a virgin with three kiddies. If I knew how to link, I would take this opportunity to link my "like a Virgin" post from a few years back. But sadly, I haven't figured that out.

  5. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

    I liked your "irregular" programming.

  6. Wow, who would have believed it? You being a virging, of course. :-) By chance there was an article in the paper here in the UK that said David Cameron always made a point of giving a speech with a full bladder. Apparently it works on your nerves better. Whether he's a virgin or not, I've no idea. I guess you'll have to e-mail No 10. :-)

    Greetings from London.

  7. Thanks for clarifying. I was up all night wondering.

  8. I won't speak to the virgin thing, but I do want to say that you're absolutely right about waiting through the having to go, and finding that you hit a plateau where you can hold it for a long, long time. I've amazed a number of friends with this skill.

  9. Writing well means writing about life, warts and all! And you do it so well, with such humor and candor.

  10. have lived with that since I was a giggly girl ... much worse now after 3 kids though ... advice: don't do jumping jacks in an exercise class full of 20 something much younger moms

  11. Looking forward to the post about bowel movements.

  12. OMG the reference to the astronaut (who I have mercifully forgotten about until now) made me pee my pants. know I talk about it all the time anyway... It's true. I suppose it's because I'm not a virgin because in my day no one had a c-section so your innards were just blasted all over the delivery room including the baby and a sphincter or two as was in my case... What up! Wee wee wee a the way home.



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