I was typing at my computer last night and heard deep breathing, in and out, somewhat muffled, labored. I thought it was The Husband, snoring, in the living room and kept typing until a few minutes passed, when I got up from my desk in irritation and stood in the hallway to listen. The sound was coming from Sophie's room so I walked the three steps down the hall, opened her door and saw her lying face-down on her bed, the now-guttural sounds a frightening intake and out. When I flipped her over, her face was red, but she remained asleep, her eyes closed and her breathing quickly returned to normal. Was it a seizure? Had she had a silent seizure that left her face down, and when she began breathing normally again it was with a pillow in her face? Who the hell knows? Who the hell knows?
A very dear friend of mine has a beautiful sister, barely sixty years old, who is in hospice this week. Her family surrounds her with more love than one can imagine, but their mother has already buried two of her four children and my friend will have lost all of her siblings and who the hell knows?
The storm on the east coast whipped several cities and has already caused ten deaths. Living under brilliant blue skies and blinding sun here in Los Angeles feels like living on another planet. People in our country still argue incessantly about climate change and whether it's contributing to the increasing volatility of weather patterns. I'm on the side of trusting the majority of scientists and this who the hell knows would be directed at those who debunk the science. Who the hell knows?
Last night, I sat up in bed, sweating, still stuck in the throes of a nightmare where my wallet was stolen. That was all -- my wallet was stolen -- yet, I was bathed in sweat and terror. Who the hell knows?
I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's clouds' illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.
As I dressed Sophie for school today, the lyrics to Joni Mitchell's song played over and over in my head. Are they the most perfect ones of nearly any song I can think of with a melody that tears one's heart to pieces? Who the hell knows?