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| Oliver, during No Name-Calling Week in 2010 |
I've been mulling over this Ann Coulter fiasco and feeling conflicted, still, on whether or not to keep making a fuss. I understand people's assertions that Ann Coulter is about making a fuss and that our outrage and disdain for her fuels her. I understand, too, and lean probably closer to the assertion that it's terrible to say nothing and that fueling her fire is perhaps the price to pay because silence is far, far worse. One of my favorite bloggers, Stephen Kuusisto of Planet of the Blind writes that Ann Coulter's name-calling has strayed glibly into fascist rhetoric. I'm not going to stop thinking about it or talking about it, either, no matter the initial "power" it lends Coulter.
Last night, after emailing a bit with another mother of a child with special needs, I thought about the publicity in general and how good it is in general. I thought about the huge numbers of people who have come to my blog over the past three days, when I've written about this. I thought about the many people I know that continue to use the word retard in conversation, casually, and while they might remember not to when I'm around, or quickly apologize if it slips out, they're still using it. A woman who performed in Expressing Motherhood, a warm and funny and beautiful person in every way, made a comment that she felt like a retard. I recently went to a lunch with a group of women, most of whom were my close friends, and one of them described herself as a big retard when she ran. Now, I know these people don't think anything of this word and perhaps don't even realize how hurtful -- even devastating -- it can be, to me, to Oliver, to Henry or The Husband. I'm not sure whether they realize that when they describe themselves as stupid or goofy, they're comparing themselves to Sophie. I'm thinking, though, that big splashes like the Ann Coulter one might imprint in otherwise wonderful, loving people and that they might, at last be educated. I'm hoping that they read some of the letters and emails and blog posts and Facebook updates that I've seen these past few days, have written myself, and really work harder on how they communicate.
And if they don't, I'm afraid I have to agree with many others that it's a reflection of their characters, and they are, basically, assholes -- no better than Ann Coulter.
What do you think?
i hate to admit it, but it is a word i used to use without even thinking. without ever intending it to mean, specifically, a person with special needs. years ago, my awareness of the weight, the connotation, began to take shape and i stopped using it. (much in the way i loosely used to say something was 'so gay' when i was young. there was no sexual implication but there was an inherent understanding that something being 'gay' was negative and it took some maturation and awareness to understand the connection and correct myself.) i think that this is where most people fall. granted, some people are just assholes and know the weight and don't care. but i think sometimes it takes throwing the weight out there and having it land heavily at your feet to really understand how gravity works. to really understand how words hold power and that sometimes, unfortunately and contrary to our well meaning hearts, we forget.
ReplyDeletei think your discussing this is a great thing. it is only with acknowledgement that we learn accountability. that we relearn habits that were never meant to harm but do nonetheless. its the only way we change into the people we are supposed to be.
also, i'm not directing this toward ann coulter's statement. i think that woman knows exactly what she is doing with every pecked out letter on her keyboard.
Psychopathy (/saɪˈkɒpəθi/[1][2] is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking guilt, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle ...(Wiki)
ReplyDeleteDescribes Coulter to the "t"
I think Ann Coulter's horrific comment has actually ignited a wonderful conversation and consciousness-raising. The juxtaposition of her limited ability to express herself with the incredibly poignant essay by the young man with Down's Syndrome speaks volumes. I felt that I learned a lot reading that young man's essay. I really had to stop and think why someone with all the advantages of Ann Coulter has such a nasty, cynical, stingy approach to the world while someone with severe limitations has a much more enlightened perspective and ability to give something meaningful to society.
ReplyDeleteI think that I live in Canada, and my Facebook feed lit up yesterday with people condemning Coulter and re-posting blog entries about her comments. The message is getting out there, it is being heard, even in another country. Not the message that she's a turkey, but that it's not ok to use my son or your daughter as an insult.
ReplyDeleteI think to take heart, because people, even ones who don't have a stake in this, aren't being silent.
I am glad you are talking about it. Those who don't know but care enough to be educated, can now be. Those who don't, well eff them and Ann Coulter too.
ReplyDeleteYou said exactly what I feel about all this.
ReplyDeleteWhat do I think? I think I agree with you. I don't think I have ever used that word in referring to anyone with special needs. I certainly hope I haven't. When I was a child, there was a young man in our neighborhood who was quite different from many of us. Although he was probably ten years older, he attached himself to my group of playmates. We all adored him and sought him out if he didn't show up to play. I remember being quite surprised when I found out he was much older but it made no difference. My mother told me years later that she and other mothers in the neighborhood had made sure we included James and never made him feel different. They did it in such a way that we had no knowledge they were doing so. I tried to pass that on to my own children. I still read my hometown paper online. A few year's ago, there was an article on James and his continued influence in the city. He started working as a bagger at a local grocery store. He's no longer a bagger but a "special envoy" in every department and hasn't missed a day of work in thirty years. Two year's ago, while at home, I made a trip to see him at work. James even remembered me and called me by name. I certainly remembered him! And, he's a much, much better person than Ann Coulter could ever hope to be!! Whew! Thanks for the memory.
ReplyDeleteBest,
Bonnie
Hi Elizabeth. I think that I am in love with that picture of Oliver but that it also breaks my heart. I think that thanks to people like you and Oliver and Henry that that word when used in appropriately cuts me down deep and makes me bristle. I think you're awesome and that you're as much a clinical educator as I am. I think I'm glad that I know you because you make me a better doctor and a better person.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I think.
It is through reading your blog that I am led to passionately and repeatedly educate anyone I hear using that word. Sadly I am hearing it more and more here in England, I think because it is used imports from the USA that we see on the big and little screen. I teach 4-11 year olds and it has even crept in there. I stopped that one pretty quickly with a huge education drive. I hope I have inspired them to have the guts to speak out too. Certainly my own children never let the word go unchallenged in their presence.
ReplyDeleteLet's keep talking about it, and while we are at it, let's challenge the Republicans to take back their party. Seriously! They have been worse than hijacked, but the thing is, it is up to them to take it back. Lots of folks "liked" the anti-Ann Coulter post on my FB, but none of them were Republicans (and there are a lot of them in my "friend" feed). Someone in a position of power (like, I don't know, maybe the candidate?) needs to take a big fat stand and say, hey, lady, you don't speak for me. Not now, not ever. That's really the only thing that might shut her down. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteSigh....I tried to follow your advice. I wrote about baseball and sick children and tried to keep this at bay, but this morning in the shower I was formulating my next attack.
ReplyDeleteI think we need to continue to fuss. She is using using our children because they CAN"T make a fuss. But they have mothers and fathers and brother and sisters and aunts and uncles and grandparents who wont' stand for it. Many of those people are Republicans, many are Democrats, many own't vote. We need all of them to get behind this because it's NOT political, it's inhuman.
Perhaps all the parent or family bloggers need to organize and pick a day next week to do a simultaneous attack. It doesn't have to be limited to special needs bloggers - but anyone who cares to join in. Perhaps all together we call for an apology and tell shows that pay her that we will boycott the shows and their sponsors - and we tell the sponsors too. She won't shut up - but like I said yesterday, we just take away her audience and her words will make no sound.
I am in Sally. I am all in.
DeleteI think we all have the poential to be assholes, just like we all have the potential to be angels. And I think the vast majority of us would want to know if our speech is offending someone. I truly believe that. So keep writing I say.
ReplyDeleteLove Maggie's response.
First of all, I admire Krista's comment above -- to admit having used the word and describe the process that comes with realizing why it's offensive. It's interesting how "retard" has made such a comeback. Even as a teenager I knew it was a bad word, but now we hear it so much, mostly for allegedly comic effect.
ReplyDeleteYou know how I feel about Ann Coulter. I think she is in the business of saying whatever will make people stand up, take notice and talk about her. I'm not necessarily saying we have to remain quiet, but we should realize that every time we discuss her we give her power. I don't think she is very relevant to the vast majority of the country, aside from the assholes (your word, but not incorrect!) on the far right who are looking for ways to vent their internalized anger.
Thank you to EVERYONE for all of these amazing, honest and thoughtful comments. Unless I hear something from someone organizing a campaign of protest, or from Ann Coulter herself, I'll probably rest with your wise words. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou are soooo right.
ReplyDeleteive been reading your thoughts on ann coulter and this issue over the last few days and i agree with all you've said. at first, i thought she just slipped up but i then learned that she LIKES using this word, despite the fact that others have drawn her attention to the hurt it causes, and some even hypothesize that she uses it intentionally to rile people up. i just don't understand people like that. why does SHE get to be rich and famous and nice people don't? she may be "smart" apparently, (not that i can tell, bc she's so extremist so i don't listen to her) but to me she's no better than Snooki or Paris Hilton and that ilk... people who don't deserve to have so many people talking about them and all the fame and fortune that come with it. its sad our country values these types of "shock" people.
ReplyDeleteOliver should be king. That's what I think.
ReplyDeleteI understand the notion that responding in anger to Coulter's statements gives her power. What I don't buy in to is the notion that talking about her deplorable behavior is counterproductive. I fully believe in expending energy on the things that will change the world for the better and I think that, if we can manage to elevate the discussion and educate, it is not only productive, but necessary. I fully believe that the "r" word is the same as the "n" word is and am guilty of lecturing people in my own life who use it without thought.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elizabeth, for your reflections and your willingness to hold on to important issues like a dog with a bone!
My adult son and I talked about this, he in favor of ignoring her in the hope she'll go away and I knowing nothing will enlighten or change her but it is our job to speak. Yes, she says outrageous things to get attention but also, I suspect, because they are truly how she feels. To say nothing gives her narcissism less fuel but also becomes de facto acceptance of what she says. Here's to all fuss-raisers. xo
ReplyDeleteI think watching the offensive language we use, whether it's out of habit, frustration, or a cultural "norm" that is "socially acceptable," is one of the many keys to waking up. Choosing our words to express honesty, integrity, and to not harm people is one of the keys to waking up. We all need to wake up. That's honestly what I love most about our friend who is a monk. He is so self aware. I have never heard him say an unkind word to anyone, even when he was being verbally attacked. He is thoughtful, quieter than most. I think this enables him to choose his words carefully.
ReplyDeleteThe word retard means to delay, to slow down. If there is any way to use this word to help people wake up, it might be to suggest that we all slow down our thinking and our speaking before we blurt things out.
That being said, there will always be people who will contemplate how to be very hurtful.
But let's at least try to teach our kids to think before they speak.