Friday, September 29, 2017

"Your 2018 health plan information is coming" and it's MAGA!

So, I got a missive from Anthem Blue Shield last week that I opened with a sinking feeling. Those of you who know that despite living in the land of "the world's greatest healthcare system," having individual insurance is a clusterfuck of gargantuan proportions. This has nothing to do with the Affordable Care Act, other than its concessions to private health insurance companies. That's a whole other post, and you know where I stand, anyway. #singlepayerforall

No communication from Blue Shield is met with anything but dread, despite their polite and even cheerful marketing efforts.

Here's the latest:

First of all, "Here are a few things you can do now to get ready" ?????!!!!!

Here's how I'd rewrite the three suggestions and then add a fourth:

  1. Be on the lookout for two separate mailings: one with your 2018 plan information and one with your 2018 rates. Make sure you review all the information but only after going FIRST to your freezer, pulling out the frozen vodka and taking a couple of shots. This is particularly important for the envelope regarding your new rate. 
  2. Visit our friendly website and take notice of its new look -- all the models are preternaturally beautiful and multi-racial. In fact, they are actual customers of ours, particularly pliant conservative Americans who've bought into the notion that medicine is a business and that we're in the best position to dictate how the whole shebang is run. They're so snowed that we killed them off with their permission and replaced them with look-alike robots. In lieu of increased rates, you'll see that you, too, will be given an option to be killed instead and replaced by a beautiful person in any race you choose. Think about it! After all, the stress of the increased rates might kill you anyway, so why not be preserved in service of other good Americans who "don't want the gov'ment messing with my healthcare!"
  3. Mark your calendar with these important dates! October 2017: Start drinking a lot of frozen vodka. November 2017: Open enrollment begins! Remember the option of being replaced by a smiling cyborg as opposed to having your rate increased! December 2017: Get ready for the coming year's continued clusterfuck at increased prices if you choose to stay with us. January 2018: You're either dead from the stress of your rate increase and the knowledge that you'll be fighting tooth and nail for every single claim or are on your way to eternal life, via Trump's Department of Health and Human Services where you'll spend a little time with those members of congress who continue to seek the repeal and replacement of the ACA. You thought they were real? They're dead, also, and will show you what it takes to become soul-less.
  4. Start stockpiling that rectal valium because you're going to need to have rectal valium parties where you charge the party-goers in order to pay for your health insurance. You'll need it as well if you decide to go the cyborg route because it hurts like hell to become a conservative and start ripping people off, lying and prevaricating about what you're actually doing. But be heartened by the end result: you'll be dead, re-fashioned and making America great again.


  1. I could easily see this in the New Yorker as a Shouts and Murmurs column.

  2. We have California Covered/Anthem Blue I feel your pain. As far as I can tell, they spend most of my money sending out mail saying "that's not covered" in 30 languages. We recently got a not saying they had assigned us a primary care physician IN OAKLAND! (Forty miles to the north, crime ridden area.)

    Jen in San Jose

  3. Such a sad and serious topic but you still managed to make me laugh.

    I am sorry that you have to go through this. None of it is the least bit amusing. If there is indeed and afterlife, I don’t see Jesus being happy with what is happening to healthcare. It should never be for profit. Never. How can someone claim to love God when they can’t love their neighbor?

  4. I dread all changes... they are never a good omen.. and I had to LOL when a pop-up came onto your Blog for a commercial about Medicare Plans I might want to peruse... OMG cyberspace is a hoot on what it all links up to!

  5. "Rectal valium parties" -- HA! The wave of the future?!

    It's got to be agony to deal with all this bureaucracy. Sorry. :(

    Frozen vodka all around!



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