Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Brothers



I don't mean to offend, but in my experience boys are simple. I'm not speaking about intelligence, but I am speaking about complexity. The more boys you put together, the simpler they get. In my experience, it's the opposite with women. Do I make sense? I am a woman, after all.

Ask these brothers the same question, and you'll always get opposite answers. It's a simple prediction, and it doesn't make for complexity.

Simplicity can drive a woman insane.

Good thing they're easy on the eye.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Rain on Dead Grass

As Denise says, "People take lots of photos of the rain in Los Angeles."


I left the sunny, warm Pacific Northwest and arrived home to the rainy, humid shitty. That's a photo of our back yard. We've let the grass die and plan on replacing it with drought-tolerant stuff. I'll make a couple dozen cupcakes for you if you design something for me because my creativity just doesn't extend to landscape design. I'm thinking a fire pit, some seating, maybe a meditation garden/labyrinth and a lap pool. Just kidding on the lap pool. The rain is nice, though, and today when I went to Trader Joe's, that's all anyone was talking about. As they stacked the avocados, two guys talked about the awesome thunder we all heard this morning, and pretty much everyone commented on how exciting it is to see water fall from the sky.

I'm finished unpacking and re-entrying. It's going well. I've only raised my voice once and badgered The Brothers over and over when they flew the small drone I had purchased for them outside before they'd gotten skilled at it, like I told them to, and it got stuck up in a tree. They connected about four long poles, broomsticks, lacrosse sticks and flagpoles together with duct tape, along with a citrus picker and managed to get the drone down, but the protective cage is still up in the sycamore. After raising my voice and badgering them, over and over, they informed me that it'll come down, Mom, in the fall.
My three weeks in the Hedgebrook wilderness have evidently changed me, though, because that response was adequate, I shrugged my shoulders and went back inside to read some more.

You know how when I got there it felt like I was hallucinating? After three weeks of solitude, intense writing, dreaming, walking, conversing with amazing women and having nearly every need met by the staff, I might be permanently stoned.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

After-School Conversations





I caught Sophie lying like this and listening to Eva Cassidy singing Imagine.  Still life with cup and purple ball.

Imagine all the people living life in peace




I caught these guys in their version of conversation, responding to my own shout from the living room. Here's how it went:

ME:

HENRY! What's the deal with you leaving your socks in the living room at night when you take them off? THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE PAIRS LYING ON THE FLOOR AND YOU NEED TO CUT THAT OUT!

HENRY:

Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ok, MOM! 

OLIVER (interrupting):

Yeah, Henry, you're such a pig! You leave your boxers in the bathroom every morning after your shower. I like to pee on them!

SOUNDS OF PROTEST AND MUFFLED SCREAMS

ME:

YOU GUYS! PLEASE! ENOUGH!

OLIVER:

HE'S KILLING ME! HE'S KILLING ME!

HENRY:

You can't just pee on my clothes! You can't even say that you did!

ME:

YOU GUYS! PLEASE! ENOUGH!






Five minutes later.

HENRY AND OLIVER:

See you later, Mom. We're riding our bikes up to the video store.




Thursday, August 14, 2014

Riding in the Car with Boys and Other Stuff



to Elizabeth L.


This morning I had an exhaustive conversation with several LAUSD worker bees because despite it being only the third day of the 2014-2015 school year, and the sixth year that Sophelia Bedelia has attended this school and therefore the sixth year that she has ridden the bus in the afternoons, there are problems. I've told you before that we refer to the Special Education Department of the LAUSD as                                        D O W N T O W N because for as long as I've known it (which is going on seventeen years!), whenever there are problems, anyone who works for the LAUSD blames it on  D O W N T O W N.

Like today. Apparently, DOWNTOWN has eliminated the position of SPED coordinator at our school because -- well -- who knows why? We had a rather nice and efficient coordinator last year, a welcome replacement for the retired Wicked Witch of the West, but I guess it was asking too much to see some continuity. I believe he has been shuffled back to another classroom and a new person is temporarily in the school office, but she obviously had never heard of Sophie nor did she know anything about her IEP, the wheelchair bus request which is in the IEP and the fact that the aide assigned to ride the bus with her was also assigned to ride with another kid who is apparently quite a handful. I'm not going to belabor this clusterf**k and tell you everything that has transpired because it's boring and very first worldish, but I kept Sophie home from school today so that the new bee could figure out the problem, and after the telephone call I felt overwhelmed and crazy again because remember: It's the small stuff that is going to kill me. I calmed myself down by imagining a trip to D O W N T O W N where I imagine I'd find some nasty little man behind a curtain, sort of like Oz.

Anywoo. Let's move on to riding in the car with boys.

Today's conversation and arguments revolved around Burpsnarts. The Brothers were actually arguing over Burpsnarts, which they explained are when you burp, sneeze and fart all at once. I repeat that they were having a conversation and actually arguing about this, and while it didn't come to blows, I fantasized a bit about slowing down and jumping out. Because I am a responsible woman, though, I refrained from it and in my mind thought about dining out with James Joyce and Nora and then getting on a private plane with my friend Elizabeth and moving to Bora Bora.


Friday, August 1, 2014

Riding in Cars with Boys, Part 43



I'm so grateful to have these boys. It's been my experience that boys are -- well -- simple. Today we drove about the neighborhood, doing errands, shooting the shit or breeze or what have you. Hey, Oliver! I said, Who do you want to invite to your poker/blackjack party? Since Oliver got back from camp, he's obsessed with playing blackjack, wants one of those poker sets and in an attempt to keep him happy and engaged with his friends from his old school, I came up with the brilliant idea of a small party. He loves the idea. We can have a bunch of guy food, I added, picturing buffalo wings, chips, something fried. I miss throwing kid parties -- it was something I did with a wild abandon when my three were younger. I'm not kidding. I love a theme, too. What do you think girl food would be, Henry wondered. He might always be thinking of girls. Probably gummy penises, said Oliver, and they both started cracking up while I narrowly avoided swerving into oncoming traffic and screamed.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Brother "Conversation," No. 457***



The Brothers were instructed to make dinner -- cook the chicken for the tacos and dispense the sides -- salsa, grated cheese, shredded lettuce, refried beans. Oliver is a Master Griller (I'm not joking), and Henry - well -- he always looks glamorous. When faced with the plastic top covering the container of salsa, this conversation ensued. Add in irony and humor, because that was the general tone.

Henry: Mom, how do I open the salsa?

Me: Henry, you get a small knife and pierce through that plastic and then peel it off.

Henry: I'm gonna starve in college, right?

Oliver: Henry, you're so bad in the kitchen.

Henry: Oliver, shut up or I'll kill you.





***The word "conversation" in quotes is intentional.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Riding with boys

Seal Beach, 2014


I barrelled down the 405 yesterday, heading south to Seal Beach for a day of lacrosse watching. The sky was so blue and so clear you could see the snow on the tops of distant mountains to the east, and the edge of the Pacific dropping off the globe to the west. I had three boys in my car on a Saturday morning -- Henry and two other players -- but no one was talking. I heard a grunt every now and then, though, and turned up the radio. When the phone rang, we all startled, and when Oliver's clear, still-high voice came over the Bluetooth, we winced at its brightness.

Mom?

Yes?

Where's the lemon costume?

Um. In the costume drawer?

No, it's not there.

In your closet?

No! It's not there! Where is it?

Well, I have no idea where it is, I said. You'll have to do your lemonade stand without it.

Great, he replied, and hung up.

Bruce Springsteen came on the radio for about two seconds before the phone rang again. This time it was The Husband.

Where's the lemon costume?

I have no idea, I said.

The Husband and The Big O are frightfully similar in temperament, and I imagined a flurry of feathers, chest-beating, sticks being thrown, the sky perhaps falling.

What the he ---

The phone went quiet and Bruce came back on. I thought about glue for a bit, how I am The Glue, and then I thought about Bruce Springsteen, his arms, and how he plays his guitar, that thing he does, and then I thought about surfers, how watching them makes me warm.




The night before I barrelled down the 405 and took a walk from the field to the ocean, climbed over a rise of sand into blue and then walked back and watched three hours of lacrosse, I had come home from a delightful dinner with three dear friends, my head buzzing just the tiniest bit from one very dirty martini and a bowl full of pasta, to a boy fight. Is there anything more aggravating or tedious than brothers bickering? Men fighting? I don't want this to be a lament against the male species, so let's make everyone an animal and do some anthropomorphizing. The small and stout chicken is incredibly industrious but also likes to peck. He pecks and he pecks and he pecks. He pecks on the ape and he pecks on the cheetah. The ape can't stand the pecking, would rather sit and chew on a blade of grass for the duration. He reaches his big, meaty paw out and swipes the chicken, and the chicken squawks far louder than is warranted and begins to peck and peck on the cheetah who is indolent for the most part and good-natured but at a certain number of pecks, he reaches his huge, lazy paw up and makes the chicken fly. There's a burst of feathers and chicken tears because the cheetah is so terribly advantaged and just so damn gorgeous but a mystery, a deep, primitive mystery. There's a wild animal keeper who happens to walk in, she radiates light, the animals are afraid of her, and they love her, too, neither animal nor human, perhaps a goddess, or maybe just glue, and she plucks a feather from her hair where it has landed after flying off the chicken who pecked on the ape and then on the cheetah. She twirls that feather in her hand and catches the cheetah's eye before he takes off with a lacrosse stick held high, and the ape? The ape with his heart of darkness chews his grass, unfathomable.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

The Mystery of Boys




The Dyslexic Entrepreneur has been sitting outside in the baking hot sun, selling lemonade and chocolate chip cookies since 10:00 this morning.  He decided against selling cotton candy today, as there were still things to work out. The last time I ventured to the corner to check on things, he had made upwards of $100. I'm not kidding you. While part of the proceeds will go to the Epilepsy Foundation of Greater Los Angeles, Oliver is also intent on saving enough money for an off-road go-kart.

O.K.

Henry, on the other hand, slept until noon, woke and ate pancakes, made a few forays to get himself a couple of lemonades, did some homework, and I just walked into his bedroom where he was swinging a bat, practicing. When I expressed alarm at how close he was swinging to the window behind him, he condescendingly told me that when you swing a bat, Mom, it's not BEHIND you. 

These boys mystify me.


Friday, July 19, 2013

Without the Boys

Yes, my days are indeed ordered by my boys and when they're gone I am confused. Untethered. 






MIRACLE “8 MILE”
Bourbon, Meletti Amaro, orange peel

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Boy Conversation, Number 2,349,671



I picked up The Brothers and My Carpool Kid this afternoon early from school because it's Tuesday, and for some reason that I don't yet understand despite having been a part of the almighty LAUSD in some capacity or another for nearly fifteen years, there's always one day a week in the LAUSD where the kids are dismissed early so that the teachers can work.

Anyhoo.

The Brothers and My Carpool Kid were in a jolly mood, given that it was an early out day and summer is just ahead. They launched into their usual scintillating conversation during which I stay silent, behind sunglasses, and act as cool as a nearing fifty years old, moderately over-weight and slightly bittersweet woman can.

That means I'm silent. Totally silent.

Younger Brother: Did you know that they found a mermaid for real?

Older Brother: Who did?

Younger Brother: THEY did. I don't know who they is, but we heard about it. A real mermaid.

Older Brother: That's stupid.

Carpool Boy: Cool. I guess a fish mated with a human.

Younger Brother: So, a fish and a human humped?

Older Brother: That's impossible. Gross.

Younger Brother: Nope. It can happen. All you need is a hole.

Here's what I looked like:



Cool, right?

Monday, March 25, 2013

On Strike



The pile in the center of the room is clean laundry that I've officially refused to fold. All the rest is dirty. I've decided to go on strike until more gratitude flows my way and flowers are strewn at my feet. I imagine nothing but mushrooms sprouting in their piles.

Monday, October 1, 2012

While I was Acting,



Me, backstage, preparing to "go on."



this piled up:


I can't believe they still expect me to do the laundry.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Two days left of school,

and a bit of fore-shadow for the summer:



I had no part in these shenanigans, except actually giving birth to their creators. The rather large one in the too-small ski jacket and helmet with baseball catcher kneepads was the egg parent, if you remember -- further reason that the French need to do all the teenage parenting.

And there's no point to this post other than to show you a glimpse of what boys do when they're happy and not fighting for real. They asked me to film them tackling each other. Then they climbed on their bikes to have a joust with bats, but I had to go inside for that one as I didn't want to see any heads roll.

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