Monday, November 9, 2015

Speaking of Russians (see yesterday's post)



This morning, Oliver screamed for me to come and look because the workers who have been constructing a McMansion directly behind our home were cutting down the old trees that lined our property. These trees are on their side of the property line, so they are certainly free to do whatever they'd like, but several months ago, when I'd objected to them cutting down those that line OUR property. the developer assured me that he would let me know when any more tree-cutting would happen.

I wrote him an email that expressed my dismay and called him out on his lack of communication and disregard for our community. He replied with his own email, calling me nasty and antagonistic.

Okay.

Like the proverbial fly to shit, I replied and disagreed that I'd been nasty and antagonistic, that I'd only expressed my dismay that he'd neglected to inform me when he was going to cut down the old trees and that I was concerned about the lack of privacy that would result.

The developer -- let's call him Mr. Potter, shall we -- then had a mini-tirade and, in a nutshell, called me a communist seeking to dictate what sort of changes he should make to his property. Because, you know -- communists do love trees.

Buzz, buzz, buzz. 

I told Mr. Potter that if discussion with members of one's community about radical changes to one's neighborhood constituted communism, then I was a proud member. I signed the email:

товарищ Элизабет

I really did.*

Then I said, Mr. Potter, you're nothing but a scurvy little spider. **

Not really.

Then I riffled through my Barbie closet for this little green communist cap with the red star that one of my roomates in college brought back from Communist China for me many years ago. I thought it'd be fun to parade around in my backyard naked with only the cap and perhaps scare the workers from continuing their work on the second story of the McMansion. I'll come up with a system to do the same when the McMansion goes up for sale. Mr. Potter will have to come up with some kind of disclosure to the future owners of the $3 million dollar heap (yes, that's how much these houses cost and are TRIPLE the size of ours) that a Naked Communist Woman lives directly behind them, and she's closer in form to a Russian gulag operator than Madame Butterfly.






That lonely outpost on the Arctic Circle is looking ever more attractive. I hope Slava will welcome my children and goofy dog as well.















* That's Russian for Comrade Elizabeth


** I'm referring to George Bailey calling Mr. Potter that in It's a Wonderful Life



26 comments:

  1. Oy. I'm sad about the loss of the trees. Hopefully, this exchange gave you a little comic relief in your day, though. I can't imagine what goes through an adult's head when they start calling other people names instead of acknowledging that they fucked up, but I think it would be fabulous to know that, whenever they show the house to prospective buyers, you are marching naked in the backyard. Perhaps some loudspeakers blaring communist music would add to the scene?

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    1. That's a fantastic idea. I think I'll start doing it today, loud and over the mariachi music currently blaring from their side.

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  2. too bad the developer isn't going to live there or i'd say you should crowd fund a 25 foot fake christmas tree and put it up, glaring lights and all, and keep it in your back yard all year round.

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    1. That's an awesome idea. I'll put up a giant menorah with neon lights, too, to cover all the religious bases. And maybe a Koran as well. And a Buddha.

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  3. I am sorrowful for the loss of the trees. I am sorrowful for the loss of human caring and politeness.

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    1. Me, too, although I suppose one could construe that me expressing my dismay about the developments going up all over our neighborhood is very "polite."

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  4. I love you so hard. I am bereft for the trees and for you and for Oliver.

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  5. ps. Still, you are funny as fuck.

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  6. Love your reference to Mr. Potter. That asshat was feeling defensive because he knew he didn't follow through on his promise to you. Easier to deflect blame than accept responsibility. I think it's a fine idea to parade in the nude. In fact, you could invite several friends over to join you. Sing May Day songs at the top of your collective lungs.

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    1. Yes! Several of my Facebook friends suggested blasting the old Soviet national song from loudspeakers.

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  7. Replies
    1. Well, the feeling is very much mutual!

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  8. Comrade! Good work, keep up the fight.

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  9. If communists love trees, sign me up:)

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  10. I must also be a communist, loving trees and all. I say go for it. Parade away. Thanks for the laugh this morning.

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  11. How amazing! I was thinking of you, of palm trees and of cutting trees down this very morning! Specifically, I was thinking of how your palm trees lose limbs in storms, as you mentioned a couple of times, while over here, plagued by vicious winter winds, that is prevented by trimming the unhealthy limbs. That money could be spent by the council in trifle things such as toilet paper for our local schools and hospitals, but because it was decided eons ago that exotic palm trees would attract tourists, they were planted, and now they must to be taken care of - because if someone were to be injured by a limb falling from a palm tree, the council would be sued. Whereas because there's no toilet paper (to name one) in our schools and hospitals, we supply our kids and patients with their own paper - to no additional cost to the council. Anyhow. The (local) news today is that the palm trees are sick, and need to be cut down. Several were already, before an uproar. In my case, I'm the communist, because I'm all for the silly and costly palm trees to be cut down, indigenous trees to be planted in their place (like, the pine trees that give us pinenuts to make pesto - are we not in Liguria?), and toilet paper be given to schools and hospitals.
    I know it isn't the same situation at all, but there, this is what I was thinking this morning. I can't believe the tone of the replies you got from the developer. How arrogant.

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  12. Hey, Naked Communist Lady, just loved this post and the clip. Wishing you victory in your fight against those McMansions..
    And rest assured I'll be using "scurvy little spider" often.

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  13. Most excellent. My favorite posts are always rants from the normally sanguine. They're so PACKED with fucking good shit.

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  14. Well, if they woulda left those trees, they wouldn't have to look at the naked Communist woman! Maybe if you do this often enough, they'll plant new ones...

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  15. this would be hysterically funny if it weren't so freaking distressing. ugh. okay, not going to lie, i did laugh.

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  16. So sad about the trees. But. Oh you are my hero!

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  17. It is against the law here to cut down tress without following some sort of protocol but developers just do it anyway and pay the fine because in the end they make money off the space they ripped out the trees.
    As for walking around naked I say go for it! In fact, lay down a mat and do naked yoga!

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  18. Omg. I'm so sorry about the trees and the ruination of your neighborhood by mcmansions. But this post made me laugh.

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