ong

Great Sequoia, Yosemite 2006

The other night, I went to see my yoga teacher. We had a private session, and it wasn't for yoga. She is also a counselor, a deeply spiritual yogi, a Sikh. I sat in a dimly lit room at the studio in the Wellness Center in the evening, and we began the session by reciting the chant that begins all kundalini yoga classes.

ong 
namo
guru dev
namo


Ong is "Infinite Creative energy in manifestation and activity". ("Om" or Aum is God absolute and unmanifested), Namo is "reverent greetings' implying humility, Guru means "teacher or wisdom", Dev means "Divine or of God" and Namo reaffirms humility and reverence. In all it means, "I call upon Divine Wisdom".


I have not been to a counselor or therapist in many years because I find that it becomes another obligation, somewhere to be, someone to pay. And while I've had crisis counseling before that was very helpful, I'm of the mind that my situation is largely what it is. It is what it is.  But I have felt undone of late, as evidenced by a lot of my posts. I'm depleted, burnt out, finding it more and more difficult to spring back in my old resilient way. There are reasons for this, some obvious, the ones that I've chosen to write about on this blog, and then there are others that are private. In any case, I made my way to this session and left, two hours later, clearer and lighter, my head turned a bit closer to the positive. I can't go into everything that we discussed, but it was a spiritual experience in many ways. At times during the session, my teacher's voice would grow very soft and almost become like a man's rumbly growl. Her eyes were, at times, like small slits in her face and while this wasn't frightening at all, it was mesmerizing. Lest you think I was subject to some sort of hypnotism and/or cultish experience, I also laughed and cried at different points. In other words, I was firmly in my body but my mind was peaceful. The suggestions she gave me were framed by words like "mother" and "life or death" and "falling apart" and "family." She admonished me at points that I was strong and needed to be practical about "fixing" things. She said that I did not have the luxury of being negative. We prayed together (and I can't help but point out that this was more than the priest from my church ever did with me!).


I asked, But what to do when your intention is toward the positive and you glance, right over your shoulder, to the right, and see the negative?


I don't remember her exact words but it involved will and a quick denial of that demon.


This sounds a bit like some sort of new agey self-help book, but it absolutely wasn't. I left there feeling younger, even beautiful with a renewed sense of purpose. I realize that the feeling might be temporary, but I have a plan. A plan of gratitude toward my husband, of simple words. I will try my hardest to get to a yoga class at least twice a week. When Sophie is out of school for the month of October (don't remind me!), I will put her in the car and drive to the beach where we will walk and breathe in the good, salty air together. When Sophie has seizures, I will place my hands on her head and look into her eyes. I will pray and I will chant. I will think of Yogi Bhajan's words that thinking negatively is a luxury that I cannot afford. And that will be enough.


Oh, and I need to stop eating sugar. 


Thank you, Tej.


Sat Nam.