Tuesday, September 18, 2018

You can only lose what you cling to

La Jolla, CA 1996

The thought crossed my mind the other day that Sophie's epilepsy is a beast, a monster, and she is not her epilepsy, not a beast or a monster and I'm always fighting it and not her. I cannot can't can not accept it push against and never through it over and over and over year after year after year. This is contrary to Buddhist thought. The harder you push against the more you resist the strength of your hate is the measure of the intractability against which you push resist and hate. I just can't do it.

What do the religious say? Something from Ephesians, I think. Something about now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.  Of course, there's that power which is a Him, capital H, I wager, or God.

We are all asked to do more than we can do.

We are all given way more than we can handle, saith I.


  1. There is no shame in being unable to handle the unhandleable, no.

  2. In the end it's down to your own personal strength/weakness, the rest is crutches. Some of them work well for a while, others fail and after some time, work again, etc.
    But the responsibility for your happiness and your despair is yours alone. Is it more than you can handle? Of course, especially with the obstacles that a self serving unjust society puts in your path.
    But here's the thing, we are all in this together, we are with you.

  3. Life is often unbearable it seems and yet we go on.

    Sending hugs.

  4. All of the ladies here who have commented have said beautiful and profound things which are appropriate for such a beautiful and profound post and I have nothing to add except that the picture of you and Sophie is the most profound and beautiful of all and looking at it, one would never, ever have the slightest inkling of the beast of the epilepsy or the strength which you have fought although the grace is obvious in every detail.

  5. Thus endeth the lesson. I imagine Dr. Christine Blasey Ford agrees with your last two sentences today. Some things are just too much, and yet day after day, you step up, and do battle with the beast, and love the girl.

  6. I struggle with this concept. I can do it until I can’t. How can we not cling to the people we love the most? I get the concept with things but people? If someone we love the most (our children) is terminally ill or dies doesn’t it make us a sociopath to be okay with it? Are we not fuelled by love and connection and holding people close? What other fucking purpose is there on earth? I see parents that really don’t give a shit about their kids and it’s just fucking sad. Are they the ones doing it right? How can we love for all we are worth and yet let go at the same time? I guess I don’t get it at all. All I know is I love my children more than anything. More than the need to let go so I can be at peace with a fucking awful disease.
    I don’t know. If you ever figure this out let me know.

  7. We cannot expect to handle everything Life might throw at us... I'll leave it up to the Divine... I know my own limitations are entirely mortal. You do an admirable job of coping with what no mortal could adequately handle... big hugs.

  8. That notion of what we push against grows is so logical and so insidious. I get it in most cases, and then there are those things that remain and will no matter what I do, and I have to see them, touch them, accommodate for them every single day and it feels somehow powerful and justified to rail against them - because I know succumbing to or accepting them changes them naught. It sucks. And I do believe that being given more than we can handle is by design, so that we remember to reach out to others, because our strength lies in our communion with each other. Please know that when you start to crumble under the weight, there are those who love you and Sophie who can slide in to help bear it for a bit. XOXO



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