|a not so flattering portrait for a not so flattering post|
I have a friend who laughs and mimics me every time I say, You should know this about me. I hate (blank). When he was two years old, my son Oliver used to say I hate everybody just to get a rise out of all of us. Another husband of mine used to tell me the story of his paternal grandmother who admonished him to hate no one but the Devil. I'm hesitant around hyperbole, but I hate placidity. And with all this gratitude stuff going around, I'm going to be contrary -- shake things up a bit. I'd love to hear what you hate, and if it's me, feel free to say so.
So here goes, a list of things I hate:
- BMW drivers (at least in Los Angeles): they are, as a rule, arrogant, particularly adept at weaving in and out of traffic aggressively and obnoxiously, honk early when lights turn green and roar past normal drivers like myself. Reader, if you drive one, you might be the exception to the rule that even my sons, avid lovers of cars, have grudgingly admitted is absolutely correct.
- when my sons take their pants and underpants off together and throw them, attached, in the laundry basket, inside-out
- milkshakes, except coffee
- seeing the words its and it's mixed up, or there and their
- hard-core moralistic evangelicals of any religion
- when Sophie has a seizure in the bathtub, and it takes two people to protect and lift her naked, jerking body out of the tub
- seizures, in general and in particular
- the expression anyhoo
- gross-out movies, like Bridesmaids and There's Something About Mary
- the financial success of movies like the above
- that I keep entering Pioneer Woman's giveaways (recently, a lime-colored Kitchen-Aid mixer) and never winning. I don't mind that I don't win (there are about a million people who don't after all!), but I hate that I keep entering them with hope that I might. It seems pathetic.
- patriotic expressions like "the ultimate sacrifice" and other immoderate comments about warfare and soldiers
- health insurance companies
- slick, renovated kitchens for people who don't cook
- slick, renovated kitchens in general
- the tyranny of exercise
- designer handbags and any clothes with logos, particularly those for children
- the whole frenetic what private school is my kid going to get into? time of year of the luxury classes
- giant cars and the people that think in America, they can drive whatever the hell they want
- the phrase take back America
- Pediatric doctors and nurses who refer to the mother as mom, as in Mom says Little Joey isn't feeling too well today.