Sunday, February 1, 2009

Purple Heather


I'm going to follow a fellow blogger's lead and make a list. That way I'll get a post up and perhaps some clarity to my thoughts. And maybe I'll get some feedback from you. Here goes:

1. Sophie is still not doing well. Day to day is getting really hard. I mean just thinking about the day and being thankful if it's a good day. I know that I should but I'm finding it hard to maintain.

2. I've heard of two very sick little babies, one who is fighting for her life and another who lost hers. And both parents of these two little babies have enormous faith.

3. My son had his first reconciliation yesterday, and I went to confession for the first time in over thirty years. I confessed to feeling despair, which I understand is a grave sin. I know this is supposed to be between you and the priest and I take the risk of offending my devout Catholic readers, but here goes. The priest told me to spend more time with my children as my penance. How weird is that? I don't think I'll be going to confession any time soon again.

4. I'm taking Sophie to The Neurologist this week and we're discussing A New Drug. We haven't tried a new drug in over seven years (mainly because there weren't any to try but also because after the last horrendous trial, I swore that I would only try another drug if Jesus himself offered it to us).

5. Hope springs eternal. Because I actually do hope that the new drug will be the one.

6. I have a 5,000 word entry for a literary contest to finish tonight. It's actually the first three chapters of my book and it needs to be postmarked tomorrow. I'm never this last minute, but I'm going to do it.

7. I played basketball with Henry and Oliver this afternoon, and it was exhilarating. I'm a terrible athlete and hate sports, in general, but I channeled my inner Tar Heel and the boys were impressed.

7. I listened to Van Morrison today and when I closed my eyes and drifted, I remembered some things, a life long ago, my hair falling down my back and dreams, leaves gently turning, a wooden tower and wild mountain thyme. And that was good.

Purple Heather
by Van Morrison (Hard Nose the Highway)

Well the summertime has gone
And the leaves are gently turnin
And my love I wanna take you
To the place heart-a-yearnin
Will you go, lassie go

And we'll all go together
In the wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
Will you go

And I will build my love a tower
At the foot of yonder mountain
And visit by the hour
From a lonely wooden tower
Will you go, lassie go

And we'll all go together
In the wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
Come on

At the foot of yonder mountain
I will visit by the hour
With the lily of the valley
Go, will you go, lassie go

And we'll all go together
In the wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
Will you go, lassie go
Will you go
Will you go, will you go
Will you go, lassie go

(couldn't download the actual song, but go listen to it if you can...)

9 comments:

  1. I don't think despair is a sin - and doing penance as a remedy for despair is ridiculous! That really burns me up! And there you are playing basketball, contemplating the next Dr. appointment, etc...... if your life doesn't revolve around your kids, I don't know whose does. You're like Mother Theresa here - give me a break!!

    O.K. my rant is over ..... many many hugs and much more hope to you ....

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  2. And people are surprised parishes are losing parishioners. That "penance" is offensive on so many levels.

    I am thinking of you this week. A new doctor/drug is a harrowing ordeal no matter how hopeful you are. In fact the hope can make it more excruciating. But you never know...

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  3. I am sorry if my above rant offended any of your readers .....

    I read your blog mostly because I want to leave comments that help you and lift you up - and when you say you are in despair it breaks my heart somehow. I would come right over and try to give you a day off if I weren't 1000 miles away. I guess I would expect a man of God a few blocks away from you to react that way too. I was (am) in shock.

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  4. Kimmie, thank you so much for your kind words and support. And the irony of it all is that I do find humor in almost everything which, in turn, keeps me faithful. I hope that my comments aren't too much of the despairing type -- times are hard for many, and I don't pretend to be the only one. Hopefully, this too shall pass and something good is around the corner or at least I'll have the sense to see it before me...

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  5. I missed that deadline. Submitting your writing about your life is an act of hope. You are balancing out your despair.

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  6. I've heard his song many times on folk programs like the Midnight Special, but never heard Van Morrison's version. I'm glad you had a chance to close your eyes and drift.

    When I was considering becoming Roman Catholic, going to confession was one thing that really scared me. And the priests I would have confessed to were far more sensitive than the one you talked to.

    Tolkien believed despair was a serious sin--I hadn't thought about his Catholic faith as the main reason for his belief. And perhaps it is serious sin. But I think Ex-in-the-City is right. You are not in the kind of despair that the church sees as sin.

    You are still hopeful that this new drug will work. You obviously love Sophie and your sons. And you're reaching out to your friends out here in cyberspace. A truly despairing person has abandoned hope--perhaps that's one reason Dante has the inscription he does over the gates of Hell.

    Kimmie, Moira, and Ex know you far better than this priest. And while I've never met you, I know they're right about you.

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  7. Steve, you must listen to the Van Morrison version of the song. The piano is gorgeous and his voice is haunting. I just love it. Thanks for your words -- and I realize you're right about the despair. I think I've a penchant for drama because despair really is the absence of anything else. And my life is otherwise full. Your wisdom is so strong through cyberspace.

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  8. I don't understand catholicism, but here I am, in a seething den of them 24/7. *haha!* Seriously, lots of catholic history in my town.

    Anyway, to say that 'despair' is a serious sin, I think they're just trying to get across that you shouldn't ever feel so desperate that you do something like, say, try to take your own life.
    Maybe they mean that 'to forget that the Universe loves you and that you have a purpose here' is a serious sin.

    Everyone feels despair. There's the key word: feeling. It's a potent feeling, despair. But we're human, here. We feel things. Even 'emptiness' or 'lack' are articulations of feelings.

    I hope you're feeling better today.

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  9. 1. i love that van song
    2. i'm so so sorry that sophie isn't doing well. i will add my prayers more fervently, even though i'm not a catholic
    3. desperate sadness is a form of prayer; i would think the same could be said of despair
    4. i love a good sigh
    5. i love the picture of the tree growing slantwise in the other post
    6. did you send in the chapters? i hope so. i love your writing.
    7. xxx

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