Sunday, March 28, 2010

Out of Sight

The boys left this morning on a plane to visit my parents on the east coast. It's the first time they've been away from me for over three days or so and their first trip on an airplane as unaccompanied minors. They'll be gone for just over a week. When they boarded the plane, Oliver kept looking back with tears dripping down his cheeks. I cried a bit, too, and stood at the window right by the nose of the plane. I was so close I could see the pilot and I couldn't help but think that my life was really in his hands. I stared at him, willing him to know that, but he kept adjusting his headphones and taking sips of coffee and soon, the plane separated from the airport and rolled backward, out and away.

I stood for a while at the window as it taxied down but then it disappeared and I walked back to my car. The airport was bustling but seemed extra quiet and that's pretty much how I imagine my house will be this week. Sort of like the real life has been sucked out of it.

In all the excitement of getting them ready I've kept pushing out of my mind feelings of anxiety and sadness. The sadness isn't just the obvious mother hen-type separation anxiety. It also has to do with the fact that I, too, could have gone on spring vacation with them but felt constrained by Sophie. It was too short a time to warrant taking her with us as traveling is very difficult, and the expense of another plane ticket and childcare for her as well was just too much. It's difficult to live in the moment at these times, to not think that our lives are just so damn different from most families I know and will be forever. I've comforted myself with the thought that I'll have a very quiet week and respite from the clamor of my sons' constant needs. I plan on getting a little extra help for Sophie and going to movies, yoga, and lunch with friends. I might throw in a happy hour or two, too, and maybe The Husband will be able to break away from The Mistress for dinner. The boys will have an amazing time with their grandparents and will come back to us filled with stories and memories.

There they go. Out of sight but not mind.


  1. oh, i can only imagine how i will feel when that day will arrive. i must admit i am looking forward to it, to let them go a bit, but it will probably also be hard and filled with sentimental thoughts and anxiety.

    and you really must get some extra help and take some time off too, yoga, friends, movies and dinners with the husband sounds wonderful. sometimes time off in our own homes is the best and most relaxing sort of vacation you can get.

  2. or heart, or emotions or...or...

    Take a home vacation for yourself my dear. You are way overdue. And tell the husband that although it may damage his ego, the mistress will survive without him for one night. And he must know I am speaking from experience.

    Still coughing and miserable but since I can't read I am out visiting in bloglandia. Miss you too. Love to Sophie.

  3. Hoping that your week will be peaceful and the boys will have some adventures.

    Nice that you have some extra time to yourself.

  4. such a mix of emotions...
    i'm sorry you couldn't fly off with them too.
    you're amazing in so many ways.
    i hope you do get to recharge a bit this week.
    your plans sound just right.
    smiling your way.

  5. Deep breath reading this. It's a BIG step for all of you, to let them do this on their own. It will probably be a blessing for everyone, but I do hear what you are saying about missing them, missing going with them, missing the life you don't have. I pray that it will be a rich week of goodness on both coasts. (BTW: we flew Delta back from Indy, and they were two excellent flights, with superb crew and equipment. And I'm really picky about flying.) XOXO

  6. it will be good. it wil. for all of you.

    blssings and peace to you, dear elizabeth.


  7. That's tough. I dread that moment, too. It's hard balancing the letting go and the control bit, isn't it? But as long as they know you'll always be there for them, I guess that makes the pain more bearable.

    Greetings from London.

  8. The emotion of separating from one's children can be overwhelming. It was for me. But, in the end, it was good for all of us. I like Allegra's idea of the "home vacation". A spa day? Even if you are your own spa provider? Happy hour with the husband or the ladies--or, better, both (separately, of course). Perhaps Sophie would enjoy the spa day with you. Whatever you do, enjoy!


  9. Beautiful post Elizabeth. It is so frustrating when we have to alter plans around our child with disability. But your sons are going to rock on this trip on their own, and I want you to do every one of those things you listed (e.g. yoga, happy hour, etc. etc.) Please report back!

    Hugs, Louise

  10. Let them go and be with a peaceful heart and they will return to you happy and so glad to be home with new memories in their hearts and tales to tell you.

  11. i cannot tell you how this catches in my heart. this opening and closing...this letting go and welcoming back. this ebb and flow and
    the ultimate passing of time when our sons leave the protection of our shadow to adventure the world.

    right now...
    i am hoping the pang of separation gives way to fulfillment. may you find time in these days and nights for filling yourself up..over and over..

  12. yep- know how you feel....hope the next few days gives you some nice time off and even better, les retrouvailles (when you're reunited again) should be great. yoga sounds for yourself....

  13. As usual, I read, I go off, I contemplate,
    and I return.

    I know in my case, home vacations, or stretches with a few less bodies, is always a revelation of some sort.
    I hope that for you. Change is good.

    I feel for you, in not having the opportunities or the flexibility . I can only relate in my world. Things are easier now, but there was a long stretch where I just couldn't see the end to some of it.

    You share your heart in a way that it gifts, you know that don't you.



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