Friday, January 1, 2010


I have wings of desire.
I didn't make that phrase up, desirous of wings. It's the title of one of my favorite movies by Wim Wenders. I couldn't possibly do it justice by reviewing it or even telling you about it, and I'm sure that there are those who thought it ponderous and pretentious.
It is dark and weird and light all at once. It has angels and circus performers and Columbo.
I'm thinking about it as I watch the old year dissolve and the new year tick in. I left a party in tears, pushing Sophie in a stroller, regretful that I'd come at all. I left my two little boys at the party to be driven home by friends, and when I said good-bye they ran by me shaking noise-makers, dripping lemon squares and shouting.
I have wings of desire.


  1. I'm sorry you left the party in tears. I have done the same before, pushing the wheelchair, the whole bit...

    You are a gift to all of us with your generous sharing and perceptive heart. A wonderful new year to you!

  2. I, too, had a similar experience yesterday at a holiday train exhibit with the boys -- stroller and all. You're not alone in that feeling. Hope the new day brings a renewed outlook. Wishing you and your family a happy new year.

  3. I left work in tears yesterday. I think something's going around:)

    I watched Jane Austen movies last night. I would have loved to have watched a movie with you and Sophie.

    Take care Elizabeth, remember to give yourself kindness and compassion as well.

  4. The last two sentences made me catch my breath.
    Most people don't live with such a mix of emotions and events everyday.
    Wings of desire.
    No wonder.

  5. I'm really sorry. Sometimes it's just so overwhelming and indescribable, isn't it? Hang in there... get the old music out that lifts your heart and don't forget to dance!

  6. oh, elizabeth.

    there are few people able to appreciate the exquisite beauty in 'wings of desire'; the fragile, vulnerable, broken beauty.

    and few people with the strength to navigate those troubled waters in which you often find yourself.

    i believe it is your gift, woven in your deeply soulful dna which allows you to birth poetry, to empathize with the resignation in mary's eyes, and continue to steer sophie's wheelchair to parties, soccer practice, or the beach each day, whether or not you feel you have the courage.

    may your wings help you travel a clear and steady path to your desire in 2010.


  7. This movie has many memories for me, very much another lifetime....Now I frequently find myself as the angel; watching, listening to others but never really being there, I guess you too?

    Hope the New Year starts a little better, best wishes.

  8. Oh my darling, dear Elizabeth. I too was quietly letting the tears flow last night in the bathroom by myself. The rest of the world is celebrating and here I am, I thought.

    By accident - there are no accidents I know - picking up a piece of mail that was somehow lost between The New Yorker and a Journal of Gastronomy where it states clearly that we will have to start from ground zero with the chemo because this phase just didn't do what was expected. Of course I must take responsibility for stopping it in the middle but that is another tune to dance to.

    It was a little bit over midnight so it must have been the new year.
    But, after that shock I realized I am still alive and there is always hope, waiting in "Berlin". So let's go there together. After all the whole wonderful film was inspired by the poetry of one of our favorites. Smile, it makes for better wrinkles, I should know.

    I am holding your hand, please keep on holding mine.

  9. Elizabeth I am sorry you had that New Years was hard too, Dakota left the house in an angry fit and we didn't know where he was for an hour, Mr. Curry brought him home in the car. Mr. Curry was in a sad mood and fell asleep at 1130 and i brought in the NY alone on the couch, laughing at a movie and then crying. You are alone- as we all are- but not alone, because you have found like minded and like hearted spirits here and we are with you in heart.

  10. I send you warm hugs.

    I always find parties and family gatherings stressful because they're not a good environment for Ben.

    I hope today is better and I wish you a very Happy New Year. I think you're wonderful!

  11. ****sigh**** Wish I could say something inspiring. Love ya.

  12. I'm so sorry that your evening of celebration ended in tears. I wish I could comfort your heart.

    This year, we missed a New Year's Eve (& New Year's Day) party because I had the flu. David went without us last night, as your boys stayed without you and Sophie. I wish it could have been otherwise.
    God bless you and give you peace, strength, solace and comfort. Sending love and prayers for a happy, healthy New Year for all! Please give Sophie a New Year's kiss from me.

  13. I read this early this morning, feeling sorry for myself after a few hours in the ER with a daughter and her bad bronchitis.

    I didn't know what to say... and now read that others have written with such compassion.

    Then you've since posted a picture of your adorable son with all his loot...

    you are awesome.
    and I'm going to check out that movie.

  14. One of my all time favorite movies as well. It's how I discovered Nick Cave.

    I spent New Years Eve feeling exhausted by 2009, longing to run away, and dreading 2010. My wings of desire felt worn and heavy and although I didn't cry, I would have loved to. No time. I had a child who needed me more than usual that day.

    Perhaps we are all angels. Watching, listening, and waiting. Floating along on wings of desire.

  15. These aren't just words Elizabeth, they are daggers.

    I love you.

    Renee xoxo

  16. beautiful... and so lonely.
    despite this, i hope you have a happy new year and im glad to be back catching up on your blog that ive missed SOOOO much!!! you are the poetry of a soul :)

  17. wings of desire.
    also my favorite film.
    i will think of you, as i think of many..
    in a moment of pain, loss, suffering,
    with a perfect holy wing draped in comfort
    our each and every cell.



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