Pick Your Poison

This might be a record for my not blogging -- more than a week since I've bloviated about the various goings-on in my life and not for lack of them. Perhaps I don't feel like talking anymore about how Sophie has been struggling, how the CBD and the benzo and the sleep aid don't seem to be doing the trick, how I don't know really know what the trick is, anyway, but what I do know is that how many seizures is a relative thing, the counting of them, that is. A relative thing. Not something related to something else but rather relative in comparison. I scroll through my social media and between the kids dying (yes, dying) and the regular shit that is Terrible America, Sophie's three to five seizures (big ones) a day (yes, everyday) don't seem too bad. They're everyday or every day. If someone (Sophie) has anywhere from three to five seizures (big ones) a day, is anything working at all? Anyway? I have a friend who keeps meticulous counts of her son's seizures and is able to track, exactly, what affects them. He had seven in February, she might note, and after we increased his CBDa, only three in March. She agonizes over three, I think three! (Imagine three!) And I continue to draw up the syringes of benzo, syringes of CBD oil and CBDa oil (plunged into her mouth) capsules of sleep aid that I toss in there (her mouth) and the cup, quick, to her lips.

Swallow. 

So. The Nice Neurologist suggested we try either Depakote or Lamictal. They're very good drugs, he said. Has she been on them? He asked. I said, Oh, yes. She's been on both. The Depakote in 1995, when she was six months old, diagnosed for three months, drug number three. And it didn't work, so we took it right off and tried the infantile ketogenic diet next (plucked smack dab out of People Magazine, check it out), and then phenobarbitol and then vigabatrin, and should I go on? The Nice Neurologist said, Oh, and Lamictal? I said, Yes. Lamictal for about seven years. And it never worked.

Reader, I know you wonder why? and your why is why would you give a drug to your daughter for seven years if it didn't work? And I honestly don't have a sensible reason to give you, other than The Neurologist At The Time not having any other options and perhaps Laziness and perhaps because of The Difficulty of Weaning or perhaps The Odd Chance (A Neurologist would have suggested this one) that the drug (Lamictal) was keeping her to only two hundred seizures a day instead of five hundred seizures because -- it's coming -- it's relative.

Let's make a long story short. Let's make a deal. I picked Depakote. The reasoning: it's been nearly 25 years (!). We gave it to Sophie last Wednesday night and again on Thursday morning, Thursday night and Friday morning. She slept all day on Thursday, woke briefly for breakfast on Friday morning and slept all day Friday. She could not be roused for the entire day on Friday and had an alarming amount of congestion above her chest and below her mouth (in her throat) which was probably increased secretions. She could not be roused. The Nice Neurologist relayed through his nurse that we should stop the Depakote and talk tomorrow (Saturday), so while I generally worry about Sophie dying at least once a day, I worried all day, every moment, actually, even though relatively speaking, I am not scared of death.

Sophie had no seizures during this period, but, to be fair, she was practically comatose. Being seizure-free, I have found, involves a trade-off, and this is where the relative part comes in.

I and the Nice Neurologist had several short (not sweet) conversations over the next two days regarding what to do. What to do about Sophie? I think she'll need a smaller dose, he suggested, and I pointed out that the pills he'd prescribed have no score so they can't be cut in half. The liquid form! he said, and I'll call it in! I was walking down the street with Sophie in her wheelchair. She woke from her comatose state on Sunday, bright-eyed but batty, agitated, the drug clearing her system. I imagined a brain cleared of chaos and cobwebs but unsure how to proceed without either. I'm excited! The Nice Neurologist said. I said, Excited? and he said, It doesn't take much to excite me! and I thought, excitement is relative.

I picked a poison. Now let's see what happens.

Tuesday Evening Tiny Little Mother Mind™ Peach Pie and Miscellany

In case you're wondering, Sophie continues to enjoy her new community-based adult day program. Today, she and a group of other clients went to the California Science Center. They rode the train downtown, and evidently Sophie loved the ocean room. Of course.

I took this picture this morning. I love Sophie's hands. They are so delicate and fine. I wish that she could use them more.

This sign made me smile and roll my eyes. It's hard to believe what's happened in the last five years in the cannabis medicine world. That being said, I heard about a neurological/pharmaceutical conference recently where the Powers That Be spent a good amount of time denigrating the CBD oils that we've been using for so long. The usual Two-Faced Neuro was there, sort of my nemesis if I really gave a shit anymore, which I don't. He was doing his thing, and this tiny little mother mind™ was doing hers.

Surprise, surprise. I hate to be cynical, but these guy and lady docs are about as cliche as the older man who has an affair with a younger woman.

Recently, a newspaper article touting the benefits of Epidiolex, the new CBD-only single-molecule pharmaceutical approved for Lennox-Gastaut and Dravet Syndrome, quoted a physician who said something to the effect of the "artisan oils" being used were "impossible to test." I don't mince words. What a load of crap. If crap could be, it'd also be transparent -- so clear that Big Pharma and the stooges in the medical world are busy, busy, busy undermining everything that's been done. Telling lies. Propaganda.

Don't get me started.

I made a peach pie today. It's one of the monthly offerings in my gig as baker for Everyone Needs Cake,™ in this case, pie. I took the skins of the peaches, Reader, and honestly? It was like slipping off a silk nightgown.

I tossed them in sugar and whiskey and let them sit for a bit.

I cooked the juices that collected after they sat for a while, added some cornstarch and cooked that up. Then I rolled out the pie dough that I'd made earlier and dumped the peaches in. I made a lattice with the other disc of pie dough and then I froze the whole thing for a couple of hours.

Here's the finished product -- perhaps a tad too brown in places, but my God! Those naked, cooked peaches sure smell good!

Bring it On

Happy New Year, stalwart Readers!

It's as good a day as any to post a couple photos of Sophie, the source, the inspiration, for so much of my years, my art, my life.

I hesitate -- as always -- to jinx it, for isn't it the height of egotism to imagine that we have any hand beyond the obvious in the course of events even as we emphatically insist that we do?

Sophie is well. She hasn't had any seizures to speak of since we got back from the hospital. She's incredibly alert and responsive, although she still can't walk well and has lost a lot of her motor (both fine and gross) planning abilities. There's no miracle here, I don't imagine, or even conspiracies of the gods. There is the reduction of Onfi that I began again the day after we got back from the hospital, and a resolve on my part that is quite literally pulled up out of the deepest and darkest recesses of my being where fear masks mystery. There is the addition of CBDA that Dr. Bonni suggested* when I appealed to her to help, again. And again she helped and I leapt into the unknown and it seems that Sophie is responding to the cannabinoid.

What is CBDA? Cannabidiolic acid is a chemical compound found in the resin glands, or trichomes, of raw cannabis plants. "Raw" means unheated and untreated. It is fresh flower and leaves taken directly from the plant. It's the precursor to CBD. Sophie takes it in tincture form, a tiny, tiny amount, along with the CBD and ACDC that is part of her daily cannabis medicine regime.

This is what Dr. Bonni told me:

There are only a few studies of CBDA and of course none in humans (seriously, this has got to change), but it appears to be a "key" for the 5-HT1A receptor, one of our serotonin receptors. Studies show potent anti-inflammatory effects by blocking COX-2 enzyme that produces inflammatory compounds and anti-nausea/vomiting effects through 5-HT1A receptor. CBDA also blocked a certain breast cancer cell from migrating by blocking chemical signals sent by the cancer cells. Interestingly, the 5-HT1A receptor when stimulated can affect the vagus nerve. Maybe it is working for seizures as a natural vagal stimulator? Based on what we know 5-HT1A receptors do, CBDA as an activator of this receptor, should be anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, reduce fatigue, decrease appetite, decrease blood pressure and more -- maybe we all need to juice this plant with our kale!

I don't know about ya'll, but I'm going to consume less in 2018 and create more. I hope to be more patient with darkness, to not despair and be more grateful for light, not take it for granted because both are ephemeral.

Bring on 2018, Readers!

Happy New Year!












* If you haven't yet, order Dr. Bonni Goldstein's book Cannabis Revealed. It's an excellent resource for all things related to cannabis medicine. Disclosure: I get a small percentage of the proceeds as I helped Dr. Bonni with the stories of her patients.

March Madness

The Department of Motor Vehicles, Los Angeles. CA 2017

My understanding of what's going on in this country is shrinking, and I find myself opening up articles, reading a few sentences and then sighing in exasperation or grimacing in disgust or taking in breaths to allay anxiety or rolling my eyes heaven-ward in bewilderment.

Are we supposed to understand what's going on?

I hate to say it, but I rely almost exclusively now on acronyms to express myself in this area. WTF?

I remember this quote by the great 18th century satirist, Jonathan Swift:

It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.

and

I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed. 

We're all Gullivers here, methinks.

Sophie went back to school today for the first time in weeks, other than the day I brought her in for her birthday. I don't feel like going over what's been going on because, frankly, I'm so tired of the whole shebang, and I imagine you are, too. Suffice it to say that she's trending better even as we slowly wean her from the hideous benzodiazepine and supplement more aggressively with THC. I'm trending better right along with her because you know where she stops, I begin or where I stop, she begins and it's a fine, fine line. I also got acupuncture from our beloved Dr. Jin.

Yes. THC, baby. The psychoactive stuff that I myself have not partaken of since the halcyon days of college at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. If I'd had any idea that I'd be administering a pale green gold oily version of it to my seizing and drug-addled daughter thirty-plus years later, I would have smoked more and studied less. Hell, I would have joined in with something more than tolerance when my boyfriend and his housemates watched the Tar Heels play basketball with the sound turned down and the bootleg Grateful Dead tapes turned up.

Anywho.

If you hear Old Racist Alabama Elf-Man Sessions or Old Up Big Pharma's Ass Georgia Cracker Price make any cracks about medical marijuana being a joke, tell them I'm going to beat the crap out of them in my mind. My tiny little mother mind™ knows few boundaries, is exasperated, disgusted, anxious and bewildered and would love a good red neck upon which to project its conflicts. Just a little March Madness.

Speaking of conflicts and the Tar Heels, did ya'll watch that game yesterday? It was a nail-biter that I watched with my sons and Sophie. March Madness for sure. This is a picture of when we had fallen behind Arizona after an early 17-point lead. I have quite effectively brainwashed my sons to be ardent Carolina basketball fans, and they were nervous wrecks.

Here's a video of the action when things got really tense at the end, right before I began to fold the boys' clean socks into balls, a task that I turned over to them when they were about five and seven years old. So many boring white socks I thought I'd go mad, wrote Virginia Woolf. I thought I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack watching the last few minutes of the game and even folded The Brother's laundry and smoked a few cigarettes in between bong hits.*

Between the not smoking too much THC in college, giving Sophie enough THC to help her brain today and parenting my boys to cheer ardently for a team that I love despite not knowing a damn thing about the sport -- well -- I'm going to humble brag here about my parenting skills. I am bewildered, to say the least.















* Just kidding. Virginia Woolf did not write that.

WOKE AF and What the Neurologist Says

Today was our quarterly visit with The Neurologist.  This is generally something I prepare for by downing three Bloody Marys and a chaser of frozen vodka (see the other 4,321,896 posts I've written on the subject. They generally begin with a photo of the waiting room wall with the CONQUER and TRIUMPH sign over the list of wealthy donors), but I'm not going to complain today because -- you know -- I'm grateful.

We've got health insurance (for now) and The Neurologist is very helpful as far as getting those pesky pre-authorizations that Anthem demands every month for the drug that Sophie has been on for EIGHT YEARS. When the Fresh-faced Pharmacist of the Month rings me up at the CVS, he inevitably asks me do you realize how expensive this medication is? And I say I do but tell me again how much it costs. And the young man says, Today it's $435. And I say that should be covered by insurance. And he says, Well, it needs a pre-authorization. And I say, Again?We've been getting this medication for eight years! And he says, It's a controlled substance, ma'am. And I say, Yes, I know that but I'm trying to grift the system here and keep the drug wars going by having benzo parties with all my friends. And he says, May I see your ID? Reader, I'll leave it up to you to discern which of those were alternative facts and which were the real thing, but I have digressed from my point that The Neurologist always helps me with The System and for that I am exceedingly grateful.

I'm also not going to complain about today's visit with The Neurologist because Sophie has been seizure free for more than three weeks. Yes. We have found the sweet spot, I guess, at least for now. I figure I can cover any jinxes by readily acknowledging that we might have a downturn at any moment. Downturns and rebounds are equal opportunity dictators.

I posted this picture of Sophie on Facebook this afternoon, and my feed literally exploded. Everyone is, of course, thrilled that Sophie is doing so well and many asked why? Here's why, I think, at least for now: Sophie was overmedicated on Onfi (the benzo that needs the pre-authorization) and the CBD. We know that CBD can jack up levels of Onfi, so when Dr. Bonni (Sophie's cannabis doctor who recently published a great book all about cannabis medicine that you can order on Amazon) suggested we decrease either the Onfi or the CBD to see if she responded, I naturally chose to decrease the Onfi. Faithful readers might remember that we jacked up the Onfi back in the fall when we spent six hideous days in the hospital ripping off the Vimpat, and I guess after a month or so her levels of Onfi were enough to put her in what I thought was an overall DECLINE. I was scared, ya'll and also resigned to -- well -- you know.

To make a long story short, I took away some Onfi and do you know that Sophie perked up? She more than perked up, actually. She is WOKE. She is rowdy. She is ready to fight with the rest of us against those who would stand in our way (we're talking about you Drumpf, and you Sessions and you Price and you DeVos and all of you who condone and support them and their retro policies that will hurt her and tens of thousands like her). She is not having seizures. She takes Onfi twice a day, CBD twice a day and THC once a day.

I'm here to blow your mind

Speaking of being WOKE, what did The Neurologist say? She was thrilled that Sophie is doing well and took care of my pre-authorization needs, but she also had a few choice words to say about the current clusterf**k that is our country. She was walking out the door, scribbling on a pad, but she said, I will NOT be here if the ACA is repealed and we go back to the Dark Ages before it when I had patients begging me not to write diagnoses in their charts. I think she kept muttering that all the way down the hall before she disappeared around the corner.



WOKE AF
#resist

Spinning

At the osteopath's office

The biggest spider that I have perhaps ever seen spun an enormous web that spanned about a quarter of the width of my backyard, and every morning I stood on the stoop outside my bedroom and looked at it, glinting in the sun. She sat in the middle of the web, waiting, I guess, for any errant creature to be ensnared. When I walked up to her, she sat there still, still waiting, and when I lay my finger on one of the anchor threads, she skittered up the vast and intricate highway and onto a cable that stretches the length of the backyard. This morning I stood on the stoop to see her, but she was gone and the web only a tattered thing, threads hanging.




This morning I struggled with Sophie or, rather, struggled with my despair as Sophie struggled with her seizures. It's been twenty-one years since it all started and nearly three weeks since Sophie's last hospitalization, and while her seizures are fewer and consigned to the early hours of the morning from, let's say, 4:00 am until 7:00 am when they come, one after the other, in her sleep, her days are spent very drowsy -- let's say totally drugged -- and she's unable to go to school. She is weak. She is on one drug -- a pretty massive dose, compared to where she was -- and CBD. I don't have any answers to the questions, so stop asking why? what do you think? what do They say? I don't know. I think nothing. They have no fucking idea.

I'm a giant spider, sitting in the middle of an intricate web that I've built over two decades. I'm waiting for an answer.

Here's what They did:

Sophie isn't having a lot of seizures, except for those few in the early hours of the morning (that reduce me to a raving lunatic, especially when I find her soaked in her bed and must strip it and her, even as she seizes) because she is drugged with Onfi, a powerful and dreadful benzodiazepine. She was, basically, ripped off of Vimpat, an anticonvulsant that she'd been on for over eight years (a small amount in the end, but a small amount of an AED is still an amount that the brain is accustomed to accommodating), but only after being infused with a giant dose of Vimpat (despite my misgivings about it causing hives) that was followed by giant hives covering her entire torso. Later, in consultation with a dermatologist, the three neurologists attending decided that the Vimpat and the hives were coincidental but, curiously, on the discharge papers the drug was listed under ALLERGIES.  She was hooked up to an EEG for over six days, had copious blood work, lung x-rays and urinalysis, was declared normal on entry and three days after had a urinary tract infection that called for an antibiotic (the only time she has been on an antibiotic in the last fifteen years was last spring when she had her wisdom teeth out). One neurologist suggested the drug FYCOMPA as an option to replace the Vimpat, but I pointed out that it was known to cause homicidal ideation, and The Neurologist agreed that he'd seen pretty serious behavioral issues with it. I'm not going to make any jokes here, so just go back and read those italicized words, Reader, and come to your own conclusions. I'd love it, too, if you read this post from over a year ago.

Remember that I don't have any answers. I'm a spider who's been spinning a web for years and I'm now waiting. The other option via the Great Minds of Neurology was, of course, to ramp up the Onfi and work with CBD (remember that CBD and Onfi together show promise in seizure control), so just like some game contestant, I picked that door and took Sophie home, drugged out of her mind on a nasty benzo and an antibiotic. We had absolutely no resolution to the problems that brought us to the hospital in the first place, although I guess there's some comfort in knowing that Sophie is now officially off Vimpat. They (the Powers That Be/Neurologists) have no idea about the CBD and how and if it'll work. If you remember, THE PARTY LINE is not to pay any attention to CBD other than to give a few winks as a sign of tolerance, at least until the big pharmaceutical trials do their slow slog of research. This is because the federal government still has marijuana listed as a Schedule 1 substance, along with heroin and cocaine, and has determined that it has no medicinal value and therefore no public entity can study it. Sophie had nearly two and a half years with dramatic success on CBD, and at no time during that period did any neurologist express any interest -- real scientific interest -- in that success. So we're sent home, basically, on our own, to figure things out. 

Fortunately, I have Dr. Bonni Goldstein to help me figure things out. We're trying a new strain of CBD, along with THC, this week, and I'm hoping that I can reduce the Onfi at least enough that Sophie can live. Yes, I said live, because what she's doing now is not fully living. She is drugged. I took her to the osteopath this morning, and she lay on the table under Dr. Johnson's gentle hands and actually opened her eyes and smiled at the doctor. It was the first time she'd smiled in weeks, and I know she felt some kind of release. I was sitting on the edge of the table, my hand over her legs, and I couldn't stop crying, so Dr. Johnson stood up and brought me a tissue, told me that it was all right to cry. All will be well, she told Sophie, all will be well.







This is as long of a post as that spider and her web were big. I was going to spin into commentary on Drumpf and the article I read here about his nephew who had infantile spasms, the same diagnosis as Sophie's back on that dark day in June of 1995. I was going to rail about health insurance, how premiums are going up not entirely because of the Affordable Care Act (as the conservatives say) but because our for-profit health insurance industry is utterly dysfunctional. This is my web, my rant and yes, it all goes together. Watching Sophie seize, Drumpf's nephew's infantile spasms, the removal of his healthcare coverage, the expendability of the disabled in our culture, my own fatigue and burn-out despite a wealth of support, pharmaceuticals, party lines, obtuse neurologists stuck in boxes, friends and family who just don't get it, Sophie's seizures, and I'm skittering away, my web tattered.

Here's what we need:

1. The federal government needs to deschedule marijuana
2. Pump money into researching its use as medicine
3. Keep Big Pharma out of it by fostering equal partnerships between patients, farmers, interested parties and researchers
4. Expand the Affordable Care Act into universal health coverage
5. Vote for Hillary Clinton for President and hold her accountable
6. Kick Donald Trump and every single racist, misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic person who votes for and supports him out of the country and into exile on Guantanamo or one of those for-profit prisons filled with generations of black men who were thrown into them for possession of marijuana during the fake Drug Wars.

What We Do - A CBD Update and Some Truth-Telling

Fortune-teller, 1870s

You haven't heard much from me about CBD or anything, really, that's cannabis-related. Part of the reason for that is that Sophie is stable, doing quite well with a mixture of THC and CBD. I follow the news about the industry only rarely because it kind of, sort of, grosses me out. The grossing out is because most coverage is about money these days -- how people are making it hand over fist, how the industry is about to explode. I do worry every now and then that Big Pharma will eventually get their hands on literally everything related to cannabis and make it difficult for those who want and need to make their own whole plant medicine. I've stopped "caring" about the obduracy of the medical world and the labyrinthine clinical trials. It bugs me that you can convince people that it's wise to legalize marijuana because there's money to be made. I'm deeply disturbed by how messed up it is that many generations of young black men have been incarcerated for possession of marijuana and have no place in the new marijuana economy that is making untold numbers of white people very, very rich. I don't even need to type it all out. I'm repulsed by the notion of Marijuana Capitalism, but what can you do? It's the way of the world.

I'm a bit of a rebel but under no illusion that my tiny little voice is anything but inexhaustible.

I'm not a cynic, either -- at least not all the time.

What I can do is continue to answer the emails and telephone calls and texts that I get several times a week from people needing advice or encouragement or referrals. That's what I do. Not long ago, a woman contacted me about her son, a young adult who was having terrible seizures that were wreaking havoc with his life and his future. She had read my blog, felt a kindred spirit and needed encouragement. I emailed with her and spoke on the phone. I told her our story and encouraged her to contact my friend Christy Shake who makes THCa at home for her son Calvin. I told her she had nothing to lose and should blow off her doctor's caution. Today, I got an email from this woman that says it all:

Hi Ladies:

I wanted to let you know that your help has yielded great results. THC-A, made using Christy’s recipe, has kept my son seizure free for 5 days. And it’s given us a reprieve as he considers Onfi.

Thank you both for being truth tellers. 

There are so very few in the world. 

That made me so happy -- relieved, really -- that I can give back in some way.

Here's a cool interview that Jeneva Burroughs Stone did with me for Caregifted.org:

FAQS On Medical Marijuana

Cannabis Oil Questions Answered, No. 8

The early days, Sophie aged 5

Do you ever use straight THC as a rescue medication? Do you worry about her getting high?

Yes, I do. And no, I don't. In fact, just this morning I woke to the awful sound of Sophie seizing in her bed. The awful sound includes grunts and thrashing limbs, sometimes a scream. I dashed from my room to hers and was assailed, immediately, by the smell of seizure. A certain type of tonic-clonic seizure induces not just a pungent body odor but nearly slick-with-sweat palms and feet. I don't know what this is other than a response from the autonomic system, but it makes my heart sink because it often stays for days. I actually hate this state more than anything, other than the seizure itself. I have no idea why my reaction to it is so visceral, but I imagine it has to do with powerlessness. Sophie has been doing quite well with the new strain of cannabis. She's going many days and sometimes even more than a week with no big seizures. I also give her THC at night, but only a tiny amount. I'll leave a discussion of that for another post, but suffice it to say that THC is very necessary for most kids with seizures and is the reason why CBD-only laws are often counter-productive. Whole plant medicine, ya'll.

I've gotten off track, as usual.

The answer to the question is, again, YES. I give Sophie extra THC, straight, as a rescue medication and it works. This morning, after that first seizure she had another, and after that, when she was still in a post-ictal state which means there was a bit of jerking and weird posturing, I drew up a small amount of THC oil into a syringe, shot it into the side of her mouth and massaged her cheek. She had already stopped seizing, so I wasn't giving it to her in a status state, but do you know that the clamminess and body odor -- the things that would ordinarily persist for days after such a big seizure -- disappeared? Her palms were dry, no body odor and everything hunky-dory. No more seizures, either.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

As for worrying about her getting high, cue the Mrs. Braddock laugh.



















*My cousin Maria sent me the photo above along with the ones below. There's something so sweet and nostalgic about them. I hardly remember those days, but then -- I do.

Henry, 22 months old

Me and Henry, aged 22 months and my father's foot

The Other Mess

a recent "trying to figure things out" text

Thought: I have to admit that I greatly resent my skill at drawing up Sophie's medicine into a syringe. Do you know that we have never, ever forgotten a dose in all the 21 years she's been taking this mess?




Thought: I also have to admit that I hate the fact that Sophie can swallow any size pill you toss into her mouth without gagging, choking, biting down on it or spitting it out. I hate that she is A Really Good Pill Taker.




Thought: I hate that David Bowie, Alan Rickman and Glen Frey all had to die.






Over the weekend, I had a dark hour before dawn that followed a day fraught with some anxiety about things unbloggable and things of Sophie World, so being the kooky cat I am, I decided to ask the I Ching a question and get some guidance, in lieu of lying in bed in a cold sweat of fear and trembling. Actually, I'm so not kooky in consulting the oracle, as it's guided me through countless conundrums over the past thirty years, and I've learned a lot about myself, my proclivities, my weaknesses and strengths as well as those of other humanoids. So.

In general, I asked the oracle what I should do about a certain situation and how I should proceed. The certain situation is very complex and life-altering/changing. It's all closing in and coming to a head or a point or whatever other cliche you can call life/changing events. I feel overwhelmed with everything, basically, despite many, many good things happening.

I got Hexagram 18 as my answer.  For those of you new to the I Ching, it's an ancient Chinese oracle with 64 possible results/outcomes. It operates under the principle of what Jung calls synchronicity. I studied Chinese in college, and while I remember exactly nothing of the language (except to say hello and thank you), I did keep my Wilhelm/Baynes copy with the forward by C.J. Jung and highly recommend it. I also use R.L. Wing's The I Ching Workbook to help clarify the hexagram. If you're going to do any work with the Book of Changes, you will want that workbook.  I realize it's sort of weird to type out what the I Ching said to me, but it's an exercise, and it'll help me to continue my pondering and mulling.

This is what Hexagram 18 says:

Repair
(decay)

The object of your inquiry is in a state of disrepair. This may be an inherited difficulty or it may have come about because you have been unaware of a need to constantly monitor, analyze, and attend to the details of the situation. You cannot ignore, or discount as unimportant, even the smallest detail of any situation over which you wish to maintain control. All things have built-in weak points, places that decay and eventually collapse. This is especially true in human affairs.

Stop now and think about it. Your problems may seem to be overwhelming; things may appear to be out of hand. Yet the hexagram REPAIR bodes great success. Through work you have the opportunity to totally eliminate the past indifference that has created the present uncomfortable situation. Work hard. You can see the problems clearly. The time is excellent for making amends. Do not be afraid to take assertive action. Outside forces do not influence the situation. Your own past attitude has allowed the damage to occur, making you uniquely equipped to REPAIR it.

Before taking action, it is important to consider the winding path that has led to this state of decay. Only through intelligent deliberation can you be certain that the action you take is correct. Think it over carefully. The original Chinese text recommends three days of consideration before making a move, but you will know when to act by the nature of what you propose to do. The correct actions now are constructive rather than combative and lay the foundation for continued growth toward the good. This is not a time for radical or reactionary reforms. Look, instead, for an avenue of constructive action, an area of positive growth. Be energetic once you've found your path of action. Don't be lulled into inertia by the magnitude of the task. The situation will develop new energy and inspiration once the problems are removed. Also remember that you must keep things in line once the change has been made. Don't slip back into an attitude of complacency. Your problems could easily recur.

This hexagram in its static form points to the necessity of a change in attitude about your environment as a whole. Too many elements of your life have reached a state of neglect, disrepair and inertia. You cannot hope to guide your destiny with any effectiveness when you do not have authority or control over everyday situations. Hope lies in an unrelentingly energetic and conscientious attitude.



Are you actually still here? Wow. I can't tell you how relieved and nearly thrilled I feel with this answer. There've been plenty of times when the hexagram I "get" is not so thrilling or plunges me into worry or makes me wish that I hadn't done the consulting. If you have doubts about this whole shebang, you should try it. It'll surprise you.

The Subversion of Quackery

WPA poster, 1936-1938

quacksalver

PRONUNCIATION:

(KWAK-sal-vuhr) 

MEANING:

noun: A quack: one pretending to have skills or knowledge, especially in medicine.

ETYMOLOGY:

From obsolete Dutch (now kwakzalver), from quack (boast) + salve (ointment). Earliest documented use: 1579.

I woke up this morning next to Sophie who proceeded to have a relatively big seizure that I was able to stop by administering a couple of drops of THC. I have no doubt that if I hadn't given her the THC, the seizure would have been prolonged, and she would have been clammy and unresponsive for a couple of hours afterward. Instead, she fell asleep for an hour or so, woke up, ate breakfast and went to school.

I lay in bed after the seizure thinking back over the years of her seizures and the years of various doctors' prescribing her anti-convulsants. I thought about the combinations of these drugs -- 22 of them -- their effects on her brain and body systems, how none of them worked, how her seizures still came and how they, the drugs, wreaked more damage, arguably, than the seizures themselves. I thought about the moment when she was nine months old, writhing and screaming uncontrollably all day and night, when I asked the esteemed neurologist whether my baby might be reacting to the combination of the three drugs he had her on, one non-FDA-approved and the other two approved for use in adults. I thought about his response, a hmmmmm over the telephone that stretched into infinity, followed by that's an interesting idea and then the universe tilting on its axis, folding up and disappearing into a black hole from where it had been birthed. I knew in that moment that no one knew what was up with my baby, and if my suggestion was a good idea (I was 31 years old with a Bachelor of Arts in English and French Literature and a Pastry School certificate), we were traversing a no-man's land.

I thought about the moments when we injected her with five vaccines to protect her health and yours, her tiny mouth an O, the subsequent scream that stretched out for years, my own a mirror image. I thought about the derision, the mockery that those of us who question vaccine safety have been subject and then the smugness of Science.

Quack.

I thought about all those moments this morning as I lay beside Sophie, and then I thought about the thousands of families still subject to the multiple drug combinations that these doctors are still peddling, how a young woman contacted me last week to tell me that her 18-month old baby, on four drugs, was still seizing. I thought about the compulsory and draconian laws that were recently passed in California regarding vaccinations and how grateful I am not to have any babies subject to them. I thought about the CBD and the THC and the fight to get it and then the getting it and Sophie's immediate response. I thought about my great good fortune in meeting Ray at Realm of Caring and Dr. Bonni Goldstein and living in California where we have access to high quality cannabis. I thought about the Coloradans: the Stanley brothers, Paige Figi and Heather Barnes Jackson, all of them instrumental in shifting Sophie's path and countless others. I thought about the FACT that Sophie is now off nearly 80% of one drug and 65% of the other, that these two drugs have done irreparable harm to her, even as they are withdrawn. I thought about the cavalier attitude that most neurologists have toward cannabis, their caution and their ignorance. I thought about Obama's acting Drug Enforcement Administration Chief's statements on November 12:

"What really bothers me is the notion that marijuana is also medicinal -- because it's not," Rosenberg told reporters last week. "We can have an intellectually honest debate about whether we should legalize something that is bad and dangerous, but don't call it medicine -- that is a joke.""There are pieces of marijuana -- extracts or constituents or component parts -- that have great promise," he continued. "But if you talk about smoking the leaf of marijuana, which is what people are talking about when they talk about medicinal marijuana, it has never been shown to be safe or effective as medicine."  

I thought about the wheels of Big Pharma, churning, trying to catch up. I thought about their influence on Science's practitioners, how they pay them to promote and advertise their products, ensure their profits. I thought about the money they must set aside for those damaged by their products, how they are shielded and how little it matters to their bottom line. I thought about quackery and the subversion of quackery -- when what is considered Science is actually not Science at all.

Quack. Quack.

I thought about those who come here and tell me that I'm too angry, that I complain too much, am terrifying, a miserable person. Is there a word for a reverse black hole? For chaos pushing outward, inward? If I were an angry person, I would have long since disappeared. You don't watch your daughter seize for nineteen years and suffer from terrible side effects of drugs and vaccinations that you gave her in good faith and then see her improve dramatically with an oil from a plant that anyone can grow and stay angry. You'd be dead, and I'm very much alive.

Repeat. I woke up this morning next to Sophie who proceeded to have a relatively big seizure that I was able to stop by administering a couple of drops of THC. I have no doubt that if I hadn't given her the THC, the seizure would have been prolonged, and she would have been clammy and unresponsive for a couple of hours afterward. Instead, she fell asleep for an hour or so, woke up, ate breakfast and went to school.

Quack. Quack. Quack.

Cannabis Oil Questions Answered, #7

When you give Sophie THC, do you worry that she is getting high?

No.

* That was the short answer. Here's the long answer. We are currently supplementing Sophie's cannabis oil with four or five drops of THC a couple of times a day. The THC seems to help with the Onfi withdrawal symptoms, particularly the tremoring that she was doing, over and over, and seemingly all day long. The tremors looked like seizures, even, as they were jerks -- hard ones -- in her arm and leg. When she sat on the floor, cross-legged, she'd bang her knee over and over on the floor. If you walked with her, she'd jerk her arm, over and over. They were not seizures, we found, through that godawful EEG. She doesn't do it anymore, as long as we give her those few drops of THC. As for getting high, if she feels a bit high, I really don't give a flying foo-foo. Somehow, we are supposed to accept the fact that every single one of the drugs that are given to our children from birth onward have hideous side effects, or are being used "off-label," or have an "unknown mechanism of action," yet are discouraged from trying a medicine that has thousands of years of history of use, reams of studies already done, no reported deaths and arguable long-term impact on the brain. 

I know, I know, I know. I've talked about this until I'm blue in the face.

An older man in the parking lot of Trader Joe's noticed the End Epilepsy bumper sticker on my car. He asked me what it was all about. I told him that my daughter has epilepsy and that I used to be on the board of the Epilepsy Foundation of Greater Los Angeles and that I supported its efforts to end epilepsy. I also told him that my efforts now were more for anyone or anything that supports the medicinal use of marijuana. He told me that he has an adult son who had terrible seizures throughout his childhood and how he wished they could have used it. He asked me whether Sophie was using CBD or THC or both. I said, both. Then we laughed at people's concern over whether an epileptic might get high with CBD and a few drops of THC. I wish! I said. In fact, I told him, I support the legalization of marijuana both recreationally and medicinally, and I'm tired of making the distinction.

Other Cannabis Oil Questions Answered

# One
# Two
# Three
# Four

# Five

# Six

Bird Bath

La Brea Tar Pits

She's much better yesterday and today -- we've added a little THC to her regimen to help with withdrawals.  Four drops a couple of times a day -- we'll see if it helps.

What's going on in the CBD and medical marijuana world continues to be very frustrating. I'm trying not to be cynical about it all, but we might be just like Carl Sagan's "pale, blue dot." Look it up if you haven't seen and heard that.

Wild world.

My friend Terri sent me this video yesterday, and I just love everything about it -- especially those sexy tattooed arms.

Fight the Power*

That's Sophie, and when her mind is clear and the seizures at bay, she can stare right into your soul. New readers should know that despite 22 medications and treatments, Sophie found no relief from tens of thousands of seizures over the first nineteen years of her life. When she began using Charlotte's Web in late 2013, her seizures lessened dramatically and that gaze became ever more penetrating and knowing. We're one of those families you've been hearing about, a family decimated by two decades of uncontrolled seizures, vicious side effects from powerful FDA and non-FDA approved antiepileptic drugs and then a radical reduction when cannbis oil is introduced.

Sophie is not alone. There are thousands of children like her, but they do not have access to CBD.

As her voice, I'm going to talk a little here about what's going on in Washington regarding CBD and hemp. There is a meeting on Wednesday, June 24th to determine the fate of CBD. This is the meeting of Senate members called the Caucus on International Narcotics Control. The Senate Caucus on International Narcotics Control was created to monitor and encourage against drug abuse and narcotics trafficking and to monitor and promote international compliance with narcotics control treaties. 

As you can imagine, that's one scary and powerful group of senators.

How would something so benign as CBD end up in their caucus? Here's a metaphor: We're all in a giant swimming pool, swimming in our carefully marked lanes. The Stanley Brothers are just one swimmer in that pool, along with countless other people growing and making hemp products. There's lots of room. Pharmaceutical companies, namely GW Pharmaceuticals, a British behemoth, has a lane, too. They've working on Epidiolex. That's fine. They should have a lane. The really extraordinary swimmers, the lane where all the action is, though, is not this giant pharmaceutical company. The lane that literally came out of nowhere is our lane, and it's made up of hundreds of families whose lives have been changed by CBD -- whether it's Charlotte's Web or any number of strains of high CBD/low THC products. Keep that image in your head.

Here are some facts:

1. CBD and Hemp should be regulated as dietary supplements due to the very low toxicity (LD:50 (lethal dose rating) of 1:40,000 compared to aspirin at 1:20). These products already fill our store shelves in all 50 states with known amounts of THC (less than 0.3%) and unknown quantities of CBD. 
2. There has already been research to establish that 1500 mg of CBD daily was well tolerated in humans.
3. 17 states have passed cannabis legislation since February 2014. That's 16 months. All but three of those are high CBD/low THC legislation. This is an example of the extreme need of this underserved population.

Who do you think is the strongest opponent of this process?

The strongest opponent of this process has been pharmaceutical companies, namely GW Pharmaceutical Company who stands to lose a large part of the market if CBD becomes a dietary supplement. In some states like Alabama and Florida, GW Pharmaceuticals is actually using state funds to pay for their expensive trials.

You do not need legislation to do a clinical trial. This could very well be a serious misappropriation of state and health department funds. Do you want your state paying the tab for a gazillion dollar company?

Here are some more facts:

1. GW Pharmaceuticals partnered with Bayer HealthCare, a subsidiary of Bayer AG. Bayer was on the original ALEC committee that introduced the original medical marijuana legislation back in the mid-noughties.
2. ALEC is the American Legislative Exchange Council, and is just one of the ways that Big Pharma lobbyists write and influence laws in their favor. 

Hmmmmmmm. 

Apparently, GW Pharmaceuticals is fine with cannabis legislation and efforts that would help them to line their pockets, but it's a stretch of the old imagination to imagine them wanting families to get access now to keep their loved one alive, especially if it cuts into their lane. 

We're talking about room for everyone, here, a lane for all swimmers. GW Pharmaceuticals wants the whole damn pool.

At risk of sounding like a conspiracy theorist, let me tell you something.

1. Parents' stories are being discredited. Just think of the disparaging remarks about placebo effects that Dr. Amy Brooks Kayal made on the Dateline special. We are, evidently, a bunch of crazy parents who can't properly count seizures and evidently have voodoo powers to regulate EEGS (that's sarcastic, of course).
2. Doctors who are supportive of CBD are discredited and frowned upon. There's a party line that is being pushed.
3. They're using propaganda to destroy the quality of the product, throwing around the term "artisanal" with the implication that we need the pharma model (despite the fact that we've been safely using cannabis for 1000s of years without that broken model)
4. They're attacking the safety of the product and of the compound in general.
5. In pushing for more research, they used unknowing and inexperienced families with promises of enrolling their children in the trials to push their agenda.
6. In pushing for more research, they're pushing the dosage of the product so high in trials that it creates negative events (so far, diarrhea). It seems to me that they need to prove that this can't exist as a dietary supplement.

Expect them to run their public relations and marketing campaigns (the pharmaceutical advertising budget is in the tens of billions) next on the basis of how wonderful their companies are, and insurance companies will follow suit, covering this "orphan drug" that will reap them untold profits.

In the proverbial nutshell, it looks like Big Pharma wants the whole shebang. It wants CBD to be a pharmaceutical. It's some scary shit.

As people who have been hurt again and again by a broken pharmaceutical system, we will not allow this to happen. You can't allow this to happen. If you think you don't care about CBD, that it's a limited component and that CBD legislation is destructive, think again. I hate to say it, but mark my words: these people will come after THC next. Can these powers be more powerful than the people? They are proving to be so.

We are Sophie's and countless other kids' voices, and we're swimming in a very big pool. We might very well get kicked out this week. Please help us fight for access. This is not about THC. That's another very worthy fight. This is about access to cannabis. It's about fighting the power. It's about doing the right thing. It's about being able to look back into your child's eyes and have them look right into your own soul.

Coalition for Access Now



*This post was co-authored by Heather Jackson, Executive Director, Realm of Caring Foundation

One Telephone Call: A Plea for Help

So, I had the great pleasure last night of texting and private-messaging with my friend Paige Figi, the mother of Charlotte (Charlotte's Web fame) and agreed to help push on Senator Diane Feinstein to co-sponsor Senate Bill 1333, The Therapeutic Hemp Medical Access Act.

I am crazy, I know, to do anything else, but honestly how hard could it be, especially when I have all of you out there to help me. 

Here's what I want you to do.

1. Call Senator Feinstein's D.C. office when you have a moment today and ask her to co-sponsor the Therapeutic Hemp Medical Access Act or S. 1333. 
2. Here's the phone number: (202) 224-3841 Tell the person who answers that this bill will provide access to thousands of families who cannot get this life-saving treatment for their children. The bill will deschedule cannabis-rich products/hemp from Schedule 1. It's a tiny step forward and a HUGE one for our community. Senator Feinstein WANTS TO HEAR FROM HER CONSTITUENTS, SO PLEASE CALIFORNIANS, STEP UP!
3. Don't forget to ask Senator Feinstein to CO-SPONSOR S.1333.

If you need more information or would like to help get co-sponsors in your state, here's the website for Coalition for Access Now. 

Cannabis Connection

Portrait of a neurologist using electro-stimulation
1862

I've got two things to say.

1.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Physicians who are obstructing their patients' desires to try medical marijuana for their children with refractory epilepsy are legion, and their intentions and actions are unethical. I'd go so far as to say that in some instances, they are killing children. Not a week goes by that someone doesn't contact me with their own story of stymied efforts to help their child or with a direct appeal for advice or help. I've stopped saying bullshit like, I'm not a doctor, but. I generally tell our story and then encourage the person to figure out a way to try CBD in whatever way possible. I don't say or do anything illegal or unethical, but I don't mince words. I direct them to those who are in a position to educate. I am empathetic, always, because my road has been twenty years long, and I know from where they're coming.

2.

The Internets are strange and wondrous and miraculous. I don't care what dire thing you imagine social media is doing to the universe. For those of us who have more important things to do than discuss what celebrities are wearing or whether or not Common Core testing is bullshit or how much praise is too much for your children, the internet, namely social media, connects us profoundly to one another and can even save lives.

Here's how it went a few weeks ago for me and a woman named Sally (her name has been changed for privacy reasons):

Eight years ago, Stephanie told me about Vicki.
Vicki told me about Jeneva.
Jeneva told me about Heather.
Heather told Sally about me.
Heather told me about Sally.
Sally contacted me.

Heather gave me your contact information because we are really struggling with our daughter's seizures right now. She is 16 and previously had been seizure free for 2 years!! Now we have been in status Epilepticus twice in a week that requires massive drugs to stop. It's a matter of time before she is intubated and takes her at least 4 days to recover from. I have heard so much about CBD oil and need to try this. Not sure what resistance I will encounter with her neurologist but want to arm myself with information. I was not even sure I could get it in xxxxx. I am very excited about this option and would appreciate ANY information you could offer.Thank you

I spoke with Sally:

I am sorry to hear about your daughter's struggles, and while my daughter does not have the type seizures that cause status, she has had uncontrolled ones since she was three months old (she's 20 now!). Sophie is currently on Vimpat, Onfi and CBD. We've been able to wean her from 1/2 of the Onfi, very very slowly and hope to get her off of it completely this year. Then we'll tackle the Vimpat. She has had a reduction in seizures of about 90% and has had some seizure free days and weeks for the first time in her life. I know that xxxx's rules are very different than ours and that you need a prescription for cannabis. I think, too, that the ratio of CBD to THC is higher as well, but I'm not certain. I suggest that you look into the Realm of Caring website, join it or register there as well as the Facebook pages. I have seen many comments and threads there from xxxx's, so you'd probably find some resources to help you. I can also put you in touch on FB with a woman who is treating her 37 year old daughter with Dravet Syndrome with CBD -- she lives in xx. You might also contact the woman on this blog (she remains anonymous). She is the mother of a teenaged girl with seizures who is using CBD as well. I'd add that when I read her blog and how the CBD is dispensed, amounts, dosages and ratios, I question it, but again, the rules/laws are different in xx. Finally, I have another blogger friend who lives in xx that is using CBD, I think, for her daughter (aged 23 or so) who has both seizures and autism.

Sally then wrote this:

Thank you! M is on Vimpat, lacosemide, clobazem(onfi), and now adding phenobarbital that she had an allergic reaction to 15 years ago. They hope she's outgrown it???!!! So many drugs, each one has its own side effects. Our neurologist today told me he will not support CBD oil because he has no proof it works and is not legal here!!!!! So frustrating. I still will pursue this because I have heard such overwhelming real life accounts of its benefit. I am not sure how to join the support groups. When I  click the links I get a page saying I do not have permission to enter the site. I am super excited to be able to hear xxx stories. Gives me great hope. How do I join those groups?Thank you.

I wrote her back with my support and encouragement.

A couple of weeks went by.

On Sunday Sally sent me an update:

Just wanted to give you an update! I took M to a Cannibus clinic against the neurologist and paediatrician!! They were not supportive - the opposite of that really. I begged my family doctor for the referral. She wanted to put M in the Hospice and pull all treatment. I begged for this saying then at least I know I have done everything. Well we started 17 days ago. We have not had one single seizure in 17 days!!!!!!!! So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your help has given us another chance at life with M!!! She has had some significant brain injury due to the severity and frequency of the seizures. The only way we can move forward and heal is to get a rest from the seizures. We have that now. Hope it is onward and upward from now on!!! Thank you again for your help and advise.

I'm not a believer in the there's a reason for everything or even in an ordered Universe. I don't think there's a god who has some sort of plan and that the obstacles in our paths are put there for a purpose. I don't think Sophie is an angel who picked me for her mother or that I was given this particular burden because god knew I could handle it and just it and no more. If that's heretical to you, I won't apologize, and I have no problem with you believing otherwise unless you thrust those beliefs upon me. I believe, rather, in randomness and chaos and absurdity and maybe, just a bit, in entropy. I believe also in connection and love and hope. My connection to Stephanie and Vicki, to Jeneva and Heather, to Sally and so many like them is awesome in the truest sense of the word. I am awed by these connections. The universe is abundant, and I'm a tiny speck, a part of it only as it connects to you and you and you.