When Sophie's teacher calls and tells me that the speech pathologist, Mr. Red Who is Purple, is not going to recommend that Sophie continue receiving AAC services, I say What? but I think I can't do this anymore. There's a tightrope, a line, a balancing act, a cliche, and then there's I can't do this anymore. I spent much of yesterday sunk deep in my articulate thoughts, I can't do this anymore a banner overarching bullets of clarity. Oliver slept with me last night, his heart sick over our friends' moving away. When I got out of bed this morning, he was lying asleep on his back, his head turned to the side, chin up, his arm thrust out straight like a fencer, prepared. And when I hugged Henry before he walked away to catch his ride to school, I closed the door, and the sun muscled through.
You end on a note of light but not lightness.
ReplyDeleteOh, Elizabeth. There is nothing I could say to make this any better.
I'm sorry.
You are asked to do more than most could ever imagine or attempt. I honor your pain and your amazing heart.
ReplyDeleteI guess it's funding? Sheesh...as long as she's in school she should be getting the services. But, I hear you...somedays it's just too much.
ReplyDeleteMy reaction is also What?!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry.
The sun muscled through. I can only bear witness, and maybe suggest that Henry and Oliver are your suns, muscling through.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, too.
Elizabeth, I know it's presumptuous for me to say, but you CAN keep doing this. You are a powerhouse. I'm only sorry that you HAVE to.
ReplyDeleteAnd poor Oliver. Change is never easy! (According to the cliche-generator.)
when lives hang in the balance of red and purple people and their recommendations - the sun has to muscle through and boys have to fence in their sleep
ReplyDeleteHave you read about the "least dangerous assumption" school of thought. http://www.includingsamuel.com/Libraries/Resources_for_Teachers_and_Paraeducators/The_Least_Dangerous_Assumption_A_Challenge_to_Create_a_New_Paradigm.sflb.ashx
ReplyDeleteIf this link is crap, a google search will get you something. I have a client any second or I would dig deeper.
On what basis? She hasn't been successful enough? Try harder, Mr RedPurple. Try better.
ReplyDeleteI wish I were able to fly to LA; I'd be more than happy to fight a round for you and Sophie.
Elizabeth, Don't give up! Listen to the light and tell this prick if he is not recommending AAC services for Sophie what is the point of his existence?
ReplyDeleteYou're right, you can't keep doing 'this.' But somehow, you manage to continue comforting Oliver when he needs it and hugging Henry before school. Somehow you continue to maintain that glorious rhythm and cadence of words and thoughts and associations that speak to so many others, even as you are suspended in the uncertainties of your own life. Thank you for the sunlight and the image of Oliver fencing in his sleep. I will hold space and light for you as long as you need it.
ReplyDeleteMay many more bright things muscle in.
ReplyDeleteI'm woefully behind in blog land.
Your b-day sounds like one for the record books. Many happy returns of the day.
I can't even imagine your exhaustion.
ReplyDeleteBut what other choice do you have?
Take a deep breath, square your shoulders, crank up Leonard Cohen (!), and tear the effing door down.
Dear, sweet Elisabeth. I remember those feelings with my daughter. You are so fucking empty and yet you are expected to act like you have a full tank. It messes with not only your physical body but you soul and spirit was well.
ReplyDeleteBut, you do keep doing it. What sucks the most is the reason you have to keep doing it is the lack of choice. People making decisions that affect your family and it drains you.
I have no answers. You will get back on track and be thrown down again. Live for the times you are back on track.
Sad face all around.
ReplyDeleteDitto Michelle, I honor your pain and your heart (and your kick-ass writing).
ReplyDeleteYou need to use my favorite movie line on Mr. Red Who is Purple. It's from As Good As It Gets and it is delivered by Jack Nicholson, making it even better than the already wonderful words.
ReplyDelete"Go sell crazy someplace else, we're all filled up here."
Love your way, Elizabeth. of course you can't do it anymore; of course you do. Must. It's all a clusterfuck. And sometimes we need to just tell the universe: it isn't fucking fair and I'm tired and I can't walk any further. And yet, what other choice is there? And all I can send is love and the assurance that you're doing a good job, even so.
ReplyDelete"and the sun muscled through."
ReplyDeleteyour words plus that photo. light in the dark places.
I'm so sorry, Elizabeth. I can offer no wisdom that you don't already have. I just send all my love.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry. does Mr Red Who is Purple propose something else? something BETTER?
ReplyDelete