Tuesday, January 13, 2015

22 Thoughts On Why Sophie Won't Bear Weight On Her Right Leg

photo by Jennifer Werndorf

  1. Maybe it's just asleep.
  2. Maybe her knee is dislocated.
  3. Maybe her hip is out of its socket.
  4. Maybe it's her foot.
  5. Maybe she threw out her back.
  6. Maybe it's random and will resolve like it did yesterday morning.
  7. Maybe it's neurological.
  8. Maybe she's having constant sub-clinical seizures and forgot how to bear weight.
  9. Maybe it's the Onfi wean.
  10. Maybe she's got a tumor.
  11. Maybe the orthopedist was wrong last time.
  12. Maybe the physical therapist was wrong last time.
  13. Maybe it's polio.
  14. Maybe it's a virus.
  15. Maybe she'll never walk again.
  16. Maybe they're wrong when they say Everyone has something hard in their life.
  17. Maybe I'm an asshole to tell myself that everyone has something hard in their life, not just us.
  18. Maybe all this meditation stuff is a load of crap.
  19. Maybe all the non-attachment stuff is mumbo-jumbo.
  20. Maybe she'll stop walking entirely.
  21. Maybe she isn't going to make it.
  22. Maybe there's more to endure.


  1. Yikes. Here's my most fervent wish that this gets figured out and it's one of the less serious options (like no. 1). Has it been going on long? Let's not jump to no. 20 right away!

  2. i hope it's #6, random, and will resolve.

  3. Looks like the kind of lists that go through my head as well, except death is usually one of the scenarios. Hope it gets sorted soon and that it's not serious.

  4. Oh dear! I hope that it is just one of those things and will resolve itself.


  5. How long has this been happening? Your list is pretty scary but less so now that's it's organized in an external list and no longer a tornado is your mind. Sadly, there is always more to endure. But not this I hope. I too pray for it to resolve.

  6. Witnessing. And praying for your sweet Sophie.

  7. This is the sort of thing I endlessly obsess over. I suppose the PT and the orthopedist could be wrong but they're probably not.
    It is probably random and will resolve itself.
    I'm pretty sure it's not polio.

  8. I don't have anyone in my life who has such a hard thing in their lives as you and your family. No one. Each statement on this list is a poem. I adore you.

  9. Oh the not knowing! Not knowing is always harder than knowing for me. Could be related to #7, that curled up position she likes could be causing some nerve problems in the leg too. I hope its something small and temporary, and I'm with Mary, not polio. :) Hugs to you all.

  10. The maybes are such a trap, aren't they? I start with them as a 'problem-solving' exercise, to give myself some illusion of control and a sense that I'm going to have some insight or idea that will lead to something. And then they begin to spiral out of control and my anxiety gets the best of me and I am paralyzed.

    Generally, in the end, I have to force myself to find the opposite side of that coin (her left leg seems to be working perfectly well, or Henry and Oliver are feeling healthy right now) and go pour myself a drink.

    Sending love and light your way.

  11. Everyone above has said all the things that I am thinking.

    I fear the worst, pray for the best and hope it will land somewhere near the prayer.

    You and your family are now (and have been for some time) a part of my daily thinking and feeling. Always in my head and heart - truly, and today even more so. I wish I could reach out and squeeze your hand as any friend would do when words fail.

  12. Oh, holy fucking shit, Elizabeth. Sending love and love and love.

  13. First, thanks so much for linking to "A Good Man is Hard to Find". What a story. Most bone-chilling for me was her seamless segue from the mundane and light-hearted to the viscerally evil and sadistic. I'd never read anything by Flannery O'Connor before.

    And I've been through the same panic as you're feeling now over Sophie's leg. No matter how bad it all seems, we're always afraid of worse. But usually these scares do eventually pass and our children go back to being "just" severely disabled. I'm sure Sophie will too and am eager to read from you that that is in fact the case.

  14. It's the 'not knowing' that makes us go slowly insane, no? It's the complete helplessness to know that creates this mental unraveling... but we always pick it back up, knit it together and move forward. Because we are that strong - YOU are that strong ... and I JUST LOVE YOU!!



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