Monday, April 7, 2014

Clusterf*$%kery, part 4,345,678

Despite all the recent excitement with the press beating on my door as I attempt to muddle through the clusterfuckery that is The Cannabis System, we need to get back to our regular programming. I just spent the last 15 minutes on hold with Medi-Cal and then 45 minutes in conversation with a very helpful, very clueless gentleman at Medi-Cal. You might wonder how someone can be both very helpful and very clueless? The ability to hold opposing thoughts and ideas in unison -- equanimity, if you will -- is a skill I've perfected over the last couple of decades (ok, to be honest, it's only happened in the last five years or so), as is the very careful walking of the tightrope, swinging from the trapeze and other grand carnival acts.

So, you can take my word that the gentleman I spoke with on the telephone was very helpful and very clueless.

I called because as of February 1st, Sophie was added to our health insurance policy (Healthnet), and we dropped her Anthem policy. Sophie also has Medi-Cal, which is secondary to her private insurance, but at present, Medi-Cal is LINKED TO ANTHEM. I called Medi-Cal (my fifteenth attempt, I should add) to ask them to:

  1. Drop Anthem Blue Cross 
  2. Add HealthNet
  3. Link Medi-Cal to HealthNet

My aim is to ensure that when medical claims are filed with HealthNet, Medi-Cal picks up the uncovered stuff, LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO.

Well, the helpful but clueless gentleman informed me that I needed to fill out form -- let's call it AGNES because I don't want to stress you out further with the amount of numbers I'd have to type out to indicate which form -- proving that I was indeed authorized to act as Sophie's conservator. In other words, since Sophie is over 18, her privacy is protected and Medi-Cal can't authorize the release of information. If you remember the other, now distant clusterfuckery that was gaining Conservatorship, I am officially Sophie's conservator (in addition to being her mother). God forbid this sort of snafu should have been taken care of back then with the Social Security office. He very helpfully directed me to Form AGNES but upon perusal of it, he decided that it was maybe Form GLADYS that I needed. He then directed me to Form GLADYS, and we both realized that Form GLADYS was actually the wrong form, so we moved on to FORM MILDRED after he checked with someone.  

Form MILDRED it is, and I was instructed to fill it out and send to the address at the bottom of the form. I said, There is no address at the bottom of MILDRED, and he said, Oh. Let me go and see where you send her. 

And I said OK and then I did a little pirouette on the high wire and smiled down at the admiring crowd. When the helpful but clueless man came back on, he gave me an address and thanked me for my patience. I now must fill out MILDRED, send her to Sacramento, hope that she is received and processed, upon which I will call back Medi-Cal to request that they do Numbers 1 and 2 above.

Did you get that?

I'd really, really appreciate if you, dear Reader, moved that net right under me as I do believe I might be plunging to my death at any moment.


  1. Here if you fall and also an hour's drive of Sacramento if Mildred needs a ride or anything :)

  2. I am standing here with a net AND a pillow.
    Oh my lord. The nightmare never does end, does it?

  3. Those bitches sound like nothing but trouble.

  4. This is our civilization at work. It is a godforsaken mess, it truly is, no matter what state or municipality or federal agency. It is Not. Easy. to do Anything. Anymore. Ever. You know that great facebook page you posted, fuck your decor? We could easily contribute to fuck your form.

    Hope something, anything gets accomplished in our inane systems.

    Mine is not medical, but bureaucratic, and I'm on my fourth or fifth phone call and third in writing to get my PO Box number corrected, so I can just get my mail. Please. I sometimes laugh, but only out of frustration.

    Try not to fall :)

  5. I am standing beneath you not with a net but with a giant pool of vodka. Many olives bobbing along. And mermen. Definitely mermen. With the hair and torsos of surfers.

  6. Oh good golly, my net is ever at your toes. So happy to drop by and get a dose of you tonight. xo S

  7. I like Vesuvius's idea of a soft landing. Good luck with Mildred!

  8. Net, check. Bottle of something delicious to help you relax, check. Hot, delicious pie to eat upon landing, check. No forms required.

    I often wonder whether these folks get to the end of their day and shake their heads at the absurdity of it all, too.

  9. I think it is hysterical that they are using the names of some pretty memorably nasty and costly (!) describe their required paperwork. Seems fitting. You may need some galoshes and a flashlight!



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