Thursday, December 19, 2013

Mermaids, Emily Bronte, Winter Solstice, and Cannabidiol

via Mermaid Musings

Yesterday, Sophie and I visited a new doctor who will be guiding us as we continue to give Sophie the CBD. I haven't mentioned it, but last Sunday at a Realm of Caring - California informational meeting, the powers-that-be announced that the first twenty people on the waiting list would finally get Charlotte's Web. Sophie was one of them. I should put an exclamation point on the end of that sentence. Sophie is one of them! Maybe two or three. Sophie is one of them!! Since I wasn't at the meeting, I don't yet have the product in hand, but we're ready to go for sure, now, and the doctor we visited was fantastic (no Charles Dickens character like the one described here). The Charlotte's Web from the recent California harvest is a 51:1 proportion of CBD/THC, and we will be getting it this weekend. The doctor patiently went through the science of cannabis and cannabidiols and cannabidiol receptors in the brain, and while flickers of anger flared up in my primitive brain (why the hell isn't this a treatment BEFORE anti-epileptic drugs), and flickers of despair in my evolved one (what would have been the outcome if Sophie were given this nineteen years ago?), I was grateful to be sitting in that seat in that office in that city at that specific time, Sophie next to me, humming and making good eye contact with the doctor, perhaps holding shells to her ear in her mind, the ocean's vast whoosh, her tail's swish.

We're nearing the winter solstice, and even Los Angeles' days are shorter and darker. My mood has been low of late, but I shake it off, whoosh, swish.  As the great Emily B. said,  I will not, cannot go.

The night is darkening round me

The night is darkening round me,
The wild winds coldly blow;
But a tyrant spell has bound me,
And I cannot, cannot go.

The giant trees are bending
Their bare boughs weighed with snow;
The storm is fast descending,
And yet I cannot go.

Clouds beyond clouds above me,
Wastes beyond wastes below;
But nothing drear can move me;
I will not, cannot go.

Emily Bronte


  1. Oh Elizabeth, how could you not think such thoughts? But I am so excited that Sophie will finally have Charlotte's Web and a good doctor to guide you both and I notice Sophie's good eye contact even as she dreams and the poem, it is perfect for me too, today. You inspire me. You both do.

  2. I always find myself holding my breath as I read these updates, so I can only imagine how you are feeling. But, wow. Just, wow.

  3. This made me gasp. With joy. CHRISTMESSY JOY. Sophie burns like a burn bow in my heart. And you.

  4. Wow and wow again. thinking of you and sophie and charlotte's web… good work on that waiting list placement, BTW.

  5. Sophie is one of them!!!! I am very happy to hear that news. As for the other thoughts and feelings. Yeah well, how not to have them? I dunno.
    There must be anger blowing in the wind here. It's swirling around me, for sure.
    BUT! Sophie is one of them!

  6. I think those thoughts with you. And I am so happy that Sophie will get the Charlotte's web. This brings to mind your tightrope post. The balancing act. Do you think Emily is saying she won't go to the dark place in her heart? Or is she already there, saying she won't move on. I'm never certain with Emily.

  7. i love everything about this post with the exception that your mood is low. but even laden limbs that bow spring up again. what a picture, what a poem, what prose. xoxo

  8. How wonderful that Sophie is going to receive it now, after all of the waiting! Yes, there will always be the "what ifs," but as one of the wise ones says, "This moment is as perfect as it can be" (insert sarcastic reply here). Please keep us posted as to how it all goes. Talk about a Christmas gift!

  9. That picture is insanely wonderful. The news about Sophie getting the CBD is even more so.
    Now your mood? Oh my dear. That I would not wish on you. May it rise. May it rise.

  10. doing the happy dance for you and Sophie. Yes, the darkness descends but then we begin a return to the light. It's a dark season, and though the holidays are meant to cheer us, sometimes add to the despair. Shaking it off is all we can do, and that is a lot.

    Love the poem.

  11. The poem is actually by Emily Bronte. I think the Dickinson was probably just a typo because the dates are Bronte's. The poem was in my 8th grade literature anthology, and I remember loving it (and writing numerous bad imitations of it). I've enjoyed reading your blog and am so happy that Sophie is getting access to medical marijuana and now better medical marijuana.

    1. Thank you, Sarah C.! I've corrected my Emilys.

  12. I am thrilled that Sophie is in the top 20! Whooo hooo!

  13. I'm so excited you're finally getting this in your hands!

  14. “The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
    Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
    Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
    Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”

    The what-might-have-been will strangle and then bury you if you let it, with not an iota of the present changed for it. She's in the top 20!! Such wonderful news and everything is crossed for her in hope.

  15. I am so happy for you. I am so sorry too. I am both, but right now, mostly happy, from afar.

  16. I am so happy for Sophie and your family and can't wait to hear as things unfold.

  17. Finally. Finally. Something hopeful, making the short list. I would be stuck in the what if's, because that is how my mind works, and I struggle to move forward without living in the land of what if and if only. I don't think the anger or despair are your primitive brain, but your evolved and intelligent brain.

    I'm going to be pissed forever that a stupid law prevented so many lives, especially children's lives from getting better. I'm going to remain forever hopeful that Sophie's life will improve with Charlotte's Web.

  18. In such a short space, here, you communicated so very much, and brought me with you. This is one of your gifts. The illustration, your own words, and then the poem. It speaks so much, and brings tears to my eyes. I was just thinking about you and your family yesterday, as I walked the dog around our neighborhood pond. About your fierce love for and dedication to your children. About how you and your husband nave given your Sophie a life surrounded by gentleness and love, and yet you also have fought for her, so fiercely, even when you didn't think you had the strength. I don't pretend to know what it all means, this life. But I know love like this is never wasted.

    And then there is Charlotte's Web, AND a good doctor! May both yield good things, the BEST things, for your beautiful mermaid girl.

  19. I will add a few more exclamation marks - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. The news re. Charlotte's Web is GREAT news for Sophie and for you, and I'm happy for both of you. I can also completely understand your feelings of being harnessed by this season of darkness. Several of my blog pals have written about similar feelings within the last few days, and I'm feeling them too.

  21. Yayyy! I am so excited to hear this news!

  22. Thank you for your courage to try the cannabis. I really want it to be the answer for you all. The more normal people (I know you are going to say that you aren't normal) that try it, the more it will be accepted into society. I would not have gotten through my cancer treatments as well as I did without it. The only bad part was that it is illegal where I live. It would have been much easier if it had been legal. People like you are going to help make that happen.



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