Friday, August 24, 2012

Crazy Old Lady in the Dylan's Candy Bar

Our local outdoor shopping mall just opened a Dylan's Candy Bar. I was suckered into going by my sons, the resident Candy Hounds.

It was a nightmare of epic proportions for a person like me.

Extremely loud show tunes were playing -- Julie Andrews singing Mary Poppins stuff; Shirley Temple singing On the Good Ship Lollipop. It was so outrageously loud and frenetic that I I froze in place, right by a giant display of Dots. I began to weep.

Just kidding. I felt like weeping, though, and instead morphed into a crazy old lady. I stood at the register with my sons, ringing up their bags of candy and could hardly hear the cashier over the cacophony. I told her, in a loud voice, that they should turn the music down!, that it was making me crazy! She looked at me and nodded. I might have said I can't imagine working in a place like this!

I've got to get out of here, I muttered and didn't notice how the boys were inching away from me.

When we walked outside into the blessed, relative silence, I felt such relief that I wept profusely again.

Just kidding.

Mom! You were so rude! Oliver said.

Yeah, you were just embarrassing, Henry added.

I acted surprised -- and not a little hurt -- and then I realized and acknowledged that I actually was -- rude and embarrassing. I realized, too, that I'm not too far away from being one of those old ladies at Fairway in New York City who tell people jesus christ! hurry up and then bash them with their shopping carts.


  1. Hoo boy. I totally get this. I can't go grocery shopping at the big grocery store anymore. Particularly not with jonah, who will tell me that I need to "settle down" and "not have a rage" and "not have an anxiety attack right here."

    I would have wept. And had a rage.

  2. Just looking at the photos is too much. The noise on top must have been hellish.

    I like rude old ladies. I want to be one when I grow up, like in the poem about wearing purple!

  3. Girl, I am like three steps ahead of you in embarrassing my kids and still buying stuff.
    Believe me- they survive. So do we.

  4. Oh lord I laughed! In recognition and empathy. Been there. Done exactly that. Got an identical response.

    And then you got to the old ladies in Fairway. Boy do you know new York! I love those ladies.

  5. This made me giggle...and crave candy...

  6. Is it not our job and duty to embarrass our children? I was under the impression it was, so I have had the pleasure of doing so for the last 25 years.

    Jake is dreading my accompanying him to Jr.High orientation. So I was thinking. Since I might embarrass him and it is the day of your birthday luncheon, I should skip the orientation and do lunch instead. Thoughts?

    And the candy store, well me the candy freak,chocolate more specifically, I would deal with the noise just to get to the goods. But that's me.

  7. THAT was a good laugh!

    You can not ever escape that place where you embarrass your kids. Liz still occasionally says "I can't believe you just said that!"... She doesn't know yet, it's only going to get worse :)

    I love crazy old ladies - lookin' forward to being one. Wait a second, I am one...

  8. Haaa! I love those old ladies. I used to see lots of them in Miami Beach -- they'd put out their arms to stop traffic and just march across the street in any old place, like they owned the world. Fabulous. And not a little dangerous.

    I've been to a lot of retail establishments where the music is just TOO FREAKING LOUD. I don't know what that's about. Surely it doesn't attract customers -- especially when the singer is Shirley Temple!

  9. Ah, this reminds me of the good old days, when my niece was young and impressionable and it was fun to embarrass her in public. Now she's an adult and thinks it's funny.

    Am I getting too old, or are these captcha things nearly impossible to read? Even worse is clicking the audio version, which is absolutely impossible to hear.

  10. why, oh why, is everything so LOUD these days? Restaurants are getting into the act: music so loud that you cannot possibly make conversation with your companion. I don't get it.

    Those first two candy photos are especially wonderful -- but this diabetic is not tempted in the least bit. Dying of a diabetic coma is not on my 'to do' list.

  11. I love this post! I have been feeling myself morph into a crazy old lady, too. Glad to know I'm not alone :)

  12. It looks as if you stepped into that board game "Candyland." I think it might bring on nightmares...and do you know who is behind it? Ralph Lauren's daughter! It's good that she was able to find a job to support herself & her candy habit. ;)

  13. I hate, hate, hate places like that. I had to take Eve school shopping last week and she was so thrilled that she can finally fit into the sizes they carry at Hollister and Abercrombie. I wanted to vomit. Both stores are very dark, the music blares so loud you have to shout to the salesteens, and the stench of Hollister perfume/cologne is so strong my eyes water and I can taste it in the back of my throat. I threatened to make her buy all of her clothes at Goodwill if she didn't get me out of there PRONTO!



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