Saturday, February 11, 2012

Extreme Parenting and Teeth Brushing

Migrant Mother (Florence Owens), California
photographed by Dorothea Lange

After my shower this morning, and while I brushed my teeth, I started thinking about parenting. My father sent me and my sisters the article about how French parents are better parents, and I read it with a sigh and then deleted it. I saw it pop up on Facebook and then on blogs and now it's a book or something and everyone is talking about it and it's making a million dollars while legions of American parents, mainly mothers, are debating again whether they're doing it right or doing it wrong. I'm going out on a limb this morning to say that these debates bore me to no end, in the same way that I'm bored by the agonizing over breast-feeding or Tiger mother parenting or working mothers versus non-working mothers and all the rest of it. I'll admit to possessing one of the ultimate trump cards (parenting a disabled child which makes nearly every other kind of parenting sort of a walk in the park, as they say), but I'll also admit that my parenting Sophie is a walk in the park compared to the parenting of the Sophies of Bangladesh, perhaps, or the myriad children all over this country and the world that are far sicker or more involved, and while I know it's all relevant, in some ways it's not. There's perspective for one, and my belief that it's my responsibility to have some. Do I begrudge the writing of another blockbuster book about the parenting tribulations of the upper classes? Am I jealous? These are the things I thought about as I paid special attention to my back molars, dreading the visit to the dentist on Monday and the tut-tutting of the hygienist when she asks whether I've flossed since my last visit. I started thinking about the self-esteem wars -- important for our children to have it or not important? -- and that led to the giving out of trophies for nearly everything and how that sends some parents into a parenting tizzy. What are the repercussions of a child receiving a trophy when he's an abysmal athlete?  That thought segued into my own son Oliver's collection of trophies, half of which are not his, but which he acquired at a yard sale down the street when an unfortunate married couple went through a terrible divorce and divested themselves of nearly everything they owned. You can read about that here. I have one of those electric toothbrushes that buzzes and changes subtly every thirty seconds and while I usually only brush for 23 or so seconds, today with all this heavy thought, I got to the two minute mark and was awarded with an extended vibration and a smiley face on the panel. I thought about that, too, and how here in America, the U, S of A, we're given pats on the back for brushing our teeth for two minutes.

19 comments:

  1. I love this. It needs to be widely read.

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  2. Love a long post from you. So much food for thought.

    I think the "Elizabeth Method" of mothering is perfectly fine. Love, and soulful thought seem to be just the right combination for raising 3 beautiful children. I'd buy that book :)

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  3. My electric tooth brush rewards two minutes of brushing with a quick shot of ground Oreos and a Starburst chaser. Interestingly, it was sold to me by a dental office... but hey, it's yummy, so who's to complain?

    I am not a fan of rewarding when baseline expectations are met, whatever type of parenting that defines me as.... Thanks for the morning thoughts. I'll mull as I clean my molars, too. And eat the Oreos!

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  4. If I had to do it over again I would have rewarded my children even more for the type of person they were being (hard-working, kind, honest, creative) versus what they were "achieving" (grades, trophies, first place riboons).

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  5. I was talking to K. about that book and what I said was, "Man, this just goes to show that we have WAY too much leisure time. If we were effin' worried about how we were going to put the next meal on the table, we would not be having these discussions."
    Let the upper-class give the book to their nannies. We'll shoulder on doing the very best we can.
    And hell, sometimes we NEED a reward for brushing our teeth for two minutes. Because as parents, that's very often the only one we'll get all day except for, oh, you know- the reward of knowing we're doing our best.

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  6. Well, all this talk about mothering...Makes me wonder if no one is interested in fathering...no tiger fathers in the world? This world of having disabled kids makes us all believers in unconditional, unrequited love by mom and dad. We need fewer parents who judge their quality of parenting by the accomplishments of the kids, and more who just love them without qualification. I almost threw up when I have recently read about "the eagle father" which I thought bordered on lunacy :
    http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/02/09/chinese-eagle-dad-forces-nearly-naked-son-4-to-run-around-in-new-york-snow/

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  7. What is there left to say, except...love what you wrote...thought provoking. Isn't it funny...2-3 weeks ago Design Mom wrote about how someone thought French parents were awful...than a week later they come out with a book about they're better! Who to believe?

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  8. I'm just sick of all the competition about everything and the one-size-fits-all solutions that pop up time and again. The Atkins Diet! Tiger Moms! Homeschooling! Not homeschooling!

    We are a planet of diverse humans. Once we realize that each of us has different needs, desires, talents, and reservoirs of strength and use those to help each other instead of handing out glib advice or judgements, we might begin to move forward.

    And, frankly, I'm terribly relieved to know that I'm not the only one who rarely gets to two minutes of brushing a day. I might flick that smiley-face if my toothbrush had one.

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  9. Being 1/2 French I'm still not interested in the book. The photo has always fascinated me and I think I saw a documentary or something on this woman who was humiliated by the picture that was plastered all over the newspapers in the 30's especially since the photographer promised her no one would ever see it. The original photo was found in a dumpster in the 60's in...i think...San Jose...

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  10. I agree that this should be widely read. I saw the woman who wrote that French parenting book on the Today Show the other day, and the whole thing just made me roll my eyes. Yet another thing for mothers to feel guilty about. I bet those French children don't get fat either. I guess we Americans aren't good for much except bailing France's ass out of wars (Maginot Line!). I'm sorry, I just sounded all right wing, didn't I, don't know how that happened. I must admit, however, that I'd love somebody to give me a pat on the pack for brushing my teeth for 2 minutes. I'll take it where I can get it.

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  11. Great post, Elizabeth. I'm with you here. All this emphasis on the perfect way. I too rarely, if ever, brush my teeth for the required length of time. And I too fear the reprimands from the dentist over my abysmal flossing.

    How infantilised we can become in the face of such authority figures as dentists and books that like to tell us how best to do it, from cleaning our houses, to raising our children.

    The thought police, I call them. How hard it becomes to silence them in our heads.

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  12. Never heard of the book. But I should write one about Italian parenting ;) We (culturally) don't reward at all, we go the opposite way, always pointing out how much better something could have been done. Perhaps the French got it, and master the balanced parenting?

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  13. It sounds like you have a healthy perspective, on parenting and much, much else. (As I began reading your post I thought of that crazy Tiger Mother book too, so I was glad to see you mentioned it.)

    I think I may be the only person on the planet who still uses a plain old Oral B toothbrush!

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  14. i too am bored by the same debates. and im just cracking up about oliver's yard sale trophies!!! LOL!

    Well said, as always.

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  15. It's true that it's silly for everyone to get a trophy. But it was equally silly to give trophies and ribbons to the kids who won the hundred yard dash or the long jump in those grade school field day competitions. Kids won those not in the way high school and older athletes do ....through combining talent with constant practice and conditioning...but rather by just having good genes. Giving an award to a 7 year old who runs the fastest at school one day is like giving an award to the kid with the highest i.q. You've done nothing o earn it other than being born lucky.

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  16. I have never read parenting books. Nobody knows my child like I do. So far, my kids are turning out well. And I am sure the French have an equal amount of delinquents as everyone else.
    Brush your teeth for 2 1/2 minutes and it winks at you.

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  17. I love the way you write. I also am bored to tears by the parenting debates. And I love that your son has trophies that aren't technically his. But they are now, aren't they?

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  18. Hi: excuse my poor english (I am native spanish). I don't believe that French parents are better parents. In the world are good parents and bad parents. In some countries to be a good parent is more hard than in others. And God bless you and your children and your husband too. Bye.

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