Saturday, October 25, 2014
How Not To Do It
Sophie won't stay still, and when it doesn't make me crazy, it makes me -- crazy. I don't know what to do about anything lately, and every admonition to just breathe, the majority of which come from within, I feel even crazier. Tonight, I fed her dinner in her stroller thinking I'd have more control, but rice and Korean beef went flying and juice dribbled out as she panted and flung her head back and forth and fidgeted and for a moment I wondered if she had Alzheimer's or some sort of brain tumor that was making her do what she's doing, behaving this way, and then I thought that if she had a brain tumor, she'd probably also be vomiting or at least have a headache and then I thought if she had a headache, she'd be in pain, but maybe not because the time her tibia snapped during a seizure, she didn't walk on it, but she didn't cry or feel any pain that we knew. It's all very complicated and it's all absurd and while you might wonder how we do it, I want to say that sometimes we don't do it, and tonight is one of those nights when I wonder who I'd be without this.