It's about day five, I think, since I started squirting a dropper full of yellow tincture sort of under Sophie's tongue. I haven't seen much effect, yet, and while I at first attributed that to it's too early to see, I'm wondering now whether I have the right stuff, the right dosage, the right proportion, the right everything.
That's the thing with trying new things when you've been trying new things to no avail for nearly two decades.
You read about children getting half their brains removed and they're back to normal! Have you ever considered surgery for Sophie? people ask, and while I know the intent is good (they saw the special! It was a miracle!), I have to bite my tongue, hard, to not scream, We're talking about cutting someone's brain open and taking out half of it, people! My daughter's brain! I say, Unfortunately -- or perhaps, fortunately, Sophie is not a candidate for brain surgery.
I saw a special on a high fat diet the other day, people will say, have you ever considered that for Sophie? (Yes, twice -- once during frontier times, 1995, when Sophie was not even six months old, and then again, when Sophie was about five years old and the experience was so traumatizing that I still sweat when I think about it. I have a chapter in my book titled Two Tigers in a Cage devoted to it, if you'd like more information).
So, back to the CBD/Medical Marijuana. I joined a Facebook group called Pediatric Cannabis Group, an incredibly motivated bunch of parents of children with horrific seizure disorders who converse for what seems like all day in earnest tones about CBD, THC, Charlotte's Web, Cannatonic, Colorado, California, lobbying in New Jersey. There are government conspiracy theorists and housewives and I'm trying to keep up with the threads, and I just can't. I hate threads. I hate conversing about this shit. I hate figuring it out.
Last night, I went to see the new documentary about Bruce Springsteen, and when I woke up this morning, the thread of Thunder Road was making its way to the surface and I want to just follow that thread, the one that Bruce is singing, you can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain, make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain, waste your summer praying in vain for a savior to rise from these streets --
Turn it up.
This would be by major concern with this...making sure what you have is really what you think you have. As you know so many variables with grades, dosages etc. Where is it made..how many cuts...just a lot to learn. I do know when my dad was on Hospice they talked about it....they said what they used was a pharmaceutical grade..completely different than street stuff etc. Maybe they could shed some light on the subject. We never got that far but I do believe what they used was in a pill.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words, aint for city gals. Actually, here in California it's all on the up and up -- I know that's not the case in most states, so I'm not too worried about the pharmaceutical grade stuff. Because CBD is the component of the marijuana that is a noted anti-epileptic and because it's difficult to grow and get the strain, that's the trouble I'm having. That being said, though, I'm in a good place to have it all figured out and will do so!
DeleteThere is something so agitating about trying something new and having to decide on your own whether or not it is effective. I hate the constant search for information from professionals and other consumers and the wondering which sources are credible and which are full of shit or confused or misleading you. I am exhausted just contemplating it and I hope that at some point you get some clarity, not through any enormous effort on your part, but out of the kindness and benevolence of the Universe recognizing that you are you and you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteLove.
Exactly, kario, exactly. Thank you for getting me and it so exactly. I send love right back to you.
DeleteWhat you describe is exhausting and just plain tough...I do hope you get some answers and results to guide your next steps. Hugs to you and Sophie.
ReplyDeleteWhich book?
ReplyDeleteThat Bruce is a poet. Praying that a savior will rise from these streets, and that the rain will water the roses you throw and the CBD will do it's work. I wish I knew what to say...
ReplyDeleteYou seem right on target re: this.... aware of the risks/benefits of what you are trying and knowledgeable of what you have attempted in the past and what sadly hasn't worked.
ReplyDeleteWhat I admire most about your ability to deal with Sophie's roller coaster ride is your ability to know when you need to self soothe, listen to Bruce, read and take care
of yourself so that you can meet Sophie and the boys needs...... AND when you need to risk
trying something credible that hasn't been tried yet, and hope for the best (like that were easy) Please know that I am hoping with you and admiring your courage on this journey.
I am all for the benevolent Universe throwing you a bone, too.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could contribute in some meaningful way to this discussion -- all I can say is I hope you find the optimum dose for Sophie and that it's effective.
ReplyDeleteI thank God that there are people moved to write poems and set them to music - sometimes, musice (especially rock & roll) is the best way to set our emotions free. The passion, sincerity, energy and raw power are able to connect and open blocked places in us, more than words alone, more than melody by itself. Thanks for sharing this song (if you hadn't written the words here, I would never have deciphered them)!
ReplyDeleteI pray that you will be blessed with a little bit of "Canada" in every single day.