Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Old Gray Mare

After weeks or maybe months (o.k., years), I'm feeling a teeny, tiny bit more calm these days. Mellow. I haven't cried after a bout of Sophie's morning seizures for a week or so and I'm able to almost detach from my usual feelings of desperation and lovingly tend to her during those seizures. Perhaps this is from the meditation work that I've been doing or the inclining my thoughts, my breath, my being toward meditation, to prayer. Perhaps it's the tiny little OM sound machine that I've started turning on as Sophie has her bouts -- I push the button OCEAN SURF and listen to it with Sophie, quietly whispering to her that I'm here, you're fine, it's all right, breathe. Perhaps there's been a type of surrender (and I'm cognizant of the fact that nothing stays the same and I might be a Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream lady, again, at any time).

I'm not really sure, though, because I made myself laugh yesterday on the phone with my friend S when I told her that I might also just be like a broken horse.

The old gray mare.

She ain't what she used to be. She ain't what she used to be Ain't what she used to be. The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be Many long years ago.


  1. I'm really glad to hear you're starting to feel more peace.

    On the other hand, you are starting to freak me out. Between the image of Ellen Burstyn and this particular day if we ever meet in person, remind me to tell you about a youthful adventure in Amsterdam that involved hallucinogens, a youth hostel, Superman and an Australian in a kangaroo sweater singing "The Old Grey Mare" at 3 a.m.

  2. Lol hon!! I feel old liket hat somedays too. So very glad you are finding some balance and peace. Hugs to you!!!
    Tell Lisa we all want to hear that story!!
    Blessings, Sarah

  3. Yah, me too. That's part of why I love to read your writing: you may be broken - you may not (I am, for sure), but in either case, you are able to contemplate the possibility, and laugh. I love that. God bless you.

  4. You're training your brain--moving your mental energy to the right frontal lobe, the peaceful side. It's a great strategy--for all of us.

  5. Here's to peace where you can find it. I hope it stays for a while.

  6. I'll second Lisa's comments. And hope to hear that story sometime. I don't know whether I misunderstood the lyrics, or was just being my smart-alecky self, but I would always sing, "The old grey mare, we ate what she used to be."

    So I don't see you as the old grey mare, as the one in my mind was, well, consumed.

  7. Oh Elizabeth you ....

    You are a wonderful mother and so very lucky to have your beautiful children and they lucky to have you.

    And the best thing of all is how you always know it and show it.

    God take the seizures away and give Sophie some peace.

    Love Renee xoxoxo

  8. wonderful post :)

    I'm glad to hear you're having some calm in the storms



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