Saturday, September 5, 2009

Because I'm Being Obtuse

of late, I think that I should perhaps come clean. The image, below, of the stones, a cairn I think it's called is something we came upon two weeks ago in Yosemite. Someone had built these beautiful symbols of tranquillity and balance in the creek. They are clean and pure.

These are the things I'm thinking about these days, hiding behind wit and irony and projecting onto the issues of the day:

1. Sophie is doing well but it's tiresome to care for her day in and day out, always feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough and knowing full well that it is enough to love.
2. Scared shitless that my respite care, already minimal, is going to be cut.
3. Ignoring a shrinking bank account, knowing that I can't really afford the help I have but not seeing a way out. I'll go insane.
4. Opening my eyes in the morning and running through my worries, literally, for the first time in my life. I used to be a morning person.
5. A flailing through the spiritual and waiting, perhaps impatiently, for grace.
6. Wondering what the long-term effects of this embattled life and feelings are doing to my boys.
7. Aware simultaneously that I need to meditate more often, pray, exercise and this is all illusion.

And that's all. The rest is obfuscation.


  1. I know. What can be done but hang in? as "platitudinous" as that might sound. It sounds as though you might need a little spiritual renewal. Focus on breathing alot, it is surprising how much it helps (and how very poorly we breathe in our circumstances). Wish I had some better answers.

  2. As someone who has rock piles all over her mantle, I appreciate the beauty and the simplicity and the idea of massive object somehow working in harmony and balance. It shouldn't work, but it does. Beauty and balance on the mantle vs the gnawing fear that buzzes around my head. And yours too, it seems.

    But there is one thing that I hope will offer you some relief.I have two younger boys, now older than yours. I worried about them the way you worry about yours. They are older teenagers now and no, our family's reality was not what I would have wanted to give them, and no, I won't tell you how it was a blessing in disguise but you know what- they are lovely. Off beat. Kind. Arty. Curious. Smart. Men I think are interesting and good. (And, please god, keep the evil eye at bay- I am not boasting.)

    Your boys look beautiful. I be they will grow to be men like those rocks- beautiful and balanced and pure. A good thing for the world.

  3. We all spend so much time worrying about that which we cannot change and things that we really don't need to worry about. I wish we didn't and I wish I could just tell you not to do it and have it work.
    I wish.
    I wish peace for you, sweet Elizabeth.

  4. thank you for being so real!! :) - all of these things are valid and important!!

  5. Oh Elizabeth you are doing it right and all your questions are good ones.

    But love rules the day and I believe that the boys will be okay and they will think of others and they will know that life isn't easy for everyone. But having a mother like you means they will know that life is pretty wonderful too.

    Love Renee xoxo

  6. i need the same, more time for prayer and meditation.

    i hate that there is even a whiff of your services being cut. i wish for you a fat bank account, the assurance of wonderful and supportive help, and lots and lots of grace.

  7. My very wise nana taught me early on that "To worry about something is like a prayer for something you don't want to happen".

    Give worries a couple of minutes if you must and then let the Universe unfold without our Interference. You are giving those two wonderful boys a world filled with love and truth. They are learning the most valuable lessons by living them. We are not all blue eyes and blonds, white and Protestant ( although I protest about so many things that in my case there ought to be an exemption) and our disabilities may not be at the skin surface. They have learned to love and to accept that.

    That my dear is a gift that will make them stronger and better human beings. I wish we were closer so I could shoo you off the house once in a while for you to enjoy some solitude without worries and for me to take care of Sophie and make myself useful that way.
    I hope you know I mean that.

  8. stone upon stone

    And once those stones were stacked - the person who stacked them had to walk away and trust they would stay balanced and standing - and they were there for you to see. It was only the stones that knew it though.



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